‘My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made
perfect in weakness.’ So, I will boast all the more gladly of
my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore
I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions,
and calamities for the sake of Christ; for whenever I am weak,
then I am strong. (2 Corinthians 12:9-10)

Some Pharisees came, and to test him they asked,
‘Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?’ He answered them,
‘What did Moses command you?’ They said, ‘Moses allowed a man
to write a certificate of dismissal and to divorce her.’ But Jesus
said to them, ‘Because of your hardness of heart he wrote this
commandment for you. But from the beginning of creation, ‘God
made them male and female.’ ‘For this reason a man shall leave
his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall
become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore
what God has joined together, let no one separate.’ Then in the
house the disciples asked him again about this matter. He said
to them, ‘Whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits
adultery against her; and if she divorces her husband and marries
another, she commits adultery.’ (Mark 10:2-12)

Put away from you all bitterness and wrath and anger
and wrangling and slander, together with all malice, and be kind
to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in
Christ has forgiven you. (Ephesians 4:31-32) Do not judge, and
you will not be judged; do not condemn, and you will not be condemned.
Forgive, and you will be forgiven. (Luke 6:37)

Father of orphans and protector of widows is God
in his holy habitation. (Psalm 68:5) Thus says the Lord of hosts,
the God of Israel: Amend your ways and your doings, and let me
dwell with you in this place… For if you truly amend your ways
and your doings, if you truly act justly one with another, if
you do not oppress the alien, the orphan, and the widow, or shed
innocent blood in this place, and if you do not go after other
gods to your own hurt, then I will dwell with you in this place,
in the land that I gave of old to your ancestors forever and ever.
(Jeremiah 7:3-7)

We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed,
but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck
down, but not destroyed. (2 Corinthians 4:8-9) The Lord is near
to the brokenhearted, and saves the crushed in spirit. (Psalm
34:18)

Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life,
what you will eat or what you will drink, or about your body,
what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more
than clothing? Look at the birds of the air; they neither sow
nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds
them. Are you not of more value than they? And can any of you
by worrying add a single hour to your span of life? And why do
you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how
they grow; they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon
in all his glory was not clothed like one of these. But if God
so clothes the grass of the field, which is alive today and tomorrow
is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you – you
of little faith? (Matthew 6:25-30)

He will feed his flock like a shepherd; he will gather
the lambs in his arms, and carry them in his bosom, and gently
lead the mother sheep. (Isaiah 40:11)

…..

Marriage breakdown, separation and divorce are some
of the most painful of human experiences. All the symptoms of
grief and bereavement are felt but without the finality of death
(where the spouse is gone forever, and won’t be around to be vindictive).
Some get over it and start afresh in a matter of months. For others,
the pain lingers for years. Probably two years is about the average
for a person to ‘recover’ from a divorce. Some never do.

In my counseling practice I find that people experience
difficulties in their marriage, and later divorce, for lots of
reasons. One mate falls in love with someone else (which is hardly
ever the real problem – the issues are deeper). Or the accumulated
tensions associated with drug or alcohol dependency, sexual problems,
gambling or other addictive behaviours are all too much (again,
there are deeper issues in these cases). Sometimes in mid-life
he begins to look for security rather than significance; but for
her at mid-life the kids are grown up, she’s back in the work-force,
and is looking for significance (her security as homemaker is
being replaced by something else). So he and she have apparently
incompatible life-agendas.

Sometimes there’s the legacy of what used to be called
the ‘shotgun wedding’: they were too young, and were pitchforked
into a marriage for which they were inadequately prepared. Perhaps
destructive baggage is brought into the marriage from his background
or hers – or both – and they covered it up in the frenetic activity
of raising children, but those old ghosts in the cupboard won’t
stop rattling. (Divorce is hereditary: the divorce rate is much
higher for those who have divorced parents. And if you are divorced,
your children have about a 60% of divorcing, in spite of their
vow, ‘It will never happen to me’.)

