Grandparenting Is A Very Special Ministry!

The Lord bless you from Zion. May you see the prosperity of Jerusalem
all the days of your life. May you see your children’s children. Peace
be upon Israel! (Psalm 128:4-6) I am reminded of your sincere faith, a
faith that lived first in your grandmother Lois and your mother Eunice
and now, I am sure, lives in you. (2 Timothy 1:5). Grandchildren are the
crown of the aged, and the glory of children is their parents. (Proverbs
17:6) Tell the older men to be temperate, serious, prudent, and sound in
faith, in love and in endurance. Likewise, tell the older women to be
reverent in behavior, not to be slanderers or slaves to drink; they are
to teach what is good, so that they may encourage the young women to
love their husbands, to love their children, to be self-controlled,
chaste, good managers of the household, kind, being submissive to their
husbands, so that the word of God may not be discredited. (Titus 2:2-5)

Yesterday Jan and I took our youngest Grandson, Will (aged 3) to his toddler
group. He was shy, (and not 100% after a recent bout of asthma) but we both
encouraged him gently. Later we went to McDonald’s (he’s only allowed to a
junk-food place once a week). After a few fries he said ‘I’m happy now!’ It made
our day!

In New York I was being given a guided tour of the black ghetto-suburb of
Harlem by a local Presbyterian minister. He told me the kids never say ‘Our
Father’ in the Lord’s Prayer: most fathers were alcoholic and/or cruel or absent.
The person who most represented God to them was grandmother…

I know two high-profile brothers, who have different political orientations.
When I asked one of them how this came to be he said, ‘We related to different
grandparents.’ How many of you know someone who said they were ‘closer’ to their
grandparents than their parents? I found this somewhere on the Web: ‘The
Grandma’s house of our youth was usually a curious mix of sights, smells and
impressions that assaulted the senses with such impact that many of them have
been permanently imprinted on our lives. A mere whiff of an oatmeal raisin cookie
fresh from the oven or seeing a toddler being comforted with gentle words by an
older man, can spark a warm, peaceful trip back in time to a place where life was
simple and love was truly free.’

I’m in pastoral ministry partly through the influence of one of my
grandmothers who passionately loved God and the Bible: I was deeply impressed by
her faith.

Jan and I have four gorgeous grandchildren – Abbie, Coralie, Jay, and Will,
aged 16, 14, 7 and three. Their photos are prominently displayed in our home, and
we have a ‘brag book’ folder of drawings and other precious things about each of
them. We try to see them regularly, and we love taking home-baked chocolate-chip
cookies and other surprises or gifts to them. We pray for them all, and try our
best to model Christian faith and life for them. Most weeks we play cricket with
our two grandsons (and some of their friends). They both love us reading stories
to them…

When Abbie and Coralie were younger they used to bring their parents for
dinner, and afterwards (or earlier in winter) we played our version of cricket
together. Before our meal we had a little ritual, singing the ‘Johnny Appleseed’
song. (‘Oh, the Lord is good to me/ And so I thank the Lord / For giving me the
things I need / The Sun and the rain and the appleseed; /The Lord is good to me,
Johnny Appleseed, Amen.’) They loved it! Tonight, as I type this, Abbie and
Coralie are sleeping in our spare room while their parents have a night out
together. It’s a delight and a privilege to have them visit us…

In traditional societies older people – who may have the status of
‘patriarchs’ or ‘matriarchs’ – are respected partly because they are repositories
of the wisdom of the group.

But in Western cultures this is not so, entirely. As anthropologist Margaret
Mead used to say, older people are now strangers in the world of the young, and
while seniors ought to be respected and honoured, they do not necessarily have
all the know-how needed in a world that has changed dramatically since their day.
Today grandparents are invited to give support rather than knowledge to their
married children. Sometimes older people presume they can offer advice about all
sorts of complicated modern problems, and may become a nuisance. The best thing
we can give our grandchildren is friendship. In previous generations grandparents
usually lived with their married children’s families; they helped wipe runny
noses, change diapers/nappies, cook and clean – and therefore earned the right to
participate more directly in advice-giving.

But these days many grandparents won’t settle for a baby-sitting role in
exchange for a small room in the house: some of them won’t baby-sit at all. It’s
a pity that today’s grandparents live further away than previously, so there may
often be less contact with their grandchildren. However, we have telephones and
cars. (And remember, grandparents often died in the past before many children
ever knew them.)

