One given to anger stirs up strife, and the hothead causes much
transgression. (Proverbs 29:22) Keep your tongue from evil, and your
lips from speaking deceit. (Psalm 34:13) To make an apt answer is a joy
to anyone, and a word in season, how good it is! (Proverbs 15:23)
Therefore you have no excuse, whoever you are, when you judge others;
for in passing judgment on another you condemn yourself, because you,
the judge, are doing the very same things. You say, ‘We know that God’s
judgment on those who do such things is in accordance with truth.’ Do
you imagine, whoever you are, that when you judge those who do such
things and yet do them yourself, you will escape the judgment of God?
(Romans 2:1-3)

He will yet fill your mouth with laughter, and your lips with shouts
of joy. (Job 8:21)

You show me the path of life. In your presence there is fullness of
joy; in your right hand are pleasures forevermore. (Psalm 16:11) A
cheerful heart is a good medicine, but a downcast spirit dries up the
bones. (Proverbs 17:22) A glad heart makes a cheerful countenance, but
by sorrow of heart the spirit is broken. (Proverbs 15:13)

Let everyone be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger.
(James 1:19) Let your word be ‘Yes, Yes’ or ‘No, No’; anything more than
this comes from the evil one. (Matthew 5:37)

With all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one
another in love, making every effort to maintain the unity of the Spirit
in the bond of peace. (Ephesians 4:2-3)

One generation shall laud your works to another, and shall declare
your mighty acts. (Psalm 145:4)

You know the famous Abbott and Costello routine, ‘Who’s on first?’
about a baseball game in which Mr. Whooze is on first, Mr. Whats is on
second, and Mr. Heeze is on third. As they move through this
conversation the two comedians become thoroughly and hilariously
confused. At one point the exchange goes like this:

Costello: ‘I thought you said he’s on second.’
Abbott: ‘No,
Heeze’s on third.’
Costello: ‘Who’s on third?’
Abbott: ‘No,
Whooze’s on first!’
Costello: ‘What?’
Abbott: ‘He’s on
second!’
Costello: ‘Who’s on second?’
Abbott: ‘No, I told you.
Whooze’s on first.’

It’s all very funny. But confusion in communication is generally no
laughing matter. It results in hurt feelings, anger, and perhaps broken
relationships.

Can anything be done about poor communication? Yes, our
communication skills can be improved. You know the old line: ‘I know
that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure
you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.’ That doesn’t have
to be.

Communication is the process of exchanging information, feelings or
attitudes through symbols, sounds, signs or behaviour. So not all
communication is verbal: your eyebrows or hands communicate as much
(sometimes more) than your vocal chords.

‘Communication theory’ is built on the idea that all communication
involves a sender, a message, one or more channels, and a receiver. The
sender ‘encodes’ the message in some form; the receiver ‘decodes’ or
interprets the message, and feeds back to the sender some sort of
response. But for all this to happen the sender and receiver have to
‘connect’ with some common knowledge and experience. So when a message
is ‘transmitted’ it is not necessarily ‘comprehended’.

All meaningful human relationships involves communication, and
therefore some conflict when the communication is not understood, or is
interpreted as a threat. So for communication in a family to be
effective, strong personal relationships are essential: that is, there
ought to be a commitment to the well-being of the other/s; you should
understand their feelings; there ought to be a significant level of
trust; and behaviours ought to be fairly predictable.

Here are nine rules for effective communication within a family or
community:

[1] Recognize the uniqueness of each person. They
do not inhabit the same ‘frame of reference’ you do. They feel different
feelings. They may even understand words or phrases differently. You
bring to a marriage the complex communication-patterns you experienced
with your parents. So always be aware of the possibility of
misinterpretation. As one psychologist said, ‘When married couples say
they’ve never had a disagreement, they are lying, have a poor memory, or
one partner has been made a zero in the relationship.’

[2] Be committed to moving beyond superficial to a greater
depth of understanding. There are various levels of
communication. The most superficial is the cliche level – easy,
day-to-day greetings like ‘Good morning’, ‘How did you sleep?’ The next
level we call reporting – giving factual information without sharing how
you feel. Then there is the opinion level. Here you are beginning to
take a risk, revealing something of yourself with which another might
disagree. In healthy families there is great freedom at this level.
Next we have the feeling level: in good communication there is
congruence between those communicating. We are truly ‘heard’, not only
in terms of the words we use, but the ‘feeling agenda’ behind the words.
Finally, the highest level of communication is oneness – the rare
moments when you feel totally accepted, understood, ‘at one’ with the
other. This is ‘gut-level’ communication, where you are unafraid to
expose who you really are to another. John Powell in his book Why Am I
Afraid To Tell You Who I am? writes: ‘I am afraid to tell you who I am,
because, if I tell you who I am, you may not like who I am, and it’s all
I have.’

A well-put-together person has others with whom they relate at
various levels; and they know the most appropriate level with each of
those persons. If you don’t have anyone at the ‘oneness’ level, find
someone, even if you have to pay for the privilege!

[3] Learn to listen. Simon and Garfunkel used to
sing a song describing ‘people hearing without listening’. You’ve heard
about the man a novelist described as ‘far too far out all my life. Not
waving but drowning…’ Nobody truly ‘noticed’. Nobody heard. Nobody
listened. Good listening is hard work. It involves concentration: your
mind must be present, not miles away. And it requires an open mind, not
a prejudicial mind-set. If you are making judgments about the
communicator or their ideas, you are not able to truly hear them. Avoid
emotional interference: if the other’s mannerisms or bad grammar bug
you, ignore them, and still try to listen. Or they may say something
that causes a ‘red flag’ to fly in your brain: that will interfere with
your hearing too. Remember that you think about four times faster than a
person can speak, so you will be summarizing in your mind what you are
hearing, listening between the lines for nuances or interpretations you
might otherwise miss.

Feed back words and phrases that indicate you’re tracking with the
other; ‘You’re saying that…’ ‘What I hear is…’ ‘So you feel…’

[4] Getting through depends on credibility. Unless
others have confidence in you, they will be less inclined to listen to
you. So their perceptions of your reliability, honesty and competence
are key factors: and they must perceive that your non-verbal and verbal
components agree with each other to be credible. People listen carefully
to those they trust.

[5] Try not to be defensive. It’s amazing how often
married partners will have an irrational argument, and when they come
for counseling, they will both agree, ‘It was a stupid little thing that
started it all!’ Well, there’s a deeper agenda at work here, and you’d
better figure out what it is. For example, if she comes across like an
authoritarian mother, the little boy in him will react defensively: he
left one of those, and doesn’t need another one in his marriage! If he
is preoccupied, she will get angry: maybe her father was like that (or
was not like that!). If you were criticized a lot as a child, you may
tend to be overly critical of your own children. As we have said
elsewhere a lot of ‘Don’t do that!’ ‘You stupid…’ is not necessary for
good discipline, and will foster self-doubt in your kids.

[6] Negotiate ‘win-win’ conflict resolutions where
possible. You may have to compromise. Here’s one way we do it.
‘Darling, want to go out tonight?’ ‘Well, I’ve got a lot to do…’
‘Well, why not a movie without the dinner this time… How would that
be?’ ‘O.K.’ Such give-and-take are the essence of a strong relationship.
(By the way, a diaried time together for married partners on a regular
basis is a good idea). What if your partner is irresponsible? Don’t
rescue them. If they’re forgetful, don’t buy the line ‘I just forget
things!’ Arrange together to put a list (of birthdays, anniversaries,
bills to pay etc.) in a prominent place.

[7] Realize that males and females, in all cultures,
communicate differently. In Western cultures men do not easily
communicate their feelings. So a question like ‘What’s bothering you?’
is a tough one for a male. Men tend to talk about facts (‘objective
reality’ is one of my favourite phrases when Jan and I have a difference
of perception about something). Men want to analyse the problem and
suggest solutions; women want to empathize. Men have more difficulty
than women hearing the ‘pain agenda’ in other people. Men tend to
interrupt more than women (and they interrupt women more often than
women interrupt men). Women are more active listeners; men more
passive. (So women are more likely to ask ‘Did you hear me? Are you
listening?’). Men need to be in control. They may speak more forcefully
or loudly when they feel threatened.