Sometimes he feels emotionally deprived and married
her to find a mother; she was a victim of abuse and married him
to find a sensitive, nurturing father: and it didn’t work out.
So most divorce is the culmination of a drawn-out process of growing
disillusionment. They felt ‘conned’. They didn’t get what they
expected (or Hollywood taught them to expect!).

The baby boomer ‘trade-it-in consumer mentality’
plus easier no-fault divorce legislation has enabled – some would
say encouraged – many more people to divorce than would have happened
a generation ago. Our parents would have ‘toughed it out’ in a
sick marriage. Divorce was shameful, or they would stay together
‘for the sake of the kids’.

When is marriage is rocky, begin by admitting there
are problems. Hiding them won’t help: relationship conflicts won’t
be swept under the carpet. Do both want the marriage? Are one
or both prepared to work on their personal growth and the possibility
of change? Is each partner willing to take some responsibility
for their input into the marriage breakdown? Are both willing
to get professional help? For many, if not most Christians (and
others), there is the question of promise: were my vows said back
then with real intentionality? If the answer is ‘yes’ to all or
most of these, there is a better chance to work on the relationship.
Is there a third party? (If so, there is a higher – but not an
inevitable – chance of the marriage coming to an end.)

If you decide to separate (and always make decisions
like this with the help of a caring friend or counselor), work
it through one day at a time. My strong suggestion is to regard
separation/divorce as a last resort. Ask yourself: will I be satisfied
that I made every endeavour to get our relationship fixed as I
look back on this time?

There will almost certainly be an experience of shock:
is this really happening to me? The pain is dealt with by denial,
perhaps retreating from friends, not getting help. Anger is the
outcome of hopes built up then shattered. One’s self-esteem takes
a battering. Grief and bereavement are positive responses to any
loss, by the way. Work it through, externalize your feelings.
If you don’t, the negative process of self-pity will take over
and begin, like a cancer, to rob you of emotional health.

Make the break as clean as possible (yes, you can
both stay friendly, if not ‘good friends’). Don’t feel you still
have to solve the problems of your separated partner: some people
learn faster when they are left alone, and take responsibility
for themselves. Forget about ‘getting even’: just take it on the
chin and get on with life.

There are three tested ways to recover from a difficult
marriage: [1] Join a divorce support group of some sort where
there is mutual support and accountability; [2] Get your spiritual
and emotional life right; [3] Commit yourself to a 12-step recovery
program, like that for Alcoholics Anonymous. Create a new identity.
Join one or two new groups. Learn new skills. Enjoy new experiences
with new friends.

And now a word about parenting after divorce. It
has been said, ‘Divorce is the process that turns whole parents
into half parents’. One-parent families comprise 13% of all Australian
families: in 84% of these families a mother is the lone parent.
A study of 153 sole and 1226 couple parent families in Melbourne
found that ‘sole mothers with dependent children were less satisfied
with their personal and family lives than couple parents. They
were less satisfied with their housing, transport, income, living
standards, their children’s well-being, their own relationship
with the children, their children’s relationship with their father
and how well the children get along with their brothers and sisters’
(Sally Heath, ‘Single mothers not so happy’, The Age, Melbourne,
6.1.1994, p.5).[56]

Someone has said, ‘If divorce is like war, children
are its orphans’. Remember your children are suffering their own
grieving. Sometimes they wonder, ‘Is it my fault?’ ‘Where will
I live?’ The little boy in the movie Kramer vs Kramer asks ‘Where
will I put my toys?’ These may intimidate you: you are torn between
your own surviving and the children’s well-being. You must allow
your children to grive. And they have to learn to relate to both
of you in this new, painful situation. By the way, don’t ever,
ever, speak a negative word about their other parent – even if
they put ‘garbage’ into the kids’ heads about you!

