Friday 7th March 2003

My testimony – Finding God in the midst of a sexual addiction and in the ups and downs of business

Personal Background

I grew up in Southern Africa and trained as a psychologist. I practiced as a psychologist from 1980 to 1992 and then went into business until the present time. In June 1993 I brought my young family to Australia where we now live. I had committed my life to the Lord in my early teens, but drew apart from him in my late teens before making a sincere commitment to follow him in 1980 as a young adult.

A call on my life

The first knowledge of a dedicated call on my life occurred on my honeymoon in January 1981. I have since had a number of confirmations of that call between 1981 and 2003 but am yet to see the calling fulfilled. A number of clear confirmations of that call I recall as follows:

1.. My honeymoon – Jan 1981. Ezek 3 and 33 the call to be a watchman to the house of Israel – not to a people of a foreign tongue. To warn the people of the impending danger. If I did not warn them then God would require their life at my hand. 2.. Ten years later I received a call to minister to men – 1991. I heard God speak within my spirit as I lay in the bath. His voice intersected my thoughts and the sense of what he spoke to me remains a distinct memory within me to this day. 3.. The next year in 1992 someone gave me a prophecy in our local home cell meeting. The sense of that prophecy was that God was preparing me as an arrow to fire against the enemy. I have pondered that in my heart to this day. 4.. In June 1996 a well known visiting speaker with a prophetic ministry made me stand up in the congregation and delivered a message. In essence he said that: 1.. God was going to take me through a time of preparation for an immense task 2.. I would go through a great deal of hardship as part of that preparation 3.. He would create in me a core of steel which he would wrap in compassion 4.. I was not to be afraid of the hard times as he would prepare me to minister to many who were hurting and wounded 5.. But I would not fail in the hard times that were to come 5.. Two months later in 1996 the Principal of a local bible college visited our church. He also confirmed the calling I’d received two months earlier. These two prophecies made me very fearful. After all, who wants to go through all the hard times? It’s so much easier to select the good prophecies. But I took comfort from the fact that God would fulfill his purpose and his good pleasure in my life. 6.. Since 1996 I’ve had numerous confirmations of this calling on my life with the most recent being a prophecy in the last month from a member of my old home cell group. He confirmed that God plans to use me and my wife to minister to those who have been accused, crushed, rejected and cast aside. To bring them to his banqueting table. Besetting sins

Since my teens I have had an addiction to pornography – the legacy of learning about sex in a boy’s only boarding school. I really struggled with this as a young Christian. In the early 1980’s the Lord showed me that due to this problem he would not be able to use me in a pastoral ministry. I was devasted as at the time I wanted to leave the psychology profession and become a minister. It took me a very long time to hear and accept his “no”!

In the close on 20 years since 1981 I experienced many cycles of sporadic victories over this addiction coupled with myriad failures. I despaired of ever overcoming this addiction and it affected my capacity to exercise a useful Christian ministry despite a number of attempts in lay ministry leadership (home cell, counseling, young married leadership etc). My marriage suffered too as a consequence.

Sexual addiction isn’t often discussed in church circles and I felt very alone in my struggles. Often following a lapse I’d wonder if God could forgive me and still accept me. I felt that as a result of my besetting sin God would never be able to fulfill his calling in my life. In 1998 I became increasingly desperate. The Lord eventually brought me into contact with a pastor in Melbourne who preached a number of messages that caused hope to arise within me that I could be delivered from this affliction. I attended a “Men Only” course in early 1999 and throughout that year the Lord took me through a process of healing whereby he gave me the tools to live in victory (at least most of the time). Like most addicts I’ve had occasional relapses when I’ve let down my guard. After this I underwent a few more programs with the church’s Recovery Ministries and subsequently trained as a leader and since co-led a few recovery programs.

Simultaneously the Lord began to work in my marriage and has since brought about a quite remarkable healing of my marriage which is now more functional, productive and nurturing despite me being a man from Mars with a wife from Venus. Over the course of 1999 and early in 2000 the Lord showed me that the calling on my life was to use my knowledge and experience of him, together with my skills in psychological counseling and training to prepare for a ministry to men suffering from sexual and related addictions.

He impressed on me that my experience as an addict of sexual addiction was shared by a vast multitude of men in the church (as well as the unchurched)

and that this was a problem of endemic proportions. He showed me that the Internet would create a tidal wave and the impact on Christian men, their marriages/families and society structures would be cataclysmic.

He promised to use me to minister to men with this condition and to give them the same hope that I had received. The promise that he gave me as a cornerstone for this ministry is contained in IIPeter1:3-4

“His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness (not just some things, but everything – even the ability to overcome sexual addictions) through our knowledge of him who has called us by his own glory and goodness. Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may partake in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires”.

The Journey into Business

As I spent time with God he began to give me a vision of a how his calling on my life would combine both Christian ministry and the clinical practice through my past training. I saw a future where I would minister to men, including pedophiles and the many other outcasts whom society, and sadly often the church, has rejected.

