reserved.

A bride was very nervous about her imminent wedding. At the

rehearsal she had her share of pre-wedding jitters, and when it

was over the pastor quietly gave her some advice. "When you

enter the church tomorrow," he said, "and the organist

starts the processional, remember that you’ll be walking down an

aisle you’ve walked down many times before. Concentrate on the

aisle.

"When you get half-way down the aisle you’ll look up and

see the altar. You and your family have faced this altar many

times before. Concentrate on the altar. Think altar.

"Then when you approach the front, you’ll see him, the

man of your dreams, the one you’ll marry. You’re going to pledge

your life to him. Concentrate on him."

The bride seemed relieved at this advice. The next day, when

the wedding march commenced and she began the walk down the aisle

to marry her fiance, she was totally composed. But the guests in

the pews next to the aisle were startled to hear her muttering to

herself as she passed, "Aisle, altar, him"!

One of the reasons marriage ends in separation or divorce is

that one or the other couldn’t alter the other. Or they grew

tired of having to conform to the unrealistic expectations of

their partner. Or they misunderstood the deep relational needs of

their spouse: "to prove his love for her he swam the deepest

river, crossed the widest desert, climbed the highest mountain .

. . and she divorced him because he was never at home."

There are many couples in our communities, and in our churches,

at some point in this process. Perhaps you’re in a situation

right now where the thought of separation or divorce has crossed

your mind.

Most of us know people who have survived extra-marital affairs

and are still married. There are also people whose love for each

other has died, and being together is a nightmare, but they cling

onto their cold and unfulfilling marriage. What is God’s will?

What should we do in these situations? Is it right to separate

from your partner? Does the Bible condone divorce? Can a divorced

person remarry in this church? What about children who are

involved? These, and many other questions, need answers.

To get married and stay married is God’s ideal, and it’s what

most of us want and hope for. We saw two weeks ago that God

established marriage between men and women in the garden of Eden.

But there are two basic misconceptions about marriage that cause

a lot of heart-ache and destructive behaviour today. The first

misconception is that the Bible never permits divorce; the second

is that the marriage tie is unbreakable or indissoluble. While

God said, "I hate divorce" in Malachi 2:16, he was not

referring to every divorce but to specific cases in Malachi’s

day.

Marriage is God’s ideal, and the marriage tie is not meant to

be broken, but even Jesus sanctioned divorce in the case where

one partner commits adultery. In Matthew 19, Pharisees test Jesus

about the application of divorce laws given by Moses.

Jesus replied, "Moses permitted you to divorce your

commits adultery" (verse 9).

In those days a marriage could be dissolved at any time a

husband chose to write out a few lines containing the necessary

formula, sign it before witnesses, and hand it to his wife. By

giving this teaching, Jesus reinforced the permanent nature of

the marriage tie in a society like ours where marriage was

lightly regarded, and defined one instance where divorce was

permissible.

There are arguments among scholars about how to interpret the

verse, but the plain reading of the text indicates that a

marriage may be formally ended where adultery has taken place.

This is not an automatic procedure. Adultery is a devastating

sin, but it is not beyond forgiveness. I would hope, especially

among Christians, that repentance and forgiveness and healing for

the wrongs committed, even for adultery, would mean that divorce

is not necessary. But I believe divorce is an option in such

cases, especially where the adultery has taken place over an

extended period, or where multiple partners are involved.

The other significant New Testament passage on divorce is 1

Corinthians 7:10-15:

To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A

us to live in peace.

Verses 1-7 lay down the general principle for marriage; verses

8 to 28 discuss specific cases. In the passage we read, Paul

clearly teaches that it’s better not to separate or divorce. But

what happens when one partner becomes a Christian, or when one of

you no longer lives as a Christian? Even then, says Paul, it’s

better to stay married if you can both live peacefully together.

But what happens if your non-Christian partner leaves, deserts

you, or goes off with someone else? Then, says Paul, "you

are not bound in such circumstances" (verse 15).God no

longer holds you to your marriage vows; the marriage is over –

you are free to remarry. God has called us to live in peace, and

this means that in every situation we should do what is conducive

to peaceful relations.

I have a Christian friend who married a really committed

Christian man who served the Lord in student ministry on

university campuses, and one day he decided that God no longer

existed, the Bible was a book of fables, and Christianity was a

flawed and irrelevant religion. For some time his wife and others

tried to reason with him, but to no avail. And eventually he left

his wife, he walked away from his marriage, and left her alone.

Fortunately there were no children. This is the kind of situation

Paul talks about in 1 Corinthians 7:15 – the partner who remains

should consider themselves not bound to the marriage; they are

single again, and free to remarry. The preference is to remain

single, but to remarry is not sin.

The passage speaks about a believer deserted by an unbeliever.

What if both are Christians? I believe the same principle

applies, because marriage is not an institution for Christians

alone but for all humanity. God doesn’t have two standards – one

for Christians and one for non-Christians. The principle can be

extended to the marriage between two Christians.

What about the guilty party? Is he or she also free to remarry

without committing adultery? Logically, we have to say they also

are not bound. If we don’t, we create the contradiction of

holding that the innocent partner is unmarried and free to

remarry, but the guilty party (whether repentant or not) is

somehow still married and thus can never marry again. "Not

bound" means not bound. The marriage is over, the vows are

withdrawn, and there can be no going back to that original

marriage. It’s a permanent change, and one not to be enacted

lightly.

We have seen that, although God created marriage as the ideal

for humanity, and although the Bible holds marriage in the

highest esteem, yet there are exceptions in which marriage can be

ended as a last resort in distressing circumstances. In cases of

adultery, and where one partner is deserted by another, scripture

allows separation, divorce and remarriage. I would also suggest

that where ongoing emotional or physical abuse takes place in a

marriage, and there is no repentance or change in behaviour, then

the victim should consider separation and divorce for their own

sake and the sake of any children.

Of course, prevention is better than cure. Dr Gary Collins

says that "one of the best ways to avoid divorce is to

encourage unmarried people to move into marriage cautiously and

to avoid relationships that are potentially catastrophic"

(p. 234). And for those of us who are married, the best way to

prevent divorce is to build a stronger marriage based on biblical

principles and characterised by love, commitment and open

communication.

An elderly man holding a bouquet of flowers boarded a bus and

took a seat. A young woman opposite kept glancing at the

beautiful flowers as their perfume filled the bus. The bus

stopped, and the man rose to get off. Turning to the young woman,

he said, "Here, take these. I can see you would love to have

them, and my wife would like you to have them too. I’ll tell her

I gave them to you." The girl accepted the flowers, and as

the bus pulled away she watched the old man walk through the gate

of a small cemetery.

Today it’s my prayer that God will add his strength to our

marriages, that he will pour his love and healing into the

hurting hearts of those in broken or destructive relationships,

and that he will give us his wisdom to rule our lives and to grow

strong Christian families. And at the end of our lives, may we

like that old man be able to demonstrate the depth of our

commitment and love toward the partner God has given us.

This message (no. 78) was preached by Pastor Rod Benson at

Christian Views (Downers Grove: IVP, 1990).