Grandchildren all over the world love to hear about how it was long ago when
we were young. ‘What did you do when you didn’t have TV grandpa?’ and you tell
them of games in the street (cars were rare, and it was interesting to stop the
game to watch the car go by) – games the kids still play like ‘hide ‘n seek’ and
‘chasings’. It is important to widen our grandchildren’s view of reality to
encompass a past, and for them to experience the continuity of generations of
loved ones who also enjoyed adventures, had fun, and also had problems. It is a
sheer joy to share in the beginning of their long journey, and be near enough to
them to observe it.

The best thing we can do for our married children is simply to ‘be there’.
They should know without any doubt that we are always available and, no matter
what disasters may occur, they are not alone. Support, encouragement, a roof and
food are always available to them. And while it’s common for grandparents to say
they enjoy both having the grandchildren and handing them back to their parents,
let us not underestimate the powerful effects our company and our love have on
those children.

Be interested in the special issues for kids these days. For example, you can
help educate (not interrogate!) them about the harmful effects of drugs (though
make sure your lives are addiction-free as well!). Has your grandchild: Become
hostile or uncooperative? Become withdrawn and depressed? Suddenly dropped old
friends? Become careless about his or her appearance? Lost interest in
favorite hobbies or sports? Is your grandchild: Suddenly doing poorly in school?
Skipping classes? Experiencing unexplained bursts of energy? Experiencing a
severe weight loss? Experiencing a change in eating or sleeping patterns?
Unresponsive or aggressive with family members? Does your grandchild seem:
Constantly tired? Restless? Excessively talkative? Irrational? Drunk or spacey?

We grandparents communicate to our loved ones that growing older is OK Above
all, Christian grandparents model for their grandchildren how to live lives of
faith, hope and love.

A grandad had a habit of grumbling at the food his wife placed before him at
family meals. Then he would ask the blessing. One day after his usual
combination complaint-prayer, his little grand-daughter asked, “Grandad, does God
hear us when we pray?”

“Why, of course,” he replied. “He hears us every time we pray.”

She on this a moment, and asked, “Does he hear everything we say the rest of
the time?”

“Yes, dear, every word,” he replied, encouraged that he had inspired his
daughter to be curious about spiritual matters. However, his pride was quickly
turned to humility…

“Then which does God believe?”

Grandparents hopefully provide models of consistency, stability and security
in a world of rapid change and bewildering complexities: including, hopefully,
the security of believing that a good marriage can last a long time and only be
interrupted by death.

Grandparenting Tips

1. When the Grandchildren Visit.

Here are some time-and-kid-tested fun and nearly free possibilities suggested
by Eva Shaw, in her book For the Love of Children. Your only “rule” is that kids
do the work and you participate, not as a grandparent, however, but as one of the
kids. (Of course you’ll need to keep a watchful eye on the little ones.) Not only
will you be encouraging creativity, you’ll be making memories.

1. Go on a nature scavenger hunt (or nature sighting) in the backyard, the
park or seashore. With list in hand (which you’ll need to make challenging enough
for each child), seek out animal paw prints in the dirt, a pine cone, a pink
pebble, or an acorn.

2. Take a walk in a new part of town. Stop in a park for lunch or a snack.

3. Make mud pies and decorate them with expendable twigs, flowers and leaves.

4. Plant a garden, even if you’re using pots on the window sill.

5. Clone each other. (You might want to call this “making paper angels.) Tape
sheets of newspaper (or paper from a large art pad) and make the length of each
child. Have each child lie down on the paper (the kitchen floor will work best)
and using a washable marker, trace the child’s outline. Cut out the “angel” and
then using newsprint color and design faces, clothing and jewelry that is then
taped to the angel. If you like, include those angel wings, too. Tape the
finished art to the wall. Everyone will be amazed at their “real” size.

6. Place kitchen chairs in a line and create a train. Go for a magical ride.

7. Look over old photo albums and talk about when Nana, Pops, Mommy or Daddy
were just married or the kids were babies. Share stories of “back then.” Have the
kids share their oldest memories.

8. Collect all the “junk” jewelry you can find in your jewelry box or acquire
more from garage sales (discarding those things with sharp edges, points or small
parts). Put on the jewelry and tell tales of brave women and men, all with
enchanted abilities, of course.

