RIDGECREST, N.C. (BP)–Married couples can communicate at fivehierarchical levels, and one of them is not screaming, a husband/wifeleadership team said during a Fall Festival of Marriage at Ridgecrest(N.C.) Conference Center.

"The more often the husband and wife can reach and remain atthe higher level of communication, the more satisfying theirmarriage," said Deborah Brock. who with her husband, Greg, led aconference on "Communication for Dummies and Us Married Folks"during the Oct. 9-11 marriage retreat.

The Brocks, who live and work in Charleston, S.C., said theirinformation about communication levels came from Gary Smalley, speaker,lecturer and author of "Making Love Last Forever."

The five communication levels, in order of least to most difficult,are:

1. Sharing general information.

2. Sharing facts.

3. Sharing opinion and beliefs.

4. Sharing feelings and emotions.

5. Sharing needs, intimate concerns, hopes and fears.

At level one, spouses talk to each other just as they would talk toa new acquaintance or someone in a grocery line, the couple said.

"It’s the conversation they would have on the first fewdates," Deborah Brock said.

At level two, a couple shares facts.

"Sometimes in our marriages we get caught up in operating atlevel one or level two," said Greg Brock, minister to small groupsat Remount Baptist Church in Charleston.

"Communicating on level one is not wrong necessarily,"Deborah Brock said. "I call it survival information; it’s importantto know what each other is doing on a daily basis. But essentially, itis a pretty safe level of communication."

The third level of communication, the Brocks said, can become a bitmore confrontational.

"This is where you share opinions, ideas and beliefs and whereyou can get more confrontational or more vulnerable duringconversation," said Deborah Brock, who teaches medical technologyat Trident Technical College in Charleston.

In level three conversation, couples can begin to learn about eachother through deeper discussion. "You can’t have a marriage withouttalking about your differences," she said.

Level four is where conversation gets "a little scary,"the Brocks agreed.

"As we move to this level it is important to realize ourfeelings and emotions are our own," Deborah Brock said. "As wework on this level as couples, we should be careful not to try to changeeach other’s feelings and emotions or criticize."

This type of conversation helps bring feelings to the surface, shesaid.

The Brocks provided practice questions for couples to exercise levelfour communication, including:

1. I feel week when … .

2. I have feelings of pure pleasure when … .

3. When you express your love to me, I feel … .

4. How are you feeling right now?

Level five communication where needs, intimate concerns, dreams,hopes and fears are shared is "some heavy duty stuff," GregBrock said.

"If we don’t go to that level and say, ‘This is what I needfrom you,’ then we don’t find out what we need and we aren’tcommunicating well enough," Deborah Brock said. "It’s scary toshare our fears because we have to let our guard down to do it."

Level five conversation, while the most desired level to reach, isnot always appropriate.

"Don’t do it at the dinner table with your 10-year-old. It’sbetter with just the two of you," she said. "Sometimes youhave to plan time for level five communication."

A recent study said couples should spend 15 hours a week inconversation, Greg said. "That’s two hours and eight minutes a day.

"The most important step to take regarding communication is to’Just do it.’"

To help couples reach higher levels of talk, the Brocks suggested anumber of communications topics:

1. If you could keep just one memory, which one would you keep? Why?

2. What have been the five most important milestones we’ve passedtogether? Why was each so important to you?

3. Which two or three problems, if solved, would make the mostpositive difference in the marriage?

4. What three things do you feel produce the most stress in themarriage? What can be done to overcome them?

5. What dreams have been discarded because no one encouraged you to"go for it," or because you feared you would fail?

6. In what single area do you most want to grow personally in thenext year? How can I (spouse) help you?

7. If our house caught on fire and everyone was safely out, whatthree things would you want to save? Why?

8. What do you want your life to be like at age 70 (90)? What do youwant our life together to be like at that time? What steps should wetake to get there?

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