From: Anonymous <>
Newsgroups: aus.religion.christian
Subject: Re: Abuse Issues (was Re: Women in Leadership)
Date: Fri, 05 Jun 1998 19:45:53 +1000

B Hall wrote:

> Abuse is amazingly widespread. The estimates on the volume of people who
> have been sexually abused is enough to make people do a double take. For
> some reason, people either assume it's not very common or they don't want
> to know the facts and figures, because it's a horribly troubling topic.
> 
> Too, if the figures are even close (estimates are something line one in
> three women were sexually abused at some point before adulthood, but those
> figures could be off or biased), then when you bring the topic up, chances
> are VERY good that the people you're talking to is/was a survivor of
> sexual abuse who may not be ready to deal with the hurts, so they just
> ignore it or deny it.
> 
> Yes, I've done a lot of research on the topic. It's my area of ministry,
> because I've lived it, myself (as a child and as an adult).
> 
> > Most of them had come to terms with the past, and were now reasonably
> > happy with their lives.  But a significant proportion were still
> > trying to work through the trauma, and get to the stage where they
> > were prepared to forgive their abusers.
> 
> "Forgive" is very much a loaded subject with abuse survivors. I could go
> on at some length about the whole concept of "forgiveness" and what it
> means.
> 
> > This was in a group of women.  Had it been in a mixed group, most of
> > the women (perhaps all of them) would have kept silent.
> 
> Possibly. I will speak to anyone on the matter, but it's my calling and I
> have a very hot flame that burns where this is concerned. I'm sure I'm in
> a minority as far as abuse survivors go; most just do what they must to
> get past it. Some manage to really, TRULY heal. Some just learn to live
> with the hurts but never fully achieve healing.
> 
> Abuse is one of Satan's greatest tools.
> 
> > Can we get more women involved in a.r.c to talk about their
> > experiences?
> 
> Depends what you want them to talk about, I suspect. I'm willing to talk
> about most things, but see above. Too, I was in my twenties before I ever
> admitted (or knew) that I had a problem, and in my thirties before I
> really started to come to grips with what happened to me in my life and
> look at the damage it did.
> 
> Lots of times, people are somewhat aware of their pain and scars, but are
> not fully aware of how deep the hurt goes or what affect it has on them.
> Denial is a powerful drug, and it helps you survive some pretty bad
> trauma. Unfortunately, it's addictive.

I've been looking at these posts for some time now, wondering whether to
say something.  I've posted to this group before, but it is best (for
the moment IMHO) that I remain anonymous.

I just wanted to point out a few things.

Like Bonni says: "...if the figures are even close...then when you bring
the topic up, chances are VERY good that the people you're talking to
is/was a survivor of sexual abuse..."

Also, you can infer from this that there is also a good chance that you
may be talking to an abuser.

I'm going to try to do this as gently as possible, so please don't jump
down my throat -- I do that to myself often enough...

This is one of the areas in my life I'm not proud of.  It's all over,
and it has been dealt with by just about everyone except me.  I abused a
young girl when I was a teenager, and then stopped (probably because,
deep down, I knew it was wrong).  I then, quite unaware, blacked it out.

In first/second year Uni it resurfaced, and I came clean first with a
University chaplain, then my parents, and then we had an open meeting
back home with the mother of the abused girl,  one of her close friends,
and our local minister.  They "interrogated" me, if you like, and we got
it cleared up.

Later, I went to court after the mother decided to lay charges, and the
judge deemed that I had shown regret and remorse for my actions, and as
far as the legal side of things, it was over.

I also had counselling over a long period of time to try to deal with
it, in myself.  This was part of an agreement between me, our minister,
and the mother.  We decided that no-one outside our immediate circle of
family (and some of her friends) would know about it, which is why I'm
going under the tag of "Anonymous".

The girl herself does not recall any incidents at this stage, for which
I am grateful for her part.  She is a bright and intelligent young girl,
who is great friends with my parents (as is her mother), and I don't
want her to suffer more than she ultimately will when she remembers.  If
I could, I would take that suffering from her as well...

The purpose of this post is to give an abuser's perspective.  And it may
surprise you, but we suffer too (some of us, at least - probably those
who are "repentant")

For a long time I seriously considered killing myself because I hated
myself.  The counselling didn't touch my interior, just my exterior -
and I am sure that's the way it would be again with a counsellor who was
not a known friend (that's just the type of person I am).

Even now, I have an exterior facade that I use as a defense when my
friends make disgusted comments like, "How could anyone do THAT??!", all
the while unaware that someone who has "done THAT" is sitting next to
them.  Even in general life, I can't say what I think about some things,
and why I think them, because that would breach the arranged
confidentiality.

In myself, I have a very hard time coming to grips with the idea that I
could be lovable, because I'm always searching for a way to justify my
self-hatred.  I no longer think practically about suicide - God loves me
too much, and I love my family too much to hurt them more by killing
myself.  Sometimes I daydream about the idea, but that's about the limit
of it.

I just wanted to post this to make you all aware of the other side of
the coin too.  Admittedly, there are abusers who don't care, but there
are those of us (probably a minority) who do.  We suffer as a result of
the things we have done to others.  We're not monsters - we're people
like you, and we're probably all around you.  And we hurt.

For me, this event and my continuing hate for myself and unforgiveness
of my past actions, are probably one of the most shaping factors in my
life.  I even wrote a poem about it (I'm a poet when the mood strikes),
and I wish I had it here so I could post it.  Maybe it would help you
understand my torment.  I can only vaguely remember the last couple of
lines:

"...

 The pain of living is so unbearable,

 I want to die.

 And this is why I choose to live --

 Because such is my desert."

PS. I'm not trying, in any way, to detract from the immense pain in the
abused's lives, but merely to show that abuse hurts _everyone_.  It's a
burning subject in my heart, but _very_ hard to mention/discuss it
(mainly because - rightly to some degree - it's not a matter for popular
sympathy)

 

Later.