[7] Keep it simple. The best communicators put
interesting, or even complicated ideas, into simple language. Wisdom and
simplicity go together. To communicate clearly, the words and ideas you
use should be understood the same way by the hearer. Your aim is to get
across your ideas or feelings, not to be impressive. Then, when you have
said enough, stop.

However, please note that when some people are asked where they’re
going they like to describe the scenery on the way. When I ask my wife,
for example, when she thinks she will be ready for us to leave, or go to
bed, or whatever, she lists all the things she has to do in the meantime
– interesting (and I ought to be interested if I love her), but
sometimes I only want my question answered!

By the way, men are usually more economical with words. Yes, he had
a ‘good’ time; she will fill out many of the details. Men are usually
‘condensers’; women ‘amplifiers’. There’s nothing wrong with these
approaches, but the amplifier wishes his/her partner would give more
details, while the condenser wishes his/her partner would use fewer
words. So each has to adapt to the style of the other for the best
communication to occur. If your spouse is a condenser, match that style.
It works.

[8] Choose your moment to communicate carefully. ‘I
want to talk, he wants peace and quiet’. Two things to avoid here are
‘nagging’ or resentment. He may be quiet for two reasons, among others:
the day has been tension-filled – people, people, people – and he needs
solitude. Or the wife may be intimidating in some way and he withdraws
into his shell for protection. Men tend to close up if they are accused
of being insensitive, selfish, unloving, a failure, sports-mad, or
sexist, or if the woman in his life collapses too often into tears! Be
quietly direct: ‘Would you prefer not to talk just now? Is there another
way I can put things so I don’t come on too strong?’ Work on your
timing!

[9] Spice your communication with humour. Couples
who laugh together stay together, particularly when each has the kind of
self-esteem that doesn’t mind a joke at their expense! Research shows
that couples who laugh and joke and use pet names for each other have
stronger marriages. Laughter, of course, is contagious: it spreads
itself around like an infection. Laughter helps reduce stress, tension
and anxiety. It is therapeutic: people who laugh live longer. (An
exception: humorists, people who are professional laughter-makers, are
rarely happy themselves).

Here are a few examples of common communication hassles in a family:

* ‘We’ve been married for 20 years; I shouldn’t have to tell him’.
Well, maybe you haven’t been direct enough. Ask for some feedback to
make sure he heard you clearly. Don’t drop hints, or communicate through
a third person. Or maybe you’ve been too direct: some males don’t like
being ordered around: have you discovered that? You may need to be more
subtle. Or realize that he doesn’t want to hear you: he’s determined
not to follow through on what you want for some reason. You may have to
‘accept what you cannot change.’

* ‘She really bugs me when she does that!’ Communicate your feelings
– own them – and do not attack your wife personally. Talk about her
behaviour without putting her down. And own your own feelings. For
example, say ‘I get irritable when… happens, and I’m trying to figure
out why!’ Better still: in a ‘marriage check-up’ time, ask one another
what gives you each the ‘irrits’ and listen to one another carefully.

* ‘My kids won’t do what they’re told.’ Every child needs the
security of being told only once from when they’re very young: if you
have to repeat a command, link it with a clear penalty. Then apply the
penalty firmly if there is still no obedience. Later, children will know
the rules and be more willing to participate in conforming to them. As
they get older you will negotiate with them the areas of authority and
rules and discipline and work-around-the-house and then invite them
rather than order them to do this or that. Negotiate household chores
and make a list.

