Here’s a recent post to our clergy/leaders’ mail-list (join us for more
like this), and to our home page. It’s part of chapter 14 in my recent
book ‘The Family: At Home in a Heartless World’ (Harper Collins)

Shalom! Rowland Croucher

Marriage breakdown, separation and divorce are some of the most painful
of human experiences. All the symptoms of grief and bereavement are felt
but without the finality of death (where the spouse is gone forever, and
won’t be around to be vindictive). Some get over it and start afresh in
a matter of months. For others, the pain lingers for years. Probably two
years is about the average for a person to ‘recover’ from a divorce. Some
never do.

In my counseling practice I find that people experience difficulties
in their marriage, and later divorce, for lots of reasons. One mate falls
in love with someone else (which is hardly ever the real problem – the
issues are deeper). Or the accumulated tensions associated with drug or
alcohol dependency, sexual problems, gambling or other addictive behaviours
are all too much (again, there are deeper issues in these cases). Sometimes
in mid-life he begins to look for security rather than significance; but
for her at mid-life the kids are grown up, she’s back in the work-force,
and is looking for significance (her security as homemaker is being replaced
by something else). So he and she have apparently incompatible life-agendas.

Sometimes there’s the legacy of what used to be called the ‘shotgun
wedding’: they were too young, and were pitchforked into a marriage for
which they were inadequately prepared. Perhaps destructive baggage is brought
into the marriage from his background or hers – or both – and they covered
it up in the frenetic activity of raising children, but those old ghosts
in the cupboard won’t stop rattling. (Divorce is hereditary: the divorce
rate is much higher for those who have divorced parents. And if you are
divorced, your children have about a 60% of divorcing, in spite of their
vow, ‘It will never happen to me’.)

Sometimes he feels emotionally deprived and married her to find a mother;
she was a victim of abuse and married him to find a sensitive, nurturing
father: and it didn’t work out. So most divorce is the culmination of a
drawn-out process of growing disillusionment. They felt ‘conned’. They
didn’t get what they expected (or Hollywood taught them to expect!).

The baby boomer ‘trade-it-in consumer mentality’ plus easier no-fault
divorce legislation has enabled – some would say encouraged – many more
people to divorce than would have happened a generation ago. Our parents
would have ‘toughed it out’ in a sick marriage. Divorce was shameful, or
they would stay together ‘for the sake of the kids’.

What do you do when the marriage is rocky? Begin by admitting there
are problems. Hiding them won’t help: relationship conflicts won’t be swept
under the carpet. Do both want the marriage? Are one or both prepared to
work on their personal growth and the possibility of change? Is each partner
willing to take some responsibility for their input into the marriage breakdown?
Are both willing to get professional help? For many, if not most Christians
(and others), there is the question of promise: were my vows said back
then with real intentionality? If the answer is ‘yes’ to all or most of
these, there is a better chance to work on the relationship. Is there a
third party? (If so, there is a higher – but not an inevitable – chance
of the marriage coming to an end.)

If you decide to separate (and always make decisions like this with
the help of a caring friend or counselor), work it through one day at a
time. My strong suggestion is to regard separation/ divorce as a last resort.
Ask yourself: will I be satisfied that I made every endeavour to get our
relationship fixed as I look back on this time?

There will almost certainly be an experience of shock: is this really
happening to me? The pain is dealt with by denial, perhaps retreating from
friends, not getting help. Anger is the outcome of hopes built up then
shattered. One’s self-esteem takes a battering. Grief and bereavement are
positive responses to any loss, by the way. Work it through, externalize
your feelings. If you don’t, the negative process of self-pity will take
over and begin, like a cancer, to rob you of emotional health.

Make the break as clean as possible (yes, you can both stay friendly,
if not ‘good friends’). Don’t feel you still have to solve the problems
of your separated partner: some people learn faster when they are left
alone, and take responsibility for themselves. Forget about ‘getting even’:
just take it on the chin and get on with life.

There are three tested ways to recover from a difficult marriage: [1]
Join a divorce support group of some sort where there is mutual support
and accountability; [2] Get your spiritual and emotional life right; [3]
Commit yourself to a 12-step recovery program, like that for Alcoholics
Anonymous. Create a new identity. Join one or two new groups. Learn new
skills. Enjoy new experiences with new friends.

And now a word about parenting after divorce. It has been said, ‘Divorce
is the process that turns whole parents into half parents’. One-parent
families comprise 13% of all Australian families: in 84% of these families
a mother is the lone parent. A study of 153 sole and 1226 couple parent
families in Melbourne found that ‘sole mothers with dependent children
were less satisfied with their personal and family lives than couple parents.
They were less satisfied with their housing, transport, income, living
standards, their children’s well-being, their own relationship with the
children, their children’s relationship with their father and how well
the children get along with their brothers and sisters’ (Sally Heath, ‘Single
mothers not so happy’, The Age, Melbourne, 6.1.1994, p.5).

