By Norman Bales

A few days ago I received a telephone call from a young man who wants to get married.
He said, "I don’t want to go a justice of the peace. I think it would be appropriate
to have a Christian minister conduct our ceremony." I asked, "When are you
planning the wedding?" He said, "Sometime next week."

Two or three times a year, somebody wants me to perform a wedding ceremony with only a
few days advance notice. I rarely get beyond the initial telephone conversation with these
people. Here in the state of Louisiana, two different types of wedding licenses are
available. One is called "covenant marriage." Among other things "covenant
marriages" require pre-marital counseling. Every couple I have assisted in a wedding
over the last fifteen years or so has been required to complete premarital counseling
prior to the ceremony. I didn’t need a covenant marriage statute to see the value in
requiring counseling.

When I explained that to the young man, he asked "Why?" I told him that he
was about to enter into a serious life-long commitment. He owed it to himself and to his
future bride to be as thoroughly prepared for the responsibilities of marriage as
possible. If I’m going to conduct a ceremony, I owe a couple the courtesy of giving them
the best start possible. If they don’t want that, then why shouldn’t they ask a justice of
the peace? After all as a Christian minister, wouldn’t they expect me to say some things
like "What God hath joined together let no man put asunder?" If they really
believe that, why not give it their very best shot?

Most people hang up on me at that point in the conversation. This young man was kind
enough to thank me for my time. He said that he would "call around" and maybe he
would get back with me. To this date, he hasn’t and I predict that he won’t.

How well does pre-marital counseling work? Well, I don’t know how it works for others,
but according my records only about three of those who have gone through a six-hour
premarital counseling program have divorced. Before I started requiring counseling the
divorce rate was about fifty per-cent. That doesn’t mean I’m good at premarital
counseling. It does mean that we inevitably introduce subjects that a bride and groom
haven’t been talking about – topics that vitally impact their future relationship. It also
means that they won’t think counselors are hydra-headed monsters when they face a problem
in their marriage. They have already dealt with one and he was a pretty normal guy.

What really concerns me about all this, is the flippant regard for marriage
preparation. On the same day the young man called me, I negotiated for the purchase of a
new car. I have been gathering information about cars and car prices for weeks. It was not
a decision that I made lightly. I don’t trade cars every time the wind changes, but I
probably won’t drive this car more than five or six years. I thought a long time about the
kind car I wanted, it’s performance, comfort, drivability, the cost of maintenance, and
insurance requirements. That doesn’t even take into consideration how I’m going to pay for
the pile of new steel now garaged at my house. I don’t make decisions like that without
thoughtful consideration, but I have the impression that some people enter marriage with
much less consideration.

In his book Marriage Savers, Michael McManus claims "Most churches only help
couples prepare for elaborate weddings, not for lasting marriages." He doesn’t think
much of our half-hearted pre-marital counseling sessions either. He thinks we’d see more
broken engagements if we were really serious about it. He accuses organized religion of
contributing to the divorce rate. Worse yet, he says it is "impotent and blind to its
own complicity." Tough words and I’ll have to admit I don’t like hearing them. In the
end I would rather anger the young man who can’t understand why I require counseling than
bear the brunt of the accusation that I helped with a nice ceremony, but did nothing to
help with a lasting marriage.

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All About Families

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