An Australian clinical psychologist, Dr Peter O’Connor lists the
following warning signals which show we are taking ourselves too
seriously:

* Martyrdom: the husband sitting on the sofa watching TV holds up
his cup wanting a refill. The wife might once have quipped, ‘What’s the
matter, broken your ankle?’ but now rises wearily with hung head and
trudges to the kitchen…

* One-upping: one partner has had a bad day, but the other always
has had a worse one…

* Playing Out the Self-fulfilling Prophecy. He says, ‘You seem
upset’. She says, ‘I’m not’. He says, ‘You look it.’ She shouts, ‘I am
not upset!’

* Trading off: this is where one or both partners keeps a list of
grievances, to slog the other with when tempers flare.

* Carbon-copying: ‘This occurs when we are out of ideas (or the
desire) to come up with a reasonable solution to a problem, and instead
of throwing up our hands and having a good laugh – or cry – as we might
have done before we began to take ourselves so seriously, we retreat
behind attitudes we have absorbed from our parents, or others, in times
of stress.’

* Scenario. ‘Four-year-old sits at the kitchen table refusing to eat
his greens. Two-year-old screams to be fed. Mother says “I can’t cope”,
and runs from the room. Father either slaps the four-year-old and
berates his wife for her inefficiency, or quits the house for the pub –
whichever his father would have done. He doesn’t laugh and take over.’

[Quoted in Glenda Banks, Your Guide to Successful Family Living,
Blackburn: Dove Communications, 1985, pp. 38-40.] [236]

One study which compared the communication patterns between happily
and unhappily married couples found that happily married couples

* talked more to each other; * conveyed the feeling that they
understood what was being said to them; * had a wider range of subjects
they talked about; * kept communication channels open no matter what
happened; * showed more sensitivity to each other’s feelings; * used
more nonverbal means of communicating.

Humans have an immense need to be really listened to, to be taken
seriously, to be understood. No one develops into a fully mature human
being without feeling understood by at least one person. George
Harrison, from The Beatles, had a song, ‘Within You, Without You’, which
was really about the essence of loving communication: ‘We were talking –
about the space between us all/ And the people – who hide themselves
behind a wall of ilusion. / Never glimpse the truth – then it’s far too
late, when they pass away… We were talking – about the love we could
share – when we find it/ To try our best to hold it there – with our
love / With our love, we could save the world / If they only knew’.

Love is supposed to conquer all. In such an exalted environment, it
seems quite petty to be upset that your husband didn’t take the trash
out. Or that it takes your wife nearly the time it took Columbus to sail
the ocean blue to put on her makeup… Please, listen to me:
communicate, communicate, communicate. Deal with your differences
immediately. Don’t store up grievances. Talk with one another about
hurts, problems… If you have to schedule a time each week for a
‘gripe’ session, free from the heat of emotions, do it. If you voice
your concerns once, and the other spouse doesn’t seem to get it, voice
them again. Don’t ever adopt the attitude ‘I’ll just suppress the things
that are bothering me until they go away.’ They won’t. When a person
hides a grievance, it will boil and stir, gather other concerns to
itself, and come out much the way lava explodes from a volcano.

Bill Hybels and Rob Wilkins, Tender Love, Chicago: Moody Press,
1993, p.103. [161]

If more Americans could be persuaded to carve out of their three or
four hours of television viewing each day a period of five minutes at
bedtime and use this time to ask their child a simple question – ‘How
did things go today?’ – and listen, the result in terms of individual
families and society as a whole could, I believe, be highly salutary.

George Gallup Jr., Testimony before the Senate Subcommittee on
Family and Human Services, 22 March 1983, quoted in Dr. James Dobson and
Gary L. Bauer, Children at Risk: Winning the Battle for the Hearts and
Minds of your Children, Dallas: Word Publishing, 1990, p.206. [63]

Men follow a distinctive pattern in their communication style. First
of all, they mull over the problem. It is put on the back burner to see
if the issue will go away on its own and gets resolved with as little
effort as possible. During this stage of letting the issues simmer, they
may feel it is unnecessary to talk. But if mulling does not work,
storing the issue deep inside is the next phase. To many men this is the
easiest solution of all. But if this does not work, he will talk about
it. It could be with a sigh of resignation – or with an explosion. This
is a gender distinction, but varies in intensity depending upon cultural
conditioning and personality type.

