Note from Rowland: Although Norman and Ann Bales are more conservative theologically than I am, there’s a lot of experience/wisdom here… These were originally written sometime before 1999.

Part One: Why They Go Astray

by Norman and Ann Bales

I don’t think I will ever forget the moments my children were born. Each experience was
different. Each experience was special. Each experience was filled with hope. We have one  adopted child. We were equally excited about his arrival. You probably shouldn’t try to  analyze emotions, but if I could analyze my emotions of those unique moments, I would say  we felt one part ecstasy, one part love and one part dread. Sometimes I was overwhelmed at  the thought of being responsible for introducing a new life into the world and assuming  the responsibility for bringing ” . . . them up in the training and instruction of  the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4). I’ve never attempted to perform on a trapeze, but I
sometimes think parenting is like attempting to perform on a high wire without a net.

When they are very young, we visualize their future. Our visions may be unrealistic.
Even so we have them. Many of us would like to see our children reach heights we ourselves  were unable to scale. We visualize our children becoming great athletes, scholars,  musicians or cheerleaders in their school days. Afterwards we expect them to enter  profitable professions, build successful businesses or rise to the top in community
leadership. Christian parents look forward to their children developing leadership skills
in the church youth group, winning “Bible bowl” contests, behaving as ideal role
models for children without solid Christian training, leading devotionals, and going on
mission trips. In adulthood they anticipate their children becoming ministers, Bible
school teachers, church leaders – maybe even missionaries. What wonderful visions we have.

THINGS DON’T ALWAYS WORK OUT THE WAY WE HAD HOPED

I don’t have to tell you that things don’t always work out as we planned. In her book,_
Stick a Geranium in Your Hat and Be Happy_, Barbara Johnson told her readers about some of  the parenting experiences she survived. First came the loss of a son who was killed near  Da Nang during the Viet Nam war. Then there was the loss of a second son who was killed by  a drunk driver in a head-on collision in Alaska. Just when it appeared things couldn’t get  any worse they got worse. A third son dropped a bomb on her. He told his mother, “I’m  a homosexual.” That wasn’t exactly what she   expected to hear from him. After  all he had been a member of a Christian singing group, a leader in the youth group at  their church and involved in a youth outreach program at school.

In her book, _The Hurting Parent_, Marge Lewis told the   heart-wrenching story of
a son who left home unannounced and rode his bicycle to a distant state. After searching
for weeks, they finally found him, but he told them that he did not want to see them.

How do you respond when you learn a child has been arrested? What can you do when you  learn that your precious, precocious child is using marijuana? How do you deal with the  hurt when children turn away from the church? How do you live with the sense of failure  when you learn that a child has turned away from the values you attempted to teach?

There are no “cut-and-dried” answers to these questions, but we must deal  with the hurt of parents whose children go astray. Parents deal with few things that pain  them more than straying children. There are three reasons why we address this subject.

1. We speak primarily for the sake of the children who have chosen to turn away from
the guidance provided by their home. If nobody else loves them, their parents do. Their
souls are at stake and we must do everything we can to help them turn their lives around.

2. We address the subject as a preventive measure. As parents we need to understand
that if our children do disappoint us someday, we are still worthwhile people and we can
go on serving the Lord.

3. We speak to the subject as an appeal to Christians who haven’t experienced this kind
of pain. It’s easy to attach blame and point fingers when you haven’t walked in someone
else’s shoes. Perhaps our study will help you to understand “there, but for the grace
of God, go I.”

We will attempt to discuss the subject from three points of view: (1) why children go
astray, (2) how parents react, (3) what to do when it happens.

WHY CHILDREN GO ASTRAY

Our list is not exhaustive, but we will try to identify some of the more common causes.

THE INFLUENCE OF PEERS

In his book, _The Wounded Parent_, Guy Greenfield told the story of a girl named Susan  (real girl, fictitious name). Susan was a minister’s daughter, quite active in the church  youth program, but she became romantically involved with a boy named Chuck. Her  relationship with Chuck became intense and soon Susan was pregnant.

Her parents were stunned. They had taught moral values, but Susan violated them anyway.  Shortly after learning she was pregnant, Susan decided to have an abortion, which also  went against the values she had been taught. Over the objection of her parents, the  abortion was done. Of course there was great alienation and grief for all parties  concerned. Later the parents were able to see that Susan had been gradually led away from  the values taught in her home by a peer group of five girls. Sex, profanity, alcohol and  excitement were the four major ingredients of their lifestyle.

Peer groups have a powerful effect on adolescents. The book of Proverbs repeatedly
warns against the influence of ungodly peers.

