by Marjorie Lee Chandler author of After Your Child
Divorces (Zondervan, 1997), and contributor to A Mother’s
Touch, (Zondervan, 1998).

Jane Nelsen came to our town. We’re a small foothill community, so
a national leader in parenting education speaking at the high school
auditorium was a "big time" draw. Nelsen, a Ph.D., has written
10 books on parenting. But she said her best credential was raising
seven children and becoming a grandmother to 16. The lady had both
professional and practical knowledge and her audience wasn’t
disappointed.

This mother and grandmother is in touch with the tough job of
parenting. "If you have a child who doesn’t cause you problems,
you better see a psychologist," she quipped. She called parenting
"the most important job in the world." [Family Matters readers
might contrast that comment with last week’s review of Judith Harris’
it-makes-no-difference attitude toward parental input.] "Learning
a few practical tools," said Nelsen, "can make all the
difference between creating distance and hostility or closeness and
trust."

Nelsen’s down-to-earth advice was so sound that I want to share
some of the points listed in a sidebar printed in The Union Democrat
(Sonora, California) the next day, September 17:

* Stop telling; start asking. Cool off. Ask children
questions about what happened and what they think should happen next.
Be sincere. Listen to their answers.

* Give up on lectures. "Children aren’t listening,"
she said. "Is that news? If you’ve said something ‘a thousand
times,’ who’s the dummy?"

* Don’t do things for your children they can do themselves,
even if it is inconvenient. They need to feel capable, so take time to
show them how.

* Let children decide what to include in their routines —
morning, chores, and bedtime. Spell this out in writing or pictures and
stick to it.

* Hold once-a-week meetings (without fail) to talk about
problems. Brainstorm, and choose better solutions.

* Less is more. Say something once, mean it and follow
through. For example, Nelsen suggested stopping the car and reading
when sibling passengers are squabbling. [Of course, the pre-stated
axiom is "No fighting in the car. I’ll pull over until you
stop."] "Don’t say a word," she maintains, just read.
When they are quiet, drive on. If the fighting resumes, repeat the
routine. "You’ll only have to do this three times," she
predicted, before fighting in the car is nipped in the bud.

Nelsen observed that no tool regarding parenting for the long
haul will work all of the time. But, from her experience and training,
she believes that a positive approach that shows children they are
significant and loved will bring many rewards. This, it seems to me, is
parenting with dignity and respect.

Note: What are some of your best parenting tips? If you’d
like to pass on an idea or process that has worked well for you over
time, email: