by Norman and Ann Bales

“My Child Doesn’t Want to Walk with the Lord. What Can I do? To me one of the
saddest scenes in the Bible is recorded in 2 Samuel 18. Absalom had rebelled against his
David. The hostility ran so deep that the young man even forced his father into exile.
Under the leadership of Joab, David mounted a successful counter attack.. Joab crushed the  rebellion by plunging three javelins into the heart of Absalom. When David heard of his  son’s death, he was inconsolable.

“The king was shaken. He went up to his room over the gateway and wept. As he
went, he said: “Oh my son Absalom! My son, my son Absalom. If only I had died instead
of you – O Absalom, my son, my son!” (2 Samuel 18:36).

Many of us have known the crushing blow of learning that a child has chosen to rebel
against the teaching of the home. Sometimes it may be nothing more than our offspring’s
way of testing the values learned in the home. Some questioning seems inevitable when
children seek to assert their individuality. Sometimes a child’s rejection of home
teaching can be long term, traumatic, embarrassing and defiant. How does a parent deal
with these dynamics? In our previous newsletters, we sought to give you a list of possible  reasons for such behavior.

Now we turn our attention to the development of a coherent strategy to deal with the
reality of a child’s rejection.

TEMPTING STRATEGIES THAT WON’T WORK

1. Using all your energy to pinpoint blame. Did you contribute to your child’s decision
to walk away from the faith? Probably. Should you own up to your mistakes? Absolutely.
Surely, you don’t want to repeat the same mistakes again. That makes it imperative that
you review your own behavior toward your child in an objective manner.

Most of the time, there’s enough blame to go around for everyone, but blaming doesn’t
heal anything. Confession, even to your child, is healthy (James 5:16), but it is probably
counterproductive to do it over and over again. Beating yourself over the head with blame  will do nothing but increase your misery and will not induce your child to return to the  straight and narrow path.

2. Beating yourself over the head with Proverbs 22:6. Many years ago, a Godly mother
came to discuss her concerns about her three grown children, who weren’t walking with the  Lord. She really wanted help for her pain. Instead of helping, I quoted Proverbs 22:6,  “Train a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not turn from
it.” Then, without too much sensitivity, I said, “You did something wrong in the
training process.” (At the time I had one child, who was not yet two). That’s one of
those conversations that I would like to be able to start over from the beginning.

Proverbs 22:6 establishes a general principle, not an ironclad promise. It is best not
to take the Proverbs as ironclad statements that never have an exception. A case in point  occurs in the same chapter. Note verses 26-27, “Do not be a man who strikes hands in  pledge or puts up security for debts; if you lack the means to pay, your very bed will be  snatched from under you.” Think about it, do these consequences apply every single  time? Have you ever known anyone, who borrowed money with a co-signer and paid it back? Of  course you did. Has every person who co-signed a note had his “bed snatched from  under” him? Probably not. You may have actually guaranteed a loan for someone and  you’re still sleeping in your bed.

Proverbs discussed the general principle of prudence, but it does not establish an
unfailing rule that’s true in every case without exception.   The same thing is true
with our children. Train them right and they’ll usually turn out right. However, there
does come a time when children are responsible for their own behavior and parents cannot  be held responsible for their willful sins.

3. Scolding, shaming, demeaning, guilt tripping. When you’ve been deeply hurt by the
behavior of your children, you may feel tempted to say something like, “I can’t
believe you would deliberately bring so much grief to your parents.” You may feel
like the command to “rebuke, reprove and exhort” places a responsibility on you
to tell your children where they stand in no uncertain terms. There is a time to reprove,
rebuke and exhort (2 Timothy 4:2), but that’s generally before they have walked away from  the faith. If you’ve lived a consistent morally upright life, with Christ at the heart of
your concerns, you child will know where you stand. It is not necessary to keep reminding  our children that their behavior is blatantly immoral. They know where you’re coming from  on that score.

You don’t have to machine-gun them with Bible verses. They’ve heard those too. You
don’t have to remind them how hot Hell is. They’ve got a pretty good idea of what you
think about Hell, even though they probably don’t believe they’re in any current danger of  going there. You may need to talk your feelings over with a trusted friend, minister, or
counselor, but dumping on your children will probably not bring them back.

4. Shunning, avoiding, isolating yourself from them. This may be the most tempting
strategy of all. The pain is so intense that if you don’t have to think about it, then it
doesn’t seem to hurt so much.   Time spent with wayward children may seem tension
filled. All kinds of red flags are sent up through behavior patterns and things that are
said. If you’re not around them, then you don’t have to deal with them. There may come a  time when you will have to force a wayward child to choose between living under your roof  and living according the to rules of the house. I’m not suggesting that you tolerate drug  use and live-in lovers in your own home, but you will always need to remain in contact. I  grew up hearing a popular cliche, “Blood is thicker than water.” I don’t know
that I can prove that from scripture, but I do know that we develop bonds with our own
flesh and blood that cannot be denied. Besides that, if your children are ever inclined to
turn back toward the Lord, you need to be in close enough proximity to help them find
their way home and be ready to welcome them back.

5. Giving up. Many years ago, I heard Marvin Phillips say, “If my child goes  astray, I can fight the devil all the way to Hell with my prayers.” Sometimes prayer  may be the only weapon we have to use in the war for our children, but it is a powerful  weapon, one that we should never underestimate. James wrote, “The prayer of a  righteous man is powerful and effective” (James 5:16). Over the years, I’ve known  many occasions when children returned to the Lord after years of unfaithfulness. I am  reminded of the words attributed to Winston Churchill during the dark hours of World War  II. “Never, never, never give up.”

NEXT WEEK: Some Positive Steps a Parent Can Take

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All About Families Newsletter

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