All About Families Newsletter
Volume 3 Number 28
August 5,
1998
Norman Bales, editor

Contents

0. JUST VISITING
1. FEATURE ARTICLE: "Scary Marriages Among Church People"
2. GUEST ARTICLE: "I Have A Girlfriend And My Wife Knows"
   By Eddie Randolph, D. Min.

Just Visiting

Life isn’t always predictable. The day before I sat down to put
this week’s newsletter together I sat out with a plan. Ann’s sister is
undergoing surgery today (August 5) and she wanted to spend a few days
with her. We drove to her sister’s home on Monday. I had planned to
leave early the next day, so I that I could get back in the office and
take care of some of my duties, such as composing the newsletter. I
did not count on having car trouble. After a great deal frustration and
considerable expense, I’m finally back in my office doing what I planned
to do, but not at the time I had planned to do it. A part of family
living is learning to cope with unplanned interruptions. Perhaps we’ll
write something on that in the future. How well do you function when
all of your carefully laid plans are set aside by circumstances? It
might give you some insights into the stability of your family
relationships.

For some time the message board on our Website has been down. We
understand that it is operating again. If you would like to go there
and interact with others about issues that affect family, you can go to
our web site http://www.allaboutfamilies.org and click on "Message
Board" to find this feature.

Our guest article is written by Dr. Eddie Randolph of Columbia,
Missouri. Eddie was my co-worker at Southern Hills until just a week
and a half ago. He is a highly respected friend, a top notch scholar,
a witty person and a helpful colleague. He has accepted a pulpit in
Columbia at a congregation near the University of Missouri. Eddie
writes about a very special relationship with his daugther, Anna.
Recently Ann and I attended a Shreveport Symphony concert. On our way to
our seats, we passed by Eddie and Anna. There is still hope for
culture when you can see a thirty something father and his daughter in
attendance at the symphony. It was obviously a dress up occasion for
both of them. They were on one of their "dates." But I’ll
let Eddie tell you about that. As I read his article, I recalled some
special times with "my favorite daughter." (We have three
boys and one daughter). I think he lays out an important challenge for
fathers. Eddie left behind several family related articles. We hope to
share them with you in the future.

Scary Marriages Among Church Going People

By Norman Bales

Recently, I received a query from a reader who wrote, "In our
church the married people appear so scary, imbalanced and dysfunctional
most of the time." She asks me to comment. Having been around
church going folk all my life, I would have to agree that some of the
married people are indeed "scary, imbalanced and
dysfunctional." I might disagree with her about the percentages,
but I also will admit that I am so anxious to believe good things about
the folks I assemble with on a regular basis that I might be guilty of
looking past their shortcomings.

If you read the previous paragraph carefully, you will notice that I
did not use the word "Christian." I spoke of "church
going folk" and "the folks I assemble with." The
people I described may be Christians, but it is also possible that they
are not. Only God knows for sure. A friend of mine used to say,
"Sitting in a church house doesn’t make you a Christian any more
than sitting in a hen house makes you a chicken."

It’s possible that those "scary married people" aren’t
Christians at all. The Bible does have some things to say about the
fruit of the Spirit. "The fruit if the Spirit is love, joy,
peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self
control" (Galatians 5:22-23). You would expect to find some
degree of those qualities in a husband and wife if they are genuine
Christians. Occasionally, I hear someone say, "I know a certain
married couple. Both of them are deeply devoted to God, but they can’t
stand each other." I’m afraid I don’t buy that rationale.
According to 1 John 4:20-21, "If anyone says ‘I love God,’ yet
hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his
brother whom he has seen, cannot love God whom he has not seen."
John was talking about church relationships but surely the principle
applies to husbands and wives.

I don’t know any of those people about whom the questioner writes,
but I recognize the possibility that some may genuinely qualify as
Christians who haven’t grown in grace and knowledge the way they should
have. Christians differ from each other in terms of maturity and
spiritual development. Patience needs to be expressed toward those who
are still on the upward climb.

Some people fail to recognize the fact that religious activity
doesn’t cancel out the need for relationship improvement. Reading the
Bible, saying prayers, attending church and being involved in church
ministry are all admirable activities, but you can do all those things
and have a horrible marriage if you don’t make relationships a priority.
If you are truly submitted to Christ, you will be submitted to each
other and that includes both husband and wife. No one is bypassed in
Ephesians 5:21 "Submit to one another out of reverence to
Christ." Christ-like people don’t go to war over who has to
submit.

Whether we are defining roles, resolving conflict or struggling with
our sense of identity, God calls on us to recognize one fundamental
truth. We show our love for him in the way we treat each other.

I Have A Girlfriend And My Wife Knows

by Eddie Randolph, D. Min.
<>

I have a girlfriend and my wife knows. Really, she does. My
girlfriend and I go out on dates just so we can spend some time
together. Let me tell you about her. She is tall, slim, and blond. Her
big blue eyes are only matched in beauty by her bright smile. On top of
all, she is incredibly bright and … she’s my daughter.

Since she was about three, Ana and I have gone out on dates.
Sometimes it’s just a movie. Sometimes it’s just dinner. Sometimes it’s
both. Sometimes we dress up (that’s always a head turner at the
restaurant). Sometimes we dress down. She even still lets me carry her
down the mall like a mermaid. Of course, I am required to open the
doors for her, seat her at the dinner table, and mind my manners.

Now that my wife and I have three young ones, dating is practiced
with the whole lot of them. I have dates with my sons, too. These
times are just as wonderful and personal, but take on unique, very
"boy" features! My wife gets into the act, too, with her
special dates with the kids.

This has become a special activity in our family. It allows us as
parents to talk, play, and simply get to know each of our children as
individuals. They can tell their stories without being interrupted by
siblings demanding equal time and equal attention simultaneously. It
works and is simply a matter of taking the time.

George Barna states that time is the "money" in our
society. "Time," Barna says, "is the one resource which
we cannot manufacture. It is a non-renewable resource which limits our
ability to experience all we can." ¹ With all the commitments and
responsibilities crying for our time, priorities have to be set,
especially with something as valuable as one’s family. To paraphrase
Jesus, "For what is a man profited, if he shall gain the whole
world, and lose his own family?" Make some memories. Spend some
time. You won’t regret it.

¹ George Barna, The Frog in the Kettle (Ventura, CA: Regal, 1990),
39.

If you have questions about marriage and family relationships, you
can "ASK THE COUNSELOR." Address your questions to Mikal
Frazier. Her address is <>

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Southern Hills Church of Christ
Shreveport, Louisiana
E-mail:
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Web: http://www.allaboutfamilies.org