In his excellent book, Growing Through Divorce, Jim
Smoke lists these issues for single parents: (1) ‘My circuits
are on overload’: the custodial parent has to make too many decisions
without the help of a partner; the non-custodial parent suffers
loneliness. (2) ‘Where are you when I need you?’: in times of
crisis in the lives of the children, the visiting parent is often
accused (rightly or wrongly) of not taking their fair share of
responsibility. (3) ‘I don’t get any respect’: children sometimes
lose respect for their parents after the bitterness of divorce.
(4) ‘Help, I’m a prisoner’: single parents may overcompensate
by allowing their parenting role to restrict their mobility. He
then offers these guidelines for single parents: (1) Don’t try
to be both parents to your children: be what you are – a mother
or father. (2) Don’t force your children into playing the role
of the departed parent: the nine-year old can’t be ‘daddy in the
house now’. (3) Be the parent you are: ‘Don’t abdicate your parent
position for that of a big brother, big sister, friend, buddy
or pal’. (4) Be honest with your children: tell them the truth
about what is going on, but ‘speak the truth in love’. (5) Don’t
put your ex-spouse down in front of your children: trying to convince
your children the other parent is mostly to blame is a game nobody
wins and everybody loses. (6) Don’t make your children undercover
agents who report on the other parent’s current activities. (7)
The children of divorce need both a mother and a father: don’t
deny them this right because of your anger, hostility, guilt or
vengeance. (8) Don’t become a ‘Disneyland Daddy’ or ‘Magic Mountain
Mommy’: tragically the single parent outside the home becomes
the entertainer, because they can’t think what else to do. (9)
Share your dating life and social interests with your children.
(10) Help your children keep the good memories of your past marriage
alive. (11) Work out a management and existence structure for
your children with your ex-spouse. (12) If possible, try not to
disrupt the many areas in your children’s lives that offer them
safety and security. (13) If your child does not resume normal
development and growth in their life within a year of the divorce,
they may need the special help of a counselor.

Smoke’s summary: ‘Divorce – you can go through it
or you can grow through it!’ [Jim Smoke, Growing Through Divorce,
Eugene, Oregon: Harvest House Publishers, 1986, p. 165].

You can begin again! We all fail, but never ever
call yourself a failure. As one divorce workshop leader counsels:
Say to yourself: ‘I am divorced. I am single. I am OK.’ A sign
on a merchant’s wall read ‘In God We Trust – all others pay cash!’
Yes, you can trust God to help you and heal you and form a new
person through the pain of divorce and recovery. You can ask him
for a new attitude to life. Remember the wise saying in almost
every culture: It’s not what life does to you that counts; but
what you do to life! Or, your satisfaction as a single parent
or ex-married is not based as much on your circumstances as on
your attitude toward your circumstances.

…..

Baby boomers think marriage is great, according to
one observer. It is their partners they do not always like.

Hans Finzel, Help! I’m a Baby Boomer, Wheaton, Ill:
Victor Books, 1989, p.115. [19]

Every single parent, or separated/divorced person
has had, in reality, experiences in two families and ought to
find two others. They were born into a family without being consulted,
and experienced the pains and pleasures of growing up with others.
Then they married and/or had children, and made a new family of
their own. If their experiences with their first family were mainly
positive or negative, these will generally (though not invariably)
be reflected in similar fashion in their second family.

The third family? Your children need other, perhaps
surrogate parents for modeling and security. My suggestion: find
the best put-together families and invite yourself to do a few
things with them (parties, outings, sleepovers, whatever). Many
single parents are too timid to make an initiative here. Perhaps
your pastors/elders could help.

And your fourth family? The family of God, the church.
Find a strong, committed church with plenty of families who have
kids your kids age, and get right into it! Somewhere I came across
this testimony:

I CAME SEARCHING

Out of my lonely place, I came searching. Out of
my hidden fears, I came searching. Out of my need for friends,
I came searching. Out of my quest for God, I came searching. And
I found a people who care, And a new love to share.

Rowland Croucher, from an unpublished sermon.

‘From the wild Irish slums of the 19th century eastern
seaboard to the riot-torn suburbs of Los Angeles, there is one
unmistakable lesson in American history: a community that allows
a large number of young men to grow up in broken families, dominated
by women, never acquiring a stable relationship to male authority,
never acquiring any rational expectations about the future – that
community asks for, and gets, chaos.’ (Pat Moynihan). ‘The inequalities
that stem from the workplace are now trivial in comparison to
those stemming from family structure. What matters for success
is not whether your father was rich or poor but whether you had
a father at all.’ (Lawrence Mead). A century ago, only 20% of
American households were without children under 18. Today 65%
are.