9. Get out blankets and make a tent over kitchen chairs. Eat lunch or a snack
inside. This is especially fun at night when you can turn off the lights and take
flash lights inside.

10. Cook or try an ethnic food. Talk about it’s history and the culture from
which it comes.

11. Learn a bit of sign language and talk with your hands. Boys and girls
love to know “secret” hand signals. Your library has books for adults and
children on Sign Language.

12. Learn some foreign phrases.

13. Get a simple book on astronomy and study the stars. The skies are alive
with magic heroes and mythical creatures.

14. Re-tell a favorite book or story with a child as the main character.

15. Ask about children/parent volunteer possibilities in your community.
Participate in an activity that is age appropriate for your grandchild/children.

16. Have a tea party. Make tiny sandwiches (peanut butter and jam works,
cucumber does too). Be sure to remove the crusts, get out the china and serve
“tea” (juice, hot chocolate and hot apple cider are perfect substitutes). Make
sure the table includes flowers and special napkins. When everything is ready,
change into dress up clothes or tea party costumes; old hats with ribbons tied on
the brim increase the fun. Pretend you’re all at a fancy tea party.

17. Pretend to be a tourist and visit the cultural or notable places in your
town. Ask your librarian for a book on the area before hand so you and the
grandkids can “study up.”

18. Lying on a blanket or the grass, look up at the clouds. Tell stories
about the clouds.

19. Take a long car ride with no expectations or particular destinations. Do
it at sunrise, twilight or at night. Swap stories, jokes and secrets. Listen to
music.

20. Be sure to share with your grandkids the free-and-fun activities that
your parents and grandparents shared with you.

Preparation is the key to successful visits. Young children do best when
their regular routine is not interrupted, and they don’t get overstimulated or
overtired. Don’t impose your ideas on your visitors. Offer suggestions, but let
them decide what they want to do. If you have tickets for an event, let them know
in advance. It’s something special for them to look forward to and will help them
plan. Remain flexible, and allow time for just hanging out. That is often the
most enjoyable time and provides the best quality interaction. These tips will
help you enjoy your family’s visits.

Prepare Your House: Take a tour of your house from the point of view of the
ages of your visitors to determine what needs to be put away. Childproof your
house by putting away breakables. Even older children running through the house
can bump into things, so put special things in safe places. Keep pills and
poisons, including cleaning products, out of reach. Put safety covers on
electrical outlets for babies and toddlers. Eliminate dangling electric cords.
Use folding gates if necessary to define safe space and to protect from potential
hazards such as stairs. Comb the house for small items that a child could
swallow, such as coins or paper clips or toys with small pieces. Have on hand
first-aid materials and simple medications such as baby aspirin, band-aids,
antibacterial salve, thermometer, antidiarrhea preparations, ice packs.

Again, be flexible: Plans get changed (planes get canceled, roads get
closed). Kids get sick. Your household will be disrupted, and so will you. Your
house will get messy. Kids sometimes don’t sit still through dinner. Don’t
criticize your children’s parenting. Decide to have fun!

2. Helping Grandchildren During Divorce

Fifty years ago children mostly lived with both parents until they left and
made a home for themselves. But today fewer than half of Western families are
composed of a mother, father and their children. At least half of all our
children have to adapt to two or more sets of parents – or, more often, with only
a single parent, usually the mother.

Grandparents grieve for their children and grandchildren. And even though we
might find it difficult to understanding the behavior/selfishness of our
children, we can do a lot to provide security – particularly in times of
dislocation and transition. It’s very reassuring for children to know there’s a
safe place for them from the tensions in their home.

How can grandparents help?

# Be there for your children/grandchildren to talk to; let them verbalize
their bewilderment about why their people sometimes can’t get along.

# Don’t take sides. However, if the child says she can’t cope when Mummy is
drunk or Daddy is cruel, you might have to say, ‘No. You should not have to live
with that…’

# Don’t preach/blame: they’re hurting, and your censure will increase the
pain.

# Help a child understand that grownups, like children, sometimes just can’t
get along with each other. Children understand how one can have a close friend
one day and not the next.

# Be aware that many younger children blame themselves for their parents’
troubles. Help them to understand that they are not responsible for the break-up
of their family – again, without apportioning blame/guilt if possible.

Footnote: Grandparents’ visitation rights are now often part of divorce
decrees.

