JUST VISITING

Many times the articles of Mikal Frazier have appeared on these pages. She was slated
to submit an article this week, but it is noticeably absent. A few weeks ago, we told you
that she was faced with the decision of placing her father in the nursing home. At the
same time her mother has been recovering from a stroke. Within themselves, these were
difficult crises in her life. She has now been faced with a third crisis.

On December 31, her husband Jim, attempted to start a farm tractor while standing on
the ground. Unfortunately, the tractor was in gear and ran over him. His pelvis is broken
in several places. He suffered several broken ribs and some slight internal injuries. By
the grace of God, Jim is still with us, although he faces a long period of recovery and
will apparently be confined to the hospital for several days to come. Frazier (as he is
known to his friends) is tough and stubborn, however, and we predict he will be back on
top soon. Please pray for the two of them and their children as they deal with this crisis
in their lives. We hope to welcome Mikal back to our newsletter very soon. We look forward
to hearing her perspective on this whole ordeal. (Do you remember the story of Jim
proposing to her in a horse pasture and she thought it was romantic?)

Norman

THE WEAPONS OF MARITAL WARS

by Norman Bales

In 2 Corinthians 10:4, Paul maintains "the weapons of our warfare are not
carnal." The term "carnal" is _sarkikos_ in Greek. It means, "having
the nature of flesh, i.e. under the control of the animal appetites." We normally
think of "carnal warfare" as an armed conflict involving guns, bombs, mortar and
other forms of military ordnance. Paul’s definition of carnality reaches within the human
psyche. It includes the mind games married couples play with each other. Let’s examine
some of the common weapons used in marriage conflict.

THE MEMORY BOMB.

The memory bomb is among the most versatile weapon in the entire arsenal of married
combatants. If you press the minus button, memory either malfunctions or operates at a low
level. When called to account for behavior that your spouse finds unacceptable, press the
minus button and you will have no memory of the offense having occurred. Since you can’t
remember the incident, you can’t be held accountable for it.. It also can be fine-tuned to
remember things selectively. You can even remember statistical minutia from sports events.
Those who are proficient at selective use of the memory bomb actually delete a spouse’s
request to take out the garbage. On the other hand, when you press the plus button, the
memory bomb enables you to recall every slight, hurt, offense and criticism throughout
your married life.

Through careful fine-tuning you can recall every word spoken in anger as well as the
tone of voice used when it was spoken. You can remember sighs, groans, grunts and every
roll of the eyes. You can always tell when the memory bomb is about to be used against you
in this fashion.

The conversation will begin with, "Do you remember that time when you . . .
."

THE ATTACK GUN.

This rapid-fire weapon comes with an almost inexhaustible supply of ammunition. The
more you use it , the more rapidly it will fire. Since it is an offensive weapon, it has
capability of deflecting or diverting defensive tactics. It is most effective when the
person who uses it avoids the temptation to consider whether the attack violates the
Geneva Convention Rules for Civilized Warfare Among Spouses. Try to block out of your mind
any visions of the carnage that your words might cause the other party. 

You don’t want to think of yourself as a war criminal. Mulling over those possibilities
will slow your momentum and might even give your spouse an advantage. If you have trouble
engaging the weapon, you will discover that certain phrases will limber it up in short
order.

Some of these phrases are "you never," "you always," "I don’t
have to take that from you." "I won’t put up with that." Follow that up
with a liberal sprinkling of uncomplimentary names and assaults on your partner’s
integrity and you will soon become proficient in using the attack gun. 

THE STRATEGIC RETREAT.

The strategic retreat is more of a tactic than a weapon. It is purely defensive in
nature and favored by those who lack the stomach for invasion. It works quite effectively
against both the memory bomb and the attack gun. The strategy is very simple. Refuse to
talk about the issues that irritate your spouse.