Often men will say…’I need a little more time to think things
through. Somehow she has the idea that wanting time to think is not
being open and honest with her. That’s ridiculous. I’m not trying to
hide anything, I’m just trying to be sure in my own mind before I talk
about it.’… Men tend to communicate to resolve. They want the bottom
line so they can ‘fix it.’ Sometimes you may not know if you want an
issue resolved until you have talked about it. Many women want to
express themselves because it is their way of interfacing with the
world; they enjoy self-expression.

H. Norman Wright, Questions Women Ask in Private, California: Regal
Books, 1993, pp.24-25. [232]

It is most often the wife who will recognize the need for deeper
communication. We must help our husbands see this need, then think
together as to how we can grow deeper in communicating. First we must
avoid the tendency to blame our husbands. ‘He won’t talk to me,’ is a
common cry. ‘Our schedules are too busy.’ Or, ‘His work is more
important than his family.’

Blaming our husbands for a lack of communication in busy marriages
with young children is not fair. It’s not his fault. It’s the season
we’re in, and it’s our problem together. The first step is to recognize
the normalcy of the problem and not place blame. We must realize this
problem is universal, but we do not have to accept it as something we
must live with. God wants us to be growing in our communication, and
there are many ways this can happen, even in busy households full of
small children.

Susan Alexander Yates, And Then I Had Kids, England: Word (UK) Ltd,
1992, p.88. [159]

This week write a love letter to your spouse. Concentrate on one
single topic: your mate’s good points. What do you appreciate about your
husband or wife? Put your thoughts down on paper. Focus only on the
positive side of their character – not the negative aspects.

You will be amazed how this simple exercise will change your
attitude. Then, as the way you perceive your mate is changed, the
problems will begin to dissolve. In fact, many of them will disappear.

Communication is an art. We need to approach it the way we would
learn to play the piano or the violin… Being a good communicator does
not come naturally; it is a skill that must be learned and practised…
True unity develops as husband and wife share their lives by
communicating with one another. Communication must, first of all, be
intellectual, then emotional and spiritual – finally it will be truly
physical.

D. James Kennedy, Learning to Live with the People You Love,
Springdale PA: Whitaker House, 1987, pp.32-33. [152]

A common habit of the humourless is to cue in to the worst possible
interpretation of a word message sent to him/her. Thus if a husband says
to his wife, ‘Come here my old love’, a humourless wife will pick up on
the word old, completely ignoring the key word ‘love’. Similarly, if a
wife gives her husband a love-pinch on the paunch and calls him
‘cuddles’, a humourless husband will probably react defensively to his
own interpretation of her love message, which he reads as criticism of
his bulk.

Consequently, when working to restore a sense of humour, it is
important to avoid each other’s pressure points. Build up each other’s
self-esteem by laughing at one’s self and inviting the other to join
you.

Look for role models to copy. Go to funny movies together. Tune in
to comedy shows on TV and read out amusing quotes from books, newspapers
and magazines to each other. Don’t dwell on down trips – your own or
other people’s.

A medical educator claims, ‘Laughter can actually relieve muscular
tension and reduce hostility and tension in other people.

‘Laughter, you see, is the antithesis of anger. We express anger or
hostility by threatening gestures which include hiolding our breath and
taking short, deep breaths. Laughter comes out in the expulsion of
breath in rapid bursts, so it is impossible to send out hostile signals
while laughing.’

Glenda Banks, Your Guide to Successful Family Living, Blackburn:
Dove Communications, 1985, p.41. [235]

Individual children need individual attention – quality time alone
with Mum or Dad. To meet this need, from about eight or nine, plan a
weekend away with each child each year. Alternate which parent goes with
each child, to foster good communication with both parents.

As far as possible, allow your child to choose where you go and what
you do. Budget may demand that you sleep at a relative’s house, but
don’t hang aroung there. (I love to visit my relatives, but the goal of
this trip is to be alone with my daughter. Explaining your goal to
relatives should solve any misunderstanding.)

Kathy Bence, Turn off the TV: Let’s have fun instead, London:
Marshall Pickering, 1990, p.9. [103]

There are a number of dos and don’ts that are generally useful with
minor squabbles, in keeping the heated-up fight from turning into a
serious and hurtful one.

* Reinforce positive behaviour and discourage negative behaviour
seems like a pretty obvious thing to say, but when you realize that
negative behaviour is sometimes rewarded, as in, ‘I’ll give it to the
little lout so he’ll shut up,’ it bears repeating. If a kid feels
neglected, we reinforce bad behaviour by paying a lot more attention to
it than we normally do to the child when behaviour is neutral or
positive.

* Don’t use your mouth or your hands before your mind.

* Don’t jump into the middle of arguments that are heading towards
fisticuffs unless you are going to be able to smooth the rippled water.
Do be calm and evenhanded so that no one in a conflict feels wronged or
that you favour the other.

* Whenever possible, physically separate children who are heading
toward combat. Be firm, do not match violence with violence.

* If you are a part of the problem, remove yourself from the danger
zone.

* Do not demand justice summarily done, as in ‘Aren’t you going to
do something about your daughter? What kind of a mother are you anyway?’
or the loaded ‘Do you know what your son just did?’ Similarly, do not
bring up problems of discipline with a spouse the minute that person
appears on the scene after shopping, working, whatever. The same rule
applies at mealtimes.

* If a fight occurs more than once, look hard at it and figure out
the variables… You may find a way of preventing another occurrence.

* Be consistent in all of this. Be fair.

Dr Jeffrey and Dr Carol Rubin, When Families Fight, NY: William
Morrow & Co., 1989, pp.262-263. [284]

SSAADD stands for surrender, sarcasm, assumptions,
accusations, demands, and demeaning statements. All of these
communication errors lead to irrational interactions in the family
system. Here are examples of such statements:

SURRENDER: ‘That’s it. I give up. The house is
yours. Go to bed when you want to, do what you want do. I resign as a
parent.’

SARCASM: ‘Good. Good. Just go and come as you
please. We love to wake up in the middle of the night worrying about
you. It keeps us alert and reminds us to go to the bathroom.’

ASSUMPTIONS: ‘I’m not naming names, but someone who
shall be nameless probably is the one who put the rubber doorstop in the
dishwasher. Now we have a nice set of spoons all melted together in one
group. This will save us time setting the table. I can’t imagine who
could have done that, can you?’

ACCUSATIONS: ‘I know you did it. I saw it. You
walked right by and spilled it. You did it. Admit it. You did it. You
always are the one who shows no respect for the carpet in this room.’

DEMANDS: ‘Do it. Just do it. This is your father
talking now. Get up and go do it. Now. Move!’

DEMEANING STATEMENTS: ‘Nice going, Mr.
Kind-and-Gentle. The next time I’m upset with you, I’ll just act like
little old immature you and punch you like you punched your brother. You
are such a child. Really!’

These statements… show how irrational we can be when we live with
a group of people for a long time. They all show the generalizations,
magnifications, selectiveness, and absolutism… [which are at] the
central cores of family irrationality.

Paul E. Pearsall, The Power of the Family, NY: Doubleday, 1990.
p.104 [282]

A parent without a sense of humour is like a bricklayer without a
trowel: the job becomes impossible. What a relief that family life is so
funny that it’s hard not to laugh.

Angela Webber and Richard Glover, The P-Plate Parent, North Sydney,
N.S.W.: Allen and Unwin, 1992, p.5. [33]

Humor is the one saving grace for any family, for any conflict.
Comedian George Burns said, ‘Happiness is having a large, loving,
caring, close-knit family in another city.’ He was joking about the
persistent conflicts that are one and the same with a close and loving
family. If we are able to realize that our battles in the family stem
from our closeness and caring, we can sometimes make time to let humor
heal our wounds.

