Dear Norman,

I suppose this letter is more for Ann, but also for you concerning
the article she just wrote for the newsletter.

I’m 24 and never married. I’ve actually ended three engagements
because I wasn’t sure the other person was the one with whom I could be
in love my entire life. What I’m writing about is the example she used
of the couple who had problems after 20 years of marriage, they have
fixed their problems and Ann says of their relationship..

"They have been married a long time and their relationship
appears to be stable. Not a word about being in love with each other or
having come out stronger for working out their problems "

I understand the end of the honeymoon phase being over and the
vigilance required to keep from taking each other for granted, but is it
supposed to end up with the most being said that the marriage is stable?
Have I been wanting too much? Is this why I’m not married? I thought I
was doing the smart thing. I’ve been reading books by Christian authors
on marriage, read with great interest and agreement your series on
headship in the household and pray daily for a good marriage, a good
man, and to be the right Christian woman to make my marriage work and be
an inspiration to our children and to others. Have I been wanting too
much? This is my question.

Response

Have I been wanting too much in a marriage relationship? That is a
good question to ask. In answering the question, I had to go back many
years to when I was dating and looking for a Christian mate to spend my
life with and father my children. I broke five engagements while trying
to find the one person to which I could commit to share the rest of my
life. It is a very difficult decision. The young lady who wrote the
above note is very wise. She has high expectations and goals for a
relationship. The seriousness of the matter has sent her to books and
other reading materials for guidance. She has goals and commitment to
making her marriage the best that she can and to insure a happy future.
She is to be praised and commended. I was twenty-four when I married.
Our daughter was thirty. It doesn’t matter at what age we marry. It is
important who we marry and how prepared we are to take that step on our
journey of life.

She questioned the statement I made about the couple that worked
through their marriage problems after being married twenty years. The
fact that I said their marriage was stable and didn’t mention that they
were still in love was of concern. I apologize for taking so long to
reply to her question. Perhaps some insight can be gained from a lesson
we presented to our young married couple’s class this past Sunday. The
title was "Love is Something That We Do." I will attempt to
address her concerns with some of the statements from that class.

Many people confuse loving with "being in love." J. Allen
Peterson describes the "being in love" experience in this way.
"Most people get married believing a myth – that marriage is a
beautiful box full of all the things that they longed for –
companionship, sexual fulfillment, intimacy, friendship. The truth is
that marriage, at the start is an empty box. You must put something in
before you can take anything out. There is no love in marriage, love is
in people. There is no romance in marriage. People have to infuse it
in their marriages. A couple must learn the art and form the habit of
giving, loving, serving, praising – keeping the box full. If you take
out more than you put in, the box will be empty." The things that
we do creates love. Our spouse may say I love you every day for years,
but if that affection is not shown by actions, we soon begin to doubt if
it is real love. The old adage of "actions speak louder than
words" might come into play here. W.E. Vine puts it in these
words. "Love. . . can only be known by the actions it
prompts." Love involves seeking the best interests of the one you
love (Ephesians 5:28).

Love also takes constant effort. Hebrews 13:1 tells us that
"love means that you ‘keep on loving one another.’" Dave
Grant defined love as "The commitment of my will to meet your needs
and best interests regardless of how I feel." (The Ultimate Power,
p..118) " . . . Little of life is passed in moments of intensity,
important as they are. The best relationships are built up, like a fine
lacquer finish with the accumulated layers of many acts of
kindness." – William Loy McGinnis. The Friendship Factor. p. 51.

Love involves sacrifice from both partners (Ephesians 4:1).
According to Erich Fromm ". . . the active character of love can
be described by stating that love is primarily giving not
receiving."

Last, but not least, love needs forbearance (Ephesians 4:2)
"Answering the call to love demands much courage and determination
because self-exposure always involves the risk of being seriously
hurt." John Powell. The Secret of Staying in Love. p. 66.

The couple that I said had a very stable marriage did many things to
show they loved each other. They had a good marriage because they
learned that the marriage relationship is built on commitment, both to
God and each other. There will be times that you don’t feel like you
"love" your mate because the "feelings" are gone.
But the commitment you make will keep you in the relationship until the
"feeling" returns. Think about the old saying that "you
act your way into a feeling, you don’t feel your way into an
action." That was what this couple decided to do. Now they are
retired and traveling the country together, very happy and satisfied in
their relationship. And yes, I guess I would add they are in love with
each other. They still have their differences but they have chosen to
work to resolve them. H. Norman Wright says that the real question in
marriage is not whether there will be experiences of dissatisfaction,
but how well you work together to resolve them. I used the word
"stable" to describe their relationship because there are so
many marriages today that are "unstable." With that in mind,
stability seemed a good thing to me. I feel that if a marriage is stable
and the couple seeks to work through periods of dissatisfaction, people
will know by their actions that they truly love each other. Isn’t that
what the word of God teaches us? John 13:34-35 "A new command I
give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one
another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you
love one another."

Ann Bales