Protective cover is available in many places. One of the most obvious is the couch in
your den. "State-of-the-art" cover from attack can be found in front of the
computer screen. If you turn up the television set loud enough, you won’t be able to hear
the attacks. You can always load the _1812 Overture_ in your CD-ROM player and set the
volume on the maximum level as a means of drowining out the attacks. If your spouse is
brazen enough to get in between you and the television set or enters CNTRL-ALT-DEL on your
keyboard, then you can retreat to a nearby bar or some other local hangout where you’ll
find allies, who will discuss computers, car engines and football scores. 

SNIPER FIRE

While you are retreating, it is possible to make use of SNIPER FIRE.

Unlike the attack gun, the SHARPSHOOTER RIFLE is precisely aimed and designed to cover
fairly long distances. It’s important to place a well aimed single shot from cover that
cannot be easily detected. The most effective of these are your complaints, especially the
ones that enable you to lay a guilt trip on your partner. You can even use the scriptures
to make it appear that your spouse is in conflict with the Lord. That way you can make
sure your partner never enjoys a victory very long. Your partner never can be sure when
the next bullet is coming or where it’s going to come from.

A BETTER APPROACH TO MARITAL COMBAT

Of course, all that is "tongue-in-cheek," but have I not accurately described
the level of conflict in many homes? Conflict and confrontation are inevitable in human
relationships, but the conflict methods I have described are ungodly. By Paul’s
definition, we are describing "carnal warfare." The Bible summons us to live by
a different standard. Paul says, "For though we live in the world, we do not wage war
as the world does" 2 Corinthians 10:3. How can Christian couples deal with their
conflict without giving in to the temptation of pretending that conflict doesn’t exist.
Here are some principles that need to be observed.

1. Lower the intensity. When dealing with the offenses our spouses commit against us,
it’s a good idea to remember the principle Paul taught the church about dealing with a
brother who is overcome by sin. He said, "you who are spiritual should restore him
gently" (Galatians 6:1). According to Proverbs 15:1 "A gentle answer turns away
wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."

2. Take a good look at yourself before correcting others. In the Galatians passage Paul
said, "But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted." When an
"attacking" spouse maintains a disposition of absolute correctness and insists
on casting the "defending" spouse in the role of absolute transgressor,
resolution of conflict does not occur.

3. Try word pictures. Smalley and Trent have quite a lot to say about word pictures in
their books. They offer some techniques for developing powerful word pictures, but you’ll
find no better example of a confrontational word picture than the one in 2 Samuel 12:1-13.
  Notice the impact of the word picture of the slaughter of the little ewe lamb. Had
Nathan used an "attack gun" on David, he might have been executed, but instead
he moved the king to contrition with a word picture.

4. Make yourself vulnerable. There is much to be learned about marriage when we read
what the Bible says to people in other relationship contexts. In Matthew 5, Jesus talked
about offenses between brothers. Jesus counseled, "Settle matters quickly with your
adversary" (Matthew 5:25). We need to be open to reason, willing to see the other
person’s point of view and quick to recognize our own shortcomings.

5. Listen. In James 1:19 the readers of the ancient epistle were instructed, " My
dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and
slow to become angry." It’s human nature to want to speak. We all have an opinion, a
viewpoint, a conviction, an insight. We consider our views important and we want them
heard, but if everybody talks and nobody listens, communication and understanding never
take place. The more we are willing to listen, the more effective we will be in diffusing
conflict. 

CONCLUSION

Some people think that Christians should never differ with one another, that
differences of viewpoint negates the validity of one’s faith. Such a view is not only
unrealistic, it’s unhealthy. We end up accommodating viewpoints that make us uncomfortable
because we think we’re not supposed to disagree. Even Paul and Barnabas had honest
disagreement. In marriage, the question is not so much are we going to disagree, but are
we going to be disagreeable? We just need to make sure that we use spiritual weapons and
tactics instead of carnal ones.

—————————————————–

All About Families Newsletter

E-mail:

Mikal Frazier:  

Web: http://www.allaboutfamilies.org