George F. Will, ‘If You Have Children, Care For Them’,
International Herald Tribune, 26/9/1991, p.5. [125]

Children go through the same basic stages of grieving
as adults. Anytime there is a loss of a significant relationship,
either through death or divorce, we go through a process of grieving.
This process usually lasts for at least two years and is distinguished
by specific emotional stages.

In the first six months to a year children typically
experience denial and anger… Preschool children are usually
too young to understand fully what’s going on. They come by denial
naturally… School-age children [6-12] will often express denial
by pretending nothing has happened… Teenagers often deny by
escaping. They will spend more time away from home… Home reminds
them of what they’ve lost, and they don’t want to deal with that…

Anger is the natural response when denial wears out…
Be cautious about anger that your children direct toward themselves.
Watch for a preoccupation with guilt or self-destructive behaviour…

Eventually, children realize that anger doesn’t work.
They try… bargaining… Bargainers attempt simple solutions
to complex problems and usually fail.

In the movie Paradise, the divorcing parents, played
by Don Johnson and Melanie Griffith, are brought back together
by their enterprising child. This is a classic bargaining fantasy.
It is fun to watch because we want this to happen. But the truth
is that children’s attempts to manipulate their parents’ decisions
usually hurt more than help.

When a child realizes that there’s little he or she
can do to fix things, depression sets in… Depression is basically
a shutdown of emotions. Painful reality has finally penetrated
to the core of one’s being, and it hurts like crazy…

Depression goes away, if you give it time. The wounds
heal. Children regain self-confidence. They learn to forgive.
They build new relationships and patch up old ones. They take
risks again and accept responsibility… When we reach the point
of acceptance, we are able to deal with the world around us in
healthy ways.

Thomas Whiteman, The Fresh Start Single Parenting
Workbook, Nashville, Tennessee: Thomas Nelson Publishers, 1993,
pp.37-42. [320]

I don’t know of any other experience in life outside
of divorce that can stretch a person’s emotions and feelings from
love to hate. Divorce can cause you to build walls in your life
in place of bridges. You can start out by hating an ex-spouse,
and end up by hating yourself and everyone around you. You can
literally drown yourself in a sea of negative feelings towards
others and yourself. This kind of emotional bath can keep you
from growing and becoming a new person.

Time diminishes hate, but it does not heal it. Experiencing
forgiveness gets the hate out of your life permanently… When
a person is caught in the heat of argument and emotional combat,
forgiveness is usually the very last thing to come to mind. Be
aware that forgiveness is not an instant thing, but a process
you grow into… Forgiveness from God comes easiest and is the
first step. Self-forgiveness is second, and is a little harder.
Forgiveness in the ex-spouse realm is usually a long way down
the recovery road and can only happen when the fires of divorce
cool long enough to let sound thinking take over. A person asked
me recently what to say to an ex-spouse in this area. You might
start by saying, ‘I’m sorry. I ask your forgiveness for all my
mistakes and whatever part I might have played in contributing
to our divorce.’ Sounds hard, doesn’t it? It is. But the personal
sense of growth and well being that comes from doing it makes
it worthwhile.

Jim Smoke, Growing Through Divorce, Eugene, Oregon:
Harvest House Publishers, 1986, pp.96,100-101. [262]

HOW TO WIN WITH STEPCHILDREN

No one can become an instant father or mother overnight.
It is going to take time and adjustment on everyone’s part. Many
new parents simply expect stepchildren to welcome them with open
arms and keep living as though nothing had happened. Few children
make an easy adjustment, especially if their real parent is close
by and in contact with them. The first rule of success as a stepparent
is to give the new relationship time to grow and develop.