At the same time the Lord impressed on me how that this ministry would be very difficult to conduct within the institutional church or even secular psychological practice. I came to appreciate that it could not be funded by a particular denomination or secular institution as financial control of the purse strings becomes the tie that binds. How many ministries have you known that have struggled to survive a conflict between the person with the calling and the funding organization?

I came to envision a ministry where I would not charge a fee to those who came for help. This meant I needed to find the resources that would enable me to support my family and conduct the ministry over an extended period of time. My vision extended to establishing a healing centre which offered group and individual programs; links to a number of Christian and secular programs and a multidisciplinary approach to healing sexual addictions. I realized this would require a great deal of money. But I did not have any money and at the time I was given the vision I was employed in a normal salaried position in the commercial field.

Then the Lord showed me that like Joseph he would soon enable me to lay up a harvest in the storehouse for 7 good years, so that when the 7 lean years came, I would have the ability to provide for those in need. I took this literally to mean that from the age of 43 to age 50 I would be engaged in business acquiring the funds to support my vision for a ministry to be conducted between the time I was 50 and 70 years of age (or otherwise as the Lord saw fit).

Then in early 2000 the Lord miraculously opened a new job opportunity for me to start a business in the medical knowledge/IT and Internet field. As the founder of the company and CEO I went from an ordinary salary to an income of close on $400,000 a year overnight. I was elated and couldn’t wait to gather in the harvest, cut short the time in business, and get on with the job I believed was my destiny. Little did I know!!!!

It’s been three years since that time. So, what has God done with me since then; where am I now and where am I going? And more importantly, where is He in the process now?

The discipline and hard times (the downs) in business

I had a honeymoon with my Asian investors that lasted about 5-6 months. After that the hard times set in and the Lord started to prepare me in through these hard times just as had been prophesied in 1996. He really began to working on my character through these tough times. So, what happened to me in the next few years?

1.. I did not get to enjoy too much of my wonderful new salary nor devote it to the Lord’s purpose. This very soon got absorbed in my having to buy shares in the Asian parent of the company I’d started. This has not fulfilled its promise and has since failed. My shares went from being worth millions to now being worth about $5,000. 2.. The relationship with the Asian based Chairman and his CEO became very difficult. I experienced a great deal of alienation, rejection and persecution due to my opposition to their questionable business practices. They worked around me, over me, any which way they could, and in February 2001 gave me 12 months notice that my employment would cease. 3.. Late in 2001 their own economic woes set in and they threatened to liquidate the Australian company I had started. Eventually after much negotiation they agreed to sell it to me and a few partners. 4.. In December 2001 we bought the business. Due to the nature of the directorships I remained the sole director and incurred a personal guarantee of $2.1 million to a local bank. I had to take on this liability in order to acquire the company. 5.. I expected that the Lord would turn things around for me and bless me with success and his substance. Again how wrong I was!!! 6.. By mid 2002 a contract I had won worth $1.2 million went sour and was reneged on. A second major contract did not eventuate and the company’s debts soon outstripped its revenues. By July I knew I was in trouble and approached the taxation department to negotiate a payment schedule to re-pay our tax debt. They declined to do this unless I agreed to guarantee all the tax repayments personally. This would have meant another debt of $1 million I did not have. 7.. In September 2002 I put the company into voluntary administration and faced bankruptcy squarely in the face. There appeared to be no way out. 8.. But God is faithful even if we are not. He rescued me quite miraculously. This is what he did: 1.. He enabled me to find an overseas buyer for the 2 businesses owned by the company going into administration 2.. He enabled me to avoid putting the company into liquidation 3.. He enabled me to avoid a charge of insolvent trading 4.. He enabled me to propose a Deed of Company Arrangement which was accepted by the Administrator; the bank to whom I owed a personal guarantee; the tax office which had earlier rejected my offer to repay them 100 cents in the dollar over time; and the creditors of the company. The natural miracle here was that banks never vote on matters like this. In my case they did! The tax office voted (indeed they seconded the motion – would you believe) to receive less than 10 cents in the dollar. Another natural miracle! 5.. I had to commit to pay $100,000 I did not have in order to avoid bankruptcy. So far I’ve paid $50,000 and have a second payment due in Mid May 2003. 6.. The Lord was merciful and I was offered a job with the new owners of the 2 businesses. Once the administration issues were negotiated they agreed to appoint me as CEO of the 2 businesses; and I took on the task knowing that they would not have any money to pay me a salary for many months. 7.. I’ve managed to get through the past 6 months on my savings and an extension to my home mortgage. Last week I managed to take a few thousand dollars out of the business but I don’t know when I’ll be able to do this again. While the company has good long term prospects, in the short and medium term things are still very difficult. I’m just taking every day one at a time. Twice a month I have to make the wages bill and total company expenses are close on $200,000 a month with income not much over $100,000.

The company still has significant debts including a loan to the bank of $1 million and other liabilities. Yet somehow we seem to just get through every month and every new week.. That’s where I find myself today.

Am I still hopeful that God will enable me to obtain the resources I need to fund my vision and calling. Absolutely!!. Do I know exactly how it will happen? No, absolutely not!!! Does it appear likely to me that he will fund this from my share of the current business? I’d have to say it appears extremely unlikely on the face of it. But, will he come through? I believe wholeheartedly that he will. And I believe he will do this not for my sake, but for the sake of those whom he will still heal and lead to himself.