The Muller family told me that they have a rule that never fails
them. Whenever an argument or conflict starts, someone in the family
times the argument. The Muller family rule is that the family will find
something funny – a book, a videotape, an audiotape or record album – to
listen to or view together that is equal in length of time to the time
spent fighting.

‘This hasn’t always been easy,’ said Mr. Muller. ‘We really have to
search for something funny, because sometimes we fight a lot. We have
found, though, that we have our favorites that we never seem to get
tired of. We love to watch a Bill Cosby tape or listen to one of his
albums. They have a lot of family stuff on them, and we can laugh at
them a thousand times.’ Laughter is the first and best of the three ways
to shed tears. Cutting onions and crying can’t compete with communal
laughter. I suggest you get the family together for a group intestinal
jog as soon as possible.

Paul E. Pearsall, The Power of the Family, NY: Doubleday, 1990.
p.102. [253]

Learn to listen. Listening is a skill that we can we can improve
with a little effort and the rewards can be substantial.

Golden rule of listening is looking. In order to hear well we need
to see the person, so sit or stand facing the person you are talking to,
so that you can pick up all the non-verbal messages. It is surprising
how much you miss when you have your back turned.

Give the other person time to express themselves in their own way.

A conversation doesn’t have to be a grammar lesson. There is nothing
more disconcerting than having a train of thought interrupted by ‘I do
wish you’d stop saying ‘aint”.

The good listener helps the talker to keep focus on the subject, by
not distracting with their own anecdotes.

Give each person time by offering your individual attention or if
it’s not convenient to talk because you are bathing the baby or getting
the dinner, say so, and make a time as soon as possible. Don’t be faced
with the teenager who says despondently, ‘Oh, it doesn’t matter any
more, it wasn’t important’ (then the moment has been lost).

Practise talking about the issues of the day over meals. Turn the TV
off at meal times.

Have everyone sit around the table to eat. This is the best setting
for developing and improving our communication skills.

Encourage people to speak one at a time. ‘You can have your turn in
a moment.’

Discourage interruptions. ‘I can’t listen to you all at the same
time!’

Head off too much ridicule or putting down of one person’s
contribution. The odd joke or sarcasm may be fun, but it can inhibit the
shy and inarticulate.

Try and develop a relaxed atmosphere for meals so that it is not a
constant setting for nagging about eating habits or table manners. You
may have to give up on ‘I could never take you lot out to eat anywhere’
in favour of ‘I can never get a word in edgeways’.

Terry Colling and Janet Vickers, Teenager: A Guide to Understanding
Them, Moorebank NSW: Bantam Books, 1988, p.24. [340]

The Telephone

I have just hung up; why did he telephone?
I don’t know… Oh! I
get it…
I talked a lot and listened very little.

Forgive me, Lord, it was a monologue and not a dialogue.
I
explained my idea and did not get his;
Since I didn’t listen, I
learned nothing,
Since I didn’t listen, I didn’t help,
Since I
didn’t listen, we didn’t communicate.

Forgive me, Lord, for we were connected,
and now we are cut off.

[Michel Quoist, Prayers of Life, Dublin: Gill and Son, 1963, p. 15

Lord,
save me from having endless debates about who is right as
though my very existence depended on my being right. Rather, give me the
security to admit my errors or ignorance – even, sometimes, to my
children. And if my children find it hard to admit a mistake even when
the evidence is overwhelming give me wisdom about figuring out the
cause: somehow the child has not felt safe being wrong.

Lord,
in our family, or community, may we find it O.K. to say
‘sorry’ especially at the end of the day. Let’s never go to bed without
facing up to the pain, or hurt of any conflict.

Teach me that saying ‘sorry’ is not admitting defeat or even
assuming responsibility or excusing another’s behaviour; rather, it
gives the assurance that we are still family; we still care for one
another deeply.

So may our family-life be enriched by hearing sometimes
‘I was
wrong.’
‘I am sorry.’
‘I love you.’

Amen.