Step-Grandparenting

The Aring Institute offers the following guidelines for stepgrandparents: Try
to educate yourself about step-families. Know each stepchild as an individual.
Give everybody time. Be sensitive to your stepchild’s change of status. Try to
have a special place for you stepgrandchild’s things at your home. Although you
may never love your stepgrandchild, you can at least respect him or her. Since
grandparenting styles and family customs cause conflict, be flexible about your
differences. Use humor and avoid quid pro quo (the old tit-for-tat routine). Seek
out a professional or a good friend with a clear head if you need to talk things
out. Do not be overly self-sacrificing; make sure you are yourself, too.

3. Long-Distance Grandparenting:

Today, grandparents, on average, live further away from their grandchildren
than at any time in history. How can you keep in touch? Some ideas:

1. Always remember their birthdays, and, in consultation with the parents,
send them something special.

2. Do memorable things with them (like using some frequent flyer points to
take one or two to a special place.

3. Phone them regularly: but particularly after a significant event when they
have something exciting to talk about.

4. Swap videotapes: they could send you videos of their events: you could
send greetings on birthdays and/or read stories on to video-tape in return.

5. Write letters or email them often. Include interesting newspaper and
magazine clippings, cartoons, etc. (Put lots of pretty stamps on the envelopes,
to develop an interest in stamp-collecting).

6. Make crafty things for them. Put together a scrap-book or family history.

7. Watch a television program together-even though you are in different
cities. For example, at Christmas, plan to watch a favorite holiday movie, e.g.
White Christmas, It’s a Wonderful Life, or The Christmas Carol. Share your
thoughts in letters or telephone calls.

8. Offer to be part of the ‘Adopt a Grandparent’ in your own area, in your
church’s playgroup program, etc.

9. Play games like checkers or chess by mail or email.

Rev. Norman and Ann Bales have a ministry encouraging marriages and families
on the Internet. Here’s their wisdom about grandparenting:

Spoiling Grandchildren Is A Good Thing

When David had pretty well secured his position as King of Israel, he began
to look around for descendants of Saul. Finally, he learned that Mephibosheth,
Saul’s grandson, son of his late friend Jonathan, was still alive. In 2 Samuel
9:7, he said to Mephibosheth, ‘I will show you kindness for the sake of your
father, Jonathan. I will restore all the land that belonged to your grandfather
Saul and you will always eat at my table.’ Saul wasn’t there to show kindness to
his grandson. David did it for him. Did David spoil him? I don’t know if you
could call it that, but the kindness he showed was a good thing.

I would suggest that we have no greater blessing as grandparents than the
opportunity to be sowers of the seeds of kindness. If we show kindness,
somebody’s going to say, ‘But you’re spoiling your grandchildren.’ I plead
guilty, but I’m also sympathetic to young parents. They guard their territory and
sometimes regard overindulgent grandparents as a threat to their program of
discipline. They don’t want interference from grandparents and we need to respect
that. One of their fears is that if the grandchildren spend too many days at
grandmas’ house, by the time they get back home they will have totally lost
control of their children.

From a grandparent’s perspective, we need to stop worrying about whether or
not we are going to spoil our grandchildren. We are. John Rosemond, in an
article, which appeared in Better Homes and Gardens in December 1996 said, ‘I’m
convinced it is as proper for grandparents to spoil their grandchildren as it is
completely improper for their parents to do so.’ He told his son and his sons’
wife, ‘It’s our job to always spoil our grandson; its your job never to spoil
him. We’ll have no problems if we don’t try to do one another’s job.’ Then he
goes on to describe how he handles that with the grandchildren. He says when the
grandchildren come, he tells them, ‘You’re taking a vacation from Mom and Dad’s
rules, but you have to understand that when the visit is over, the vacation is
over.’ We’re not talking about allowing the grandchildren to do anything that’s
immoral, ungodly, or potentially damaging. But staying up an extra hour past
one’s usual bedtime is probably not going to put a kid in the hospital.

We spent some time this past weekend with our step-grandson. At one point
during the visit, he asked to whisper a secret in my ear. The secret was actually
a request. He wanted me to buy a toy for him. When I announced that he and I
would be making a visit to the toy store, my daughter said, ‘Dad, he’s got more
toys than he knows what to do with.’ I echoed John Rosemond’s thoughts. ‘It’s my
job to spoil him; it’s your job not to.’

