Aus.religion and aus.religion.christian keeper-of-the-charter Andrew James
Bromage was married yesterday to Bonni Elizabeth Hall. It was a beautiful wedding
service, held in the chapel of Queens’ College Melbourne.

I had the privilege of being co-celebrant, and giving the address. Here ’tis.

Andrew and Bonni…

I’ve been conducting weddings for 35 years, and this is the first wedding
talk I’ve given to two people who met on the ‘net… (And who I met on the ‘net).

In 1994, the International Year Of The Family, I was commissioned by
Harpercollins to write a book about marriage and family. What did I learn in
that year, and in 16,000 hours of counseling, and in 39 years of marriage, that
can be summarized in three minutes 🙂 ?

First, having a partner, a mate, is a good idea. It’s God’s idea. The other
day I offered to take one of my clients to the catnap place: she was going away
and her cat was also to have a little holiday. I was sitting in the car waiting
for her to bring the cat out in a cage thing and she was an awfully long time, I
went in, and she was struggling to control an unwilling cat and shut this poorly
constructed cage. She needed another two hands. People who live alone are often
in that situation… Our creator has told us it’s not good to be alone. Today
you’re fixing that!

But you can’t be your partner’s therapist in the strict sense. You’ll never
satisfy all your partner’s needs. If you do an Altavista search you might find a
reference to a 1970’s sociologist called Elizabeth Bott and ‘social networks’.
She highlighted the extra stress thrown on to modern marriages with increasing
mobility – moving more often, and further away from the networks of extended
family support. So if you are not connected into an extended family network, you
must create one. Your church is a good place to start. Preserve your friendships.
And each of you should have your own friends/confidants…

There’s a modern idea that ‘submission’ to one another is wrong, or
demeaning, or likely to lead to one of you becoming a doormat – or to being
abused. Now that can happen, sure. But I believe there’s great wisdom – and joy –
in ‘submitting’ appropriately to your spouse, provided yes, it’s mutual. I said
you submit to a person: you don’t have to submit to abuse – which is why it’s a
good idea go to a marriage enrichment weekend or get a marriage checkup with an
experienced counselor at least once a year.

And I think it’s a good idea to pray together. When Christian couples come
for counseling about an adulterous situation they sometimes tell me they don’t
pray together any more. Why? ‘I’d feel hypocritical praying with my wife after
what I’ve done.’ But with all its emotional complications that’s exactly when you
should pray together. The best prayer to god is a four-letter word: ‘help!’

About the importance of regular meaningful communication: there’s a book on
the best-seller lists at the moment titled ‘Why won’t men listen and why can’t
women read maps?’ In my talks to men’s and women’s groups I’m saying something
like this: ‘men usually hope that by not talking about a problem it will go away;
women generally know that by talking out a problem it will help.’ The men are
silent; the women ask, in unison ‘who’s right?’ It’s a good idea to schedule
communication-time into every week. Jan and I have the same day off – tuesday –
when we enjoy our grandchildren, watch a movie, go out to lunch or dinner, and/or
just talk…

Now why don’t men listen to their wives? It’s called ‘transference’, and it’s
very important to recognize when it’s happening in a marriage. Husbands hate to
be shamed by their wives (which is why the pubs are full of working-class men;
others become workaholics to escape this possiblity). Transference is confusing
the other with someone else (in this case, one’s mother). Women do it too, of
course. We bring into marriage all the accumulated experiences with significant
others. My wife had an angry father, who beat her, often unjustly, until she was
eighteen. I rarely get angry, but she can remember vividly the four times I have
with her!

Andrew and Bonni: all of us here join together to wish you every happiness.
Your marriage will not be trouble-free: that’s not possible in this life. But may
god enrich your marriage, and bless you both as you journey into an exciting
future together.

God the father lovingly enfold you.
God the son grace your home and
table.
God the holy spirit crown you with joy and peace.
The Lord bless
you and keep you in eternal life. Amen.

The Lord bless you and keep you;
the Lord make his face to shine upon
you,
and be gracious to you;
the Lord lift up his countenance upon you,
and give you peace. Amen.

Rowland Croucher

April 4, 1999.