Someone has said, ‘If divorce is like war, children are its orphans’.
Remember your children are suffering their own grieving. Sometimes they
wonder, ‘Is it my fault?’ ‘Where will I live?’ The little boy in the movie
Kramer vs Kramer asks ‘Where will I put my toys?’ This may intimidate you:
you are torn between your own surviving and the children’s well-being.
You must allow your children to grieve. And they have to learn to relate
to both of you in this new, painful situation. By the way, don’t ever,
ever, speak a negative word about their other parent – even if they put
‘garbage’ into the kids’ heads about you!

In his excellent book, Growing Through Divorce, Jim Smoke lists these
issues for single parents: (1) ‘My circuits are on overload’: the custodial
parent has to make too many decisions without the help of a partner; the
non-custodial parent suffers loneliness. (2) ‘Where are you when I need
you?’: in times of crisis in the lives of the children, the visiting parent
is often accused (rightly or wrongly) of not taking their fair share of
responsibility. (3) ‘I don’t get any respect’: children sometimes lose
respect for their parents after the bitterness of divorce. (4) ‘Help, I’m
a prisoner’: single parents may overcompensate by allowing their parenting
role to restrict their mobility.

He then offers these guidelines for single parents: (1) Don’t try to
be both parents to your children: be what you are – a mother or father.
(2) Don’t force your children into playing the role of the departed parent:
the nine-year old can’t be ‘daddy in the house now’. (3) Be the parent
you are: ‘Don’t abdicate your parent position for that of a big brother,
big sister, friend, buddy or pal’. (4) Be honest with your children: tell
them the truth about what is going on, but ‘speak the truth in love’. (5)
Don’t put your ex-spouse down in front of your children: trying to convince
your children the other parent is mostly to blame is a game nobody wins
and everybody loses. (6) Don’t make your children undercover agents who
report on the other parent’s current activities. (7) The children of divorce
need both a mother and a father: don’t deny them this right because of
your anger, hostility, guilt or vengeance. (8) Don’t become a ‘Disneyland
Daddy’ or ‘Magic Mountain Mommy’: tragically the single parent outside
the home becomes the entertainer, because they can’t think what else to
do. (9) Share your dating life and social interests with your children.
(10) Help your children keep the good memories of your past marriage alive.
(11) Work out a management and existence structure for your children with
your ex-spouse. (12) If possible, try not to disrupt the many areas in
your children’s lives that offer them safety and security. (13) If your
child does not resume normal development and growth in their life within
a year of the divorce, they may need the special help of a counselor.

Smoke’s summary: ‘Divorce – you can go through it or you can grow through
it!’ [Jim Smoke, Growing Through Divorce, Eugene, Oregon: Harvest House
Publishers, 1986, p. 165. Reproduced with permission].

You can begin again! We all fail, but never ever call yourself a failure.
As one divorce workshop leader counsels: Say to yourself: ‘I am divorced.
I am single. I am OK.’ A sign on a merchant’s wall read ‘In God We Trust
– all others pay cash!’ Yes, you can trust God to help you and heal you
and form a new person through the pain of divorce and recovery. You can
ask God for a new attitude to life. Remember the wise saying in almost
every culture: It’s not what life does to you that counts; but what you
do to life! Or, your satisfaction as a single parent or ex-married is not
based as much on your circumstances as on your attitude toward your circumstances.

A PRAYER FOR THE DIVORCED

God, Master of union and disunion, Teach me how I may now walk Alone
and strong. Heal my wounds; Let the scar tissue of your bounty Cover these
bruises and hurts That I may again be a single person Adjusted to new days.
Grant me a heart of wisdom, Cleanse me of hostility, revenge and rancor,
Make me know the laughter which is not giddy, The affection which is not
frightened. Keep far from me thoughts of evil and despair. May I realize
that the past chapter of my life Is closed and will not open again. The
anticipated theme of my life has changed, The expected story end will not
come. Shall I moan at the turn of the plot? Rather, remembering without
anger’s thrust Recalling without repetitive pain of regret, Teach me again
to write and read That I may convert this unexpected epilogue Into a new
preface and a new poem. Muddled gloom over, Tension days passed, Let bitterness
of thought fade, Harshness of memory attenuate, Make me move on in love
and kindness.

Source Unknown

A Benediction

May God who heals the broken-hearted heal your broken heart. May the
Saviour who rescues us from our sins and our sorrows save you from despair
or unnecessary depression. May the Holy Spirit our comforter, comfort you
in all your trials and testings. Amen.