The other day Ann and I were talking about how we observed my father spoiling
our children. My youngest was 10 years old and Daddy let him drive his pickup. It
turned out to be a disaster, because Gary, being inexperienced, turned too wide.
Daddy grabbed the steering wheel and took out a wall on one side of his house. He
was a carpenter by trade, so it wasn’t too big a deal to fix it. He even laughed
about it. As parents, we didn’t laugh. Well, maybe we did but it wasn’t for a
long time after the event. I’ve tried to imagine what might have happened if I
had crashed into the side of the house with the family car during my adolescent
years. I wasn’t even allowed to drive even though I was old enough to get a
license. When I did get a license, my driving was monitored closely. When I
eventually had a wreck, I was made to feel only slightly better than a criminal
and I didn’t drive for a very long time. Yet the same man who wouldn’t trust me
behind the wheel of a car thought nothing of turning the operation of a vehicle
over to a child who couldn’t really see out the windshield. Such are the
inconsistencies when we make the jump from parenthood to grandparenthood.

When Donald and Bea Campbell wrote on the subject of grandparenting, they
said, ‘Perhaps the greatest gift we can offer our precious grandchildren is the
gift of time.’ I don’t see my grandchildren very often, but I do special things
with them when I do. I’m not a great fisherman. As a matter of fact, I haven’t
been fishing sense my grandchildren visited us last summer and I took them
fishing. But I take them fishing every time they come. They think I’m the world’s
greatest fisherman. I just about proved that last summer, when Audrey, now my
eleven-year-old granddaughter, landed a huge channel cat. She’s probably hooked
on fishing for a lifetime and it’s all because of her grandfather.

As a grandparent, one of my goals is to communicate my love for them.
Spoiling grandchildren within the limits of prudence is one way to accomplish
that.

[Reproduced with permission].

A Grandparent’s Prayer

Lord, I am getting older, but may I never believe I’m getting useless. I am
wiser through the learnings of the years, but may I never stop growing. I am
weaker and more frail, but may my spirit stay strong. Thank you for your
faithfulness during my whole life, for your comfort in times of difficulty, for
courage to face trials of all kinds, and for the gift of joy at all times. Lord,
I have many gifts to give – of friendship and love, encouragement and
instruction, solace and praise. Help me not to interfere in the lives of others
but to give these gifts with humility when the time is appropriate. Keep my
faith, hope and love strong, so that from the overflow of these rich spiritual
resources others may see the light and feel the life of your healing presence.
Through Jesus Christ my Lord. Amen.

RESOURCES:

Sylvie de Toledo and Deborah Edler Brown, From Grandparents as Parents, 1995,
Guilford Press.

Carol Abrams and Ferne Margulies, Grandparents & Grandchildren: Shared
Memories, 1998, General Publishing Group, Inc.

Rowland Croucher, The Family: At Home in a Heartless World, HarperCollins,
1995, chapter 20, ‘Grandparents Are Very Special People’.

Eva Shaw, Ph.D., For the Love of Children, 1998, Health Communications, Inc.
This book is a treasure trove of quotes, quips, and practical advice celebrating
children and the people who love them. Shaw’s book is easy to read, quotable,
uplifting, and fun.

Lillian Carson, The Essential Grandparent, 1996, Health Communications, Inc.

Sue Johnson and Julie Carlson, Grandloving: Making Memories with Your
Grandchildren, 1996, Fairview Press.

Suzette Haden Elgin, The Grandmother Principles, Abbeville Press.

Websites

Website for Seniors (some excellent articles on Grandparenting)
– http://www.dnai.com/~mags/index.html

Foundation for Grandparenting – http://www.grandparenting.org/misc.htm

In the U.S. special organizations like the following have sprung up. Are
there any in Australia?

Grandparents Rights Organization, 555 South Woodward Avenue, Ste. 600,
Birmingham, Michigan 48009, 810-646-7177. Basic membership is $35.

Lee and Lucile Sumpter, Grandparents’-Children’s Rights, Inc.; 517-339-8663.
They are happy to speak with grandparents having visitation problems.

DISCUSS:

# Tell each other about your experiences – positive or negative – with your
grandparents. How did these experiences help to shape your life?

# Swap ideas about spending quality time with grandchildren…

# What special problems/issues exist today which challenge us (educational,
media, drugs etc.) Exchange ideas and suggestions about each.

Rowland Croucher

February 1999.