The second step would be to really work at building
the relationship. Your new position in the home may grant you
authority, but respect is something you earn. I feel that the
responsibility is on the shoulders of the new parent to work at
winning the respect and love of the stepchildren. A child may
resent a new parent for showing love and affection for his mother
or father when little of that love is shown to him. I have known
stepparents who have literally ignored their stepchildren and
left them entirely up to the natural parent. Few homes will survive
this kind of cold treatment.

A third step in winning with stepchildren is to make
them feel as important as your own natural children. A love that
is shared equally will bring great returns. There are a million
ways a stepparent can share and show love. Love always wins.

A fourth step is to realize that you are not a replacement
for the other parent. Don’t try to be. You are who you are and
not a replica of the departed parent. Don’t get trapped into playing
the role and letting yourself be compared with the absent father
or mother. Affirm your own individuality from the beginning and
you will gain respect.

Jim Smoke, Growing Through Divorce, Eugene, Oregon:
Harvest House Publishers, 1986, pp.118-119. [297]

[In the U.S.in 1985] one-third of families run by
persons under twenty-five years of age are single-parent households,
and 75 percent of families maintained by a woman under twenty-five
are living in poverty. Fifty percent of all Aid to Dependent Children
expenditures went to families in which mothers were adolescents
when their first child was born.

Presbyterians and Human Sexuality 1991, Published
by the Office of the General Assembly Presbyterian Church (U.S.A.),
Lousiville, KY, p.45. [55]

TEN COMMANDMENTS FOR FORMERLY MARRIEDS

1. Thou shalt not live in thy past. 2. Thou shalt
be responsible for thy present, and shall not blame thy past for
it. 3. Thou shalt not feel sorry for thyself indefinitely. 4.
Thou shalt assume thy end of the blame for thy marriage dissolvement.
5. Thou shalt not try to reconcile thy past and reconstruct thy
future by a quick, new marriage. 6. Thou shalt not make thy children
the victims of thy past marriage. 7. Thou shalt not spend all
thy time trying to convince thy children how terrible their departed
parent is. 8. Thou shalt learn all thou can about being a one-parent
family and get on with it. 9. Thou shalt ask others for help when
thou shalt need it. 10. Thou shalt ask God for the wisdom to bury
yesterday, create today, and plan for tomorrow.

Jim Smoke, Growing Through Divorce, Eugene, Oregon:
Harvest House Publishers, 1986, p.168. [138]

[Successful single parents need]:

1. Time for rest and relaxation, including some exercise.
2. Time away from your children (this way you won’t resent them
when you are with them). 3. Time for friendship. You were not
made to be without human contact – adult human contact. 4. Time
for growth; reading, studying and special classes fall into this
category. 5. Time for spiritual sustenance. You need the strength
that prayer can give, and you must insist on making time for continuous
nourishment from God’s Word.

Gary Richmond, Successful Single Living, Eugene OR:
Harvest House, 1990, pp.94-95.

First… no young couple should approach marriage
as though it were a ‘trial’ and divorce is easy if it does not
work out. This is a perilous attitude as it psychologically gears
them to prepare for a fragile and short-term relationship.

Second, many marriages go straight into the divorce
court without any real attempt at settling differences. While
it is good that… the costs of divorce [are gradually being reduced],
it may increase this rush to court without reference to the many
marriage guidance and welfare clinics. Every marriage is worth
saving, and the people involved will need humility and honesty
to rescue it.

Third, the Christian Church may have given the impression
that divorce is the unforgiveable sin, but in fact the Bible recognises
the human weaknessess that led to divorce, and provision was made
for it. It is not God’s ideal …[and] divorcees should never
be regarded in any way as second-class members of the church.

Alan Nichols, The Family, a booklet published by
the Anglican Information and Public Relations Office, Sydney,
1973. [160]

FACTORS THAT CONTRIBUTE TO DYSFUNCTION

1. Years of fighting in front of the children before
an eventual divorce. 2. A particularly messy divorce, including
court battles and ongoing custody fights. 3. One or both parents
being particularly manipulative or controlling. 4. Any type of
physical, sexual, or emotional abuse of you or your children.
5. Any type of substance abuse (alcohol, drugs, etc.) by one or
both parents. 6. Prolonged family disruptions when the children
are in their formative years (ages 1-10). 7. One parent who is
in and out of the children’s lives with no regularity or consistent
love. 8. Vastly different parenting styles and conflicting values
being taught to the children.