What have I learned about God through the experience?

I’ve learned so many things. I’ve learned the comfort of his Holy Spirit when I have felt rejected, hurt, cast aside, humiliated and broken.

I’ve learned that there is a desert between Egypt and the Promised Land. I’ ve learned that often when I think I’ve reached the Jordan or done the laps around Jericho, it’s just another day in the desert. But my shoes have not worn out; he has provided “manna” every day and also the occasional “quail”.

I’ve learned that the enemy will not spare me and that our Lord does not always protect his loved one from trials, tribulations and sufferings. He had to face this himself so how can I demand to be exempt. Over the past three years not only have I suffered the trials of the business, come face to face with bankruptcy, experienced the crisis of faith and plumbed the depths of desperation but my wife has had cancer on two occasions and recently lost a breast to a mastectomy. In addition there have been the usual crises a family goes through with three late adolescent children. But how I praise God for them!!

I’ve learned that faith is not faith until it’s tried and tested. What better way than to be utterly and totally dependent on God for deliverance, food on the table and the wisdom to guide the business in the right direction one day at a time.

I’ve learned that character and integrity is not true until it’s refined in the fire. It’s not what I say that counts but what I am. There’s nothing like the desert to prove to a man what’s really in his heart. Do I follow him for his benefits or because like Paul I am constrained by the gospel of Christ? I now know what has been in my heart much of the time and as you can guess it’s often not been a pretty picture!

I’ve learned that most Christians don’t validate a man who is not involved in the mainstream of Christian ministry within an acknowledged area of service. I notice how they look down on people like me who seldom go to church or worship as they do. They seem unmindful of how I could survive the 15 hour work days with all the stress, the worry and the strain without having Him constantly at my side.

I’ve learned that you have to experience the same pain and be exposed to many of the same sorrows and despair of those whom you hope to minister to with Christ’s healing touch. How can I minister in power to someone in whose moccasins I’ve not walked? To minister to the hopeless, the broken, the cast out, the humiliated, you need to know their condition. I now know a little something of that experience.

I’ve learned that God is not in a hurry and won’t bend his will to my desires, my program or my schedule. He’s on his own time and nothing I can do (including hours of prayer or fasting) will change that. I can’t plead him into submission. I can’t blackmail him into submission and he does not respond to a cold shoulder either. Only I get hurt from these self indulgent approaches. But I’ve learned too that he loves it when I accept my utter dependence upon him; when I look to him for each answer; when I share with him each fear, doubt, worry; when I express the faith that no matter how bleak things appear I know he is faithful and will eventually fulfill his promise and make me useful for his purpose. After all, what ultimate value is my life if it does not fulfill this purpose?

But mostly I’ve learned that anyone who will follow Christ will have to bear a fair measure of what he experienced. I’ve been encouraged with the fellowship of Jesus who can comfort me knowing that he is the author and finisher of my faith. Knowing further that he, despite the agony of Gethsemane, could face the cross – even his own death, knowing Father would give him no way out – because of the joy that was set before him, even his bride, you and me. I have learned to know him better in the fellowship of his sufferings before I come to know the power of his resurrection and the joy that is still set ahead of me.

I have experienced a small measure of his alienation, rejection, pain, despair, humiliation and death to self. But I have not yet suffered unto the shedding of blood. I have not been crucified and suffered his physical agonies. I am alive. I have breath. My physical needs are still provided for. I have a loving family. People still talk to me on the street.

I have learned that suffering is redemptive. Like Job, before he touched me I knew of him and had heard about him but I had not really known him face to face. But now through my suffering I have a hope for the future. Not because of who I am, since knowing myself better I realize the depths of my own depravity, but because I know much better who he is; and what he is; and how he is!

In summary

I’ve not yet emerged from the pain and suffering. It surrounds me still. So close that exhortations from other Christians to “rise and shine with the glory of the Lord” don’t reach me. But I still hope and believe that what he has promised, he will fulfill.

I’ve tried to be a good parent and husband and in many ways God has allowed me a measure of success in these dimensions of my life. But ultimately the vision he has given me is the “pearl of great price”. I have sacrificed everything for it. I have turned my back on my comfort zone and have used every dollar of my savings, my superannuation (pension plan), and the assets he has given me to invest in the business that will fund his plan for my life. All my emotional strength, all my passion and all my focus is invested in it.

Even though I’m still far off having the wherewithal to purchase this “pearl of great price”, I will expend all my effort on it. I must possess it. If I fail because I do not know how to take possession of the inheritance he has won for me, then I can still count the effort as worthwhile.

My God is still the God who sees the end as the beginning. He lives outside of time. Our futures are just the same to him as our yesterdays. What is hope and faith to us, he sees as complete. I know that God will not fail me. He is able. He is Jehovah Jireh, my provider. His grace is sufficient for me.

Though at present the “fig tree does not blossom and there are no grapes on the vines, the olive crop has failed and the fields yield no food ….. Yet I will rejoice in the Lord of my salvation; God the Lord is my strength (Habbakuk 3:17-19).