” Listen, my son, to your father’s instruction and do not forsake your mother’s
teaching. They will be a garland to grace your head and a chain to adorn your neck. My
son, if sinners entice you, do not give in to them” (Proverbs 1:8-10).

ACADEMIC REASONS

In his book, _The Closing of the American Mind_,” Alan Bloom (University of
Chicago) noted a change in the beliefs of university undergraduates. In the thinking of
the majority, moral absolutism has been replaced by relativism. Popular philosophical
currents of thought reject the notion that an unalterable, transcultural standard (the
Bible) exists as an accurate measurement of right and wrong.

Proponents of post-modernism suggest that we “make up truth as we go.”

Public opinion polls become the measuring devices of right and wrong.

Post-modernism’s influence goes far beyond the classroom and highly touted authors from  the world’s most prestigious universities. It’s message is reduced to the popular level  and promoted through books, plays, movies, television programs, and novels. The Internet  has become a powerful tool for the propagation of anti-Christian values.

DESIRE FOR INDEPENDENCE

Mark Twain is supposed to have said, “A boy is grown about five years before he
thinks he his and about five years after his father thinks he is.” I don’t know if he
had his numbers right, but there’s no doubt about the general trend. That sets up a
conflict and a natural desire for a young man or woman to assert independence. Sometimes  this process leads to unwise behavior. The wise old man, Solomon, appealed to the young  man who had reached the point in life when he would be allowed to make his own decisions.
He appealed to him to see the wisdom of making upright decisions.

“My son, do not forget my teaching, but keep my commands in your heart, for they
will prolong your life many years and bring you prosperity.” (Proverbs 3:2)

POOR TEACHING FROM PARENTS

Proverbs 22:16 has often been a favorite text for preachers who think they can
“guilt trip” parents into doing a better job. “Train a child in the way he  should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.” Charles Swindoll (_You and  Your Child_) claims the Hebrew word for “train” means, “develop a taste  for.” He then concludes that “the way he should go” means something like in  the direction toward which he is inclined.

I grew up under preaching which suggested that any child who ever goes astray wasn’t
taught right in the first place. When you stop to think about it that’s an illogical point
of view. If you took it to it’s logical extreme, no child would ever be responsible for
his own behavior. He could always place the blame on Mom and Dad. “They didn’t teach
me right.” Both interpretations are open to question. I would suggest that Proverbs
22:16 was never intended to be an ironclad guarantee, but something like a rule of thumb  that’s true most of the time. It’s not a command. It’s an observation about life. It ought  to be fairly obvious that a child who has adequate teaching will be more likely to follow  the ways of righteousness than the one that does not. But it is not an iron clad
conclusion that every child that is taught right will not go astray.

A DESIRE TO FIND OUT THINGS FOR THEMSELVES

Several years ago, we visited a gulf coast beach with some friends. Our friends had
lived their entire lives in land locked areas and had little knowledge of the creatures
who inhabit the sea. I saw a dead (or dormant) Portuguese Man-O’-War in the sand. I
gathered the children around, showed them how to identify the species and warned them not  to touch it. I explained that it would be quite painful to do so. In less than thirty  minutes one of the children came to   us in great pain. We asked, “Did you touch
the “Man-O’-War?” Between sobs, she nodded her head affirmatively. No matter how
much we inform, warn, plead and pray, it’s human nature for people to want to learn things  for themselves. Sometimes the lessons are painful.

POOR PARENTAL EXAMPLES

When Paul wrote to Timothy, he urged his pupil, ” . . . set an example for the  believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity” (1 Timothy 4:12). If  it was important for Timothy to establish his credibility among older people by setting an  example for them, how much more important must it be for parents to set a credible example  for their children?

Sometimes parents punish themselves unnecessarily in this matter. They keep asking,
“What did I do wrong?” The answer can be “nothing.” On the other hand,  if what you are is a contradiction to what you say, what you are will speak much more  loudly than your words. The power of example may well be the most important influence in  shaping the belief and behavior of our offspring. On occasion, I find myself mimicking the  example of my father in a negative way. I can well imagine that my own children mirror my
actions and attitudes as well. Rubel Shelly reminds us of the importance of example in
these powerful words, “In families, classrooms, offices and neighborhoods, people are
less inclined to listen to sermons than to look for examples. Without the actions, they
will consider the words empty – and have no interest in hearing them.”

NEXT WEEK, we’ll talk about some additional reasons our children go astray, including:

1. The influence of the media.

2. Disappointing role models and leaders in the church.

3. The lust of the flesh, the lust of the eye and the pride of life.

4. Disappointing church experiences. 5. Marriage conflict between parents.

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