A Benediction

May God who communicated his desire for our friendship in our
creation, and who tells us of his care in every sunrise and every good
gift he gives us, and who came among us in the ultimate communication,
Jesus of Nazareth, empower you to communicate in love to those with whom
you live. Amen.

CAPSULE 14: SUGGESTIONS FOR HAVING FUN

Take a daily walk with your children.
Read a story to them.
Take them to the market with you.
Hold a gourmet dinner party for your kids and their friends.
Designate a week with no television and a different
activity each night.
Pick wild berries.
Crack and hull nuts for cooking.
Color in their coloring books with them.
Make your own miniature golf course inside your house.
Rake leaves and then jump into them.
Roast marshmallows.
Carve pumpkins.
Go out to an entertaining pizza restaurant.
Pay a surprise visit to family friends together.
If you are going on a trip, bring a gift for the kids to
open every one hundred miles.
Learn some card tricks together.
Ask the kids what they’d like to do, then do it.
Blow bubbles.
Try to find the shapes of objects or animals within the
clouds.
Watch cartoons together.
Ask ‘What if’ questions.
Make different costumes at home or dress up in old clothes.
Teach them a new game.
Sit by them when they’re sick.
Help them with the homework.
Read the funnies together.
Just sit and talk about school or events in the
neighbourhood.

Suggested by Carl Dreizler, 52 Ways to have Fun with Your
Child, Nashville: Oliver Nelson Books, 1991, pp.139-140.
[195]

Books to read aloud

Adams, Richard, Watership Down, Penguin, 1972
Alcott, Louisa
May, Little Men, Penguin, 1983
Barrie, J.M., Peter Pan, Collins,
1988
Baum, L. Frank, The Wizard of Oz, Penguin, 1985
Blyton,
Enid, Fire on Treasure Island, Hodder, 1974 (and other books by the same
author)
Bond, Michael, A Bear Called Paddington, Collins, 1958 (and
several sequels)
Burnett, Francis Hodgson, Little Lord Fauntleroy,
J.M. Dent and Sons, 1962
The Childrens Bible, Hamlyn, 1964
Corbett, W.J., The Song of Pentecost, Methuen, 1982
Curtis, Philip,
The Complete Borrowers Stories, Penguin, 1983
Dicks, Terrence, T.R.
Afloat, Picadilly, 1986 (one of a series of T.R. Bear books)
Grahame, Kenneth, The Wind in the Willows, Methuen, 1959
A
Kaleidoscope of Fairies and Fables, (Stories of Hans Christian Anderson,
Aesop, Kipling, and The Brothers Grimm), Hamlyn, 1988
Keene,
Carolyn, The Secret of Mirror Bay, Collins, 1972 (One of a series of
Nancy Drew childrens mysteries)
Kipling, Rudyard, The Jungle Book,
MacMillan, 1983
Lewis, C.S., The Chronicles of Narnia, (a series of
seven books), Collins, 1953
Manning-Sanders, Ruth, ed., Folk and
Fairy Tales, Methuen, 1978
Milne, A.A., Now We are Six, Methuen,
1987
Patterson, Aileen, Maisie Goes to Glasgow, (one of a series of
Maisie the cat books), Three Hill Books, 1988
Potter, Beatrix, The
Tale of Flopsy Bunnies, Frederick Warne, 1987 (and many other
titles)
Powers, Mala, Follow the Star, Hodder, 1980
Sewell,
Anna, Black Beauty, Penguin, 1954
Stevenson, Robert L., Treasure
Island, Canongate, 1988
Tolkein, J.R.R., The Hobbit, Unwin, 1951
Utley, Alison, Little Grey Rabbit’s Party, Collins, 1983 (and other
titles.)
White, E.B., Charlotte’s Web, Penguin, 1963
White,
T.H., The Sword in the Stone, Collins, 1938
Wilder, Laura Ingalls,
The Little House on the Prairie, Penguin, 1964 (and sequels)
Wyss,
J.D., Swiss Family Robinson, Penguin, 1986.

Suggested by Kathy Bence, Turn Off the TV: Let’s have fun instead!,
London: Marshall Pickering, 1990