Thomas Whiteman, Ph.D, with Randy Petersen, The Fresh
Start Single Parenting Workbook, Nashville: Thomas Nelson Publishers,
1993, p.58. [104]

Some of the more important reasons why divorce is
damaging to children are: * It signals the collapse of the family
structure – the child feels alone and very frightened. The loneliness
can be acute and long remembered. *Parents have a diminished capacity
to parent. They are preoccupied with their own emotions and survival
during the critical months (or years) of the divorce. * The divorce
creates conflicts of loyaly in the children. Whose side do they
take? Often children feel pulled by love and loyalty in both directions.
* Uncertainty about the future causes deep-seated insecurity.
Being dependent mainly on one parent creates a great deal of anxiety.
* The anger and resentment between the parents, which is so prevalent
in most divorces, creates intense fear in the child. The younger
the child, the more damaging this climate of anger can be. * The
children take upon themselves much anxiety over their parents.
They worry intensely about their mother in particular, with the
departure of the father (or the mother, in those rarer cases where
it is the wife who leaves) being a terrifying event. * If the
family moves, a child may lose an at-home parent, a home, a school,
neighborhood, church, and friends. Divorce represents a loss of
so many things that a deep depression is almost unavoidable in
children. Most parents fail to recognize this depression.

Archibald D. Hart, Children and Divorce, Dallas:
Word Publishing, 1982, pp.28-29. [225]

Parents who are suffering from a divorce are particularly
prone to giving their children distorted feedback. This is because
the parents are hurting too; their self-esteem has also been lowered.
It is important, therefore, that divorced parents try to be on
guard against sending messages that damage their children’s self-confidence
and make them question their value. Divorce raises enough problems
for children without parents projecting their own resentment,
bitterness, and anger in those children. Divorced parents need
to be particularly sensitive about using verbalized judgements
– words like monster, horrible, evil, devil, selfish, ugly, and
no-good should be abolished from their vocabulary when they are
talking to their children. And phrases like ‘You are just like
your father (or mother)’ should never come up.

Archibald D. Hart, Children and Divorce, Dallas:
Word Publishing, 1982, pp.112-113. [126]

The Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol – that
our lives had become unmanageable. 2. Came to believe that a Power
greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. 3. Made a decision
to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood
Him. 4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the
exact nature of our wrongs. 6. Were entirely ready to have God
remove all these defects of character. 7. Humbly asked Him to
remove our shortcomings. 8. Made a list of all persons we had
harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all. 9. Made
direct amends to such peopIe wherever possible, except when to
do so would injure them or others. 10. Continued to take personal
inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it. 11. Sought
through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact
with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His
will for us and the power to carry that out. 12. Having had a
spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to
carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles
in all our affairs.

* The Twelve Steps are reprinted with permission
of Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc. Permission to reprint
the Twelve Steps does not mean that AA has reviewed or approved
the content of this publication, nor that AA agrees with the views
expressed herein. AA is a program of recovery from alcoholism
– use of the Twelve Steps in connection with programs and activities
which are patterned after AA, but which address other problems,
does not imply otherwise.

Quoted in Thomas Whiteman, Ph.D, with Randy Petersen,
The Fresh Start Single Parenting Workbook, Nashville: Thomas Nelson
Publishers, 1993, pp.77-78. [206]

BILL OF RlGHTS FOR SINGLE PARENTS

1. You have the right to set aside time for yourself,
your hobbies, your interests, and your social life. 2. You have
the right to put the children to bed early so that you can have
some time to yourself. 3. You have the right to attend a retreat
or weekend away once in a while for your own mental health. 4.
You have the right to say no to your children when they are too
demanding or when they request unnecessary things. 5. You have
the right to get baby-sitters for your children so that you can
go out with your friends. 6. You have the right to insist that
your ex-spouse maintain a regular and consistent visitation schedule.
7. You have the rlght to your own privacy. 8. You have the right
to pursue your dream, whether it involves going back to school,
changing careers, or saving, for a special trip.

