The classic confrontation in the schoolyard or the home where two children come into conflict. There is posturing, petulance, anger, verbal abuse, and, sometimes physical violence. The scene can be repeated in the office and even in social settings. Very few of us enjoy being in conflict with others.

OFTEN THE REAL ISSUE HAS NEVER BEEN BROUGHT OUT INTO THE OPEN

[Cartoon: two parents facing each other with boxing gloves; teenager in background. Parents to each other: ‘I wish that kid would tidy her room so that we wouldn’t fight all the time!’]

THREE WAYS OF DEALING WITH PERSONAL CONFLICT

1. FLEE FROM IT
– sweep the problem under the carpet
– pretend it doesn’t exist
– experience too painful, withdraw, no resolution
– result is strain, tension, ongoing disease

2. FIGHT IT
– become belligerent, impose our will on the other
– result is victory
– produces a loser, results in anger
Dr Walter Cannon, a pioneer researcher in psychosomatic medicine at Harvard University describes what happens to our bodies during bursts of anger: ‘Respiration deepens; the heart beats more rapidly; the arterial pressure rises; the blood is shifted from the stomach and intestines to the heart, central nervous system, and the muscles; the processes of the alimentary canal cease; sugar is freed from the reserves in the liver, the spleen contracts and discharges its contents of concentrated corpuscles, and adrenalin is secreted.’ Not too healthy eh?

3. FACE IT
– use it creatively. How?

SOME SKILLS IN CONFLICT RESOLUTION
1. Win/win approach – possibilities for mutual gain
2. The creative response – conflict as opportunity
3. Empathy – seeing the other person’s point of view
4. Appropriate assertiveness – stating your rights
5. Co-operative power – difference between power over and with
6. Managing emotions – handling own anger and frustration
7. Willingness to resolve – destructive power of resentment
8. Mapping the conflict – looking at the underlying needs, values, objectives and visions of all participants
9. Development of options – creating a smorgasbord of choices from which to choose action appropriate for both parties
10. Negotiation skills – creating suitable environments for working together for resolution
11. Broadening perspectives – understanding the other’s point of view as valid

CHOICES OF RESPONSES / STRATEGIES!

1. THE TURTLE APPROACH
– temporary withdrawal
– reflection
– protection of relationship
– avoidance

2. THE BEAR APPROACH
– suppression of feelings
– giving in
– denial of reality
– ‘our family doesn’t fight’

3. THE FOX APPROACH
– compromise
– temporarily settling for second best
– 2 kids, 1 orange, cut in two one wanted juice, other rind
– asks what you need out of situation

4. THE SHARK APPROACH
– win/lose
– ‘might is right’ advantages – take control in crisis
– magistrate, parent, surgeon disadvantages – lack of respect
– can be damaging to both

5. THE OWL APPROACH
– WIN/WIN
– ‘fairness’
– values relationships
– conflicts are there to be solved