JUST VISITING

I received a new CD for Christmas. The CD features one of my favorite singers – Don
Williams. One of the cuts features a song written by Bill LaBounty and Steve O’Brien,
titled, "Take it Easy on Yourself."  They remind us, "There’s two
hundred people pushin’ up daisies In the graveyard back of the old Baptist church,  
There were some schemers, some sinners and dreamers Not one died wishing they’d spent more
time at work." We live in a fast paced world, where the primary values concern money,
prestige and power. The two country songwriters remind us that there’s something more
imporant to be concerned about. I’m not going to write a response to their song, but if I
could, I would say that "Not one died wishing they’d spent less time building quailty
relationships." I know it doesn’t rhyme and the meter is atrocious, but you get the
idea. Today’s feature article and the book review concern time spent in building quality
relationships. I hope you’ll read on.

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MAINTAINING ROMANCE IN MARRIAGE

by Norman Bales

In past issues, both Mikal and I have addressed the subject of romance in negative
terms. You can go to the search engine of our Website <http://www.allaboutfamilies.org> and
discover how we’ve incriminated ourselves. We both think marriage must be rooted in
something more solid than romance. Leonardo Di Caprio and Kate Winslet certainly looked
romantic in their brief scene on the prow of a luxury ocean liner, but if you followed the
story line to its completion, you knew the _Titanic_ was headed for a rendevous with an
iceberg and that disaster lay in their path. Many marriages start out as an overheated
romantic adventure, but windup crashing into an emotional iceberg. 

If you’re expecting to live fifty years on feelings, you’re going to get hurt, but
commitment is something else again. Without a doubt Jacob was emotionally attracted to
Rachel, but it took something stronger than romance for him to stand by Rachel after she
stole her father’s houshold idols. 

Having rehashed my sermon on the unstable nature of romance, let me say a few things
about keeping romance alive in a marriage. Maybe it’s a little late for New Year’s
resolutions, but I want to encourage you to make plans to improve the romance in your
marriage in 1999. Peter encouraged husbands to be "considerate as you live with your
wives" (1 Peter 3:7). The King James Version says, "dwell with them according to
knowledge." It took me a long time to learn a fundamental truth about most women.
They never lose their need to be romanced. I’m convinced God probably built it into their
genes some way.

I will have to admit that I’ve done some pretty unromantic things in 39 years of
marriage. There was the time I went to see Ann in the hospital while she was critically
ill and asked her where she wanted to be buried. It seemed like a practical question at
the time.

After all, it was a subject that had not been a part of our communication with each
other. A time of serious illness seemed to be the most practical time to bring it up.
Actually, she would have appreciated a bouquet of flowers much more. (She did get them
later on).

When I say that we need to keep romance alive in our mariages, I’m not suggesting that
we "go crazy" like some of us did during courtship. There’s a romantic level of
intensity that often develops in courtship that cannot possibly be sustained for a
lifetime. On the other hand, the courtship doesn’t have to stop – ever.

You may have to clean some of the cobwebs out of your brain to come up with creative
courtship ideas, but you can do it, if you set your mind to it. A few years ago Doug
Fields wrote a book titled Creative Romance. He came up with 50 different dating ideas for
married couples. Let me give you my top five.

1. Give your spouse a back rub.

2. Build a fire in the fireplace. Turn out the lights and talk.

3. Send your spouse a love letter.

4. Hug your spouse from behind and give him/her a kiss on the back of the neck.

5. Drop everything and do something for your spouse right now.

BOOK REVIEW

_Thirty Days to a Better Marriage_, by MARK SUTTON. Ragged Edge

Press, Shippensburg, Pennsylvania. 1998. 79 pp. $9.95. paperback.

Mark Sutton has ministered to churches on two continents, having served churches in the
United States and Lyon, France. His objective is to place a resource in the hands of
married couples that will help them to strengthen, heal and rebuild their marriages.

The book is divided into thirty chapters. They consist of short readings (He doesn’t
actually identify them as chapters but as Day 1, Day 2, etc) designed to challenge
husbands and/or wives to leave the well beaten paths of boredom, miscommunication and
neglect – to put new life into relationships that have gone flat. 

He asks husbands and wives to choose an uninterrupted time to read each day. The
chapters are short and simple. Fifteen minutes a day should be ample time for the average
couple to read one of the chapters.

Each chapter begins with a short scripture reading, followed by a section, which the
author titles "Changing the Heart." These sections are normally anecdotal in
nature – stories designed to help readers rethink the directions their marriages are
taking. Sutton labels the third section of each day’s reading, "Strengthening
Exercises." They consist of assignments which enable the couple to interact with each
other concerning their feelings about their own marriage in light of the day’s topic.

The subject matter covers most of the areas that concern married couples – husband and
wife roles, conflict management, communication, attitudes, sexuality, self-centeredness,
etc. If you’re looking for in-depth discussions of these subjects, you’ll be disappointed,
but if you’re finding it difficult to get in touch with each other’s feelings, this is an
excellent place to start. 

Communication needs some runway before it can be expected to soar into the skies. This
book is a runway.

More than twenty years ago, our marriage definitely needed rejuvenation. It wasn’t
dead, but it was pretty sick. Somebody recommended that I read Page Williams’ book,
Husbands, Do Yourself a Favor; Love Your Wife. Williams made no attempt to pander to the
male ego. He figured that God made the husband the head of the family and with headship
comes responsibility for making the marriage work. His work is an "in-your-face"
challenge for men. (Read it if you dare; it’s still in print). Although my marriage
definitely  needed help, Williams made me so angry that I could scarcely get through
a page without throwing it on the floor. Eventually I worked up to a chapter per sitting.
In the end, I would have to say that Page Williams got my attention and played a large
role in salvaging our marriage, but had I not been so desperate for help in my marriage, I
might not have read his book.

Sutton’s book may be just the thing for the married couple who needs some help, but
tends to resist the family writers who play hardball.  His chapters are short. His
anecdotes keep the reader’s interest and his exercises allow them to go deep if they
choose to or to stay on the surface if they’re not yet ready for the deep end of the pool.
 

If your marriage needs a little more "zing," Thirty Days to a Better Marriage
may help you start in the right direction.

Norman Bales

Shreveport, Louisiana

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