Adapted from ‘Better Homes and Gardens’, April 1992,
p.33 Quoted in Thomas Whiteman, Ph.D, with Randy Petersen, The
Fresh Start Single Parenting Workbook, Nashville: Thomas Nelson
Publishers, 1993, p.120. [148]

Whilst it is true that he condemned hypocrisy, I
have never been able to find even one instance in the New Testament
in which Jesus bludgeoned someone into the kingdom of heaven by
threats or bitter denunciations of their sinfulness. Perhaps it
is time that the church reconsidered its position and tried things
his way…

The Bible… makes it plain tht God hates divorce,
that is, he hates to see families broken up… [But] when all
[the] factors are balanced it is clear that the increase in the
incidence of divorce is largely a symptom of serious underlying
problems. The church would be far more effective if it sought
to address those problems rather than simply making sweeping and
condemnatory statements. Of course there are irresponsible and
selfish people who betray their marriage vows without a qualm.
Some of them may be found in our churches. Such people should
be censured, though I would suggest privately rather than from
the pulpit. But it is time the church recognised that such people
are in the minority. Most of the divorced and separated people
in our churches are among the ranks of the hurt and ashamed. They
do not need intemperate diatribes to bring home to them a consciousness
of guilt; they are wracked by it. To come to Christ with their
hurt and their guilt should be a liberating experience. Jesus
came to heal the broken-hearted. We have been entrusted with his
great commission to proclaim the good news that all may be forgiven
and reconciled to their Father. Yet like the Pharisees we so often
bind heavy burdens on their shoulders which we make little effort
to help them bear…

There is an urgent need for the church to endeavour
to become the kind of caring and accepting community in which
people with broken marriages can have their wounds bound and can
receive assistance and encouragement in forging a new life. This
is a challenge which the church has largely failed to take up
or even recognise.

Ken Crispin, Divorce, The Unforgivable Sin? Rydalmere:
Hodder & Stoughton (Australia), 1988, pp.291-294. [338]

Single mums probably have the most important job
in society: raising the next generation. Therefore, they are lowly
paid and constantly harassed by social security. Generally, they
left school at 16 and have to survive on the breadline. Yet they
have they last laugh – they are the experts in the field of child
raising, and quietly chuckle as they watch a married couple (he
a Bachelor of Arts; she a Bachelor of Science Hons, combined income
$100,000 p.a.) futilely trying to stop an eight-month-old completely
humiliating them at the supermarket.

Paul McDonald, She’s Not Normally Like This, Milsons
Point, Australia: Random House, 1991, pp.127-128. [91]

…..

A PRAYER FOR THE DIVORCED

God, Master of Union and Disunion, Teach me how I
may now walk Alone and strong. Heal my wounds; Let the scar tissue
of your bounty Cover these bruises and hurts That I may again
be a single person Adjusted to new days. Grant me a heart of wisdom,
Cleanse me of hostility, revenge and rancor, Make me know the
laughter which is not giddy, The affection which is not frightened.
Keep far from me thoughts of evil and despair. May I realize that
the past chapter of my life Is closed and will not open again.
The anticipated theme of my life has changed, The expected story
end will not come. Shall I moan at the turn of the plot? Rather,
remembering without anger’s thrust Recalling without repetitive
pain of regret, Teach me again to write and read That I may convert
this unexpected epilogue Into a new preface and a new poem. Muddled
gloom over, Tension days passed, Let bitterness of thought fade,
Harshness of memory attenuate, Make me move on in love and kindness.

Source Unknown

…..

A Benediction

May God who heals the broken-hearted heal your broken
heart; May the Saviour who rescues us from our sins and our sorrows
save you from despair or unnecessary depression; May the Holy
Spirit our comforter, comfort you in all your trials and testings.
Amen.