by Norman and Ann Bales

Forgiving without Imposing Contingencies

The number one goal in our relationship with our wayward children is reconciliation.
Most parents want to be reconciled with their children. Wayward children probably want
reconciliation with their parents. The deepest longing of Christian parents is to see
their children reconciled to God.

Reconciliation efforts are often thwarted by pre-conditions on the part of both parents
and children. If you’re the parent of a wayward child, you may have a carefully
constructed agenda of what it will take to bring about reconciliation. Your child must
admit wrongdoing. Your child must apologize. Your child may be required to make
restitution for wrongs committed. Of course, you will determine which acts of restitution
are required. Your child must be willing to accept accountability by reporting to you
concerning his or here whereabouts and activities at all times. The child may want
reconciliation on his or her terms, which mean you don’t say anything about drug use,
drinking or other forms of unacceptable behavior. The price of reconciliation may mean the  freedom to bring a live-in lover to your house and share the same bedroom, even though  it’s against your principles. Quite obviously, parents and children are a long way apart  on these imagined scenarios and reconciliation will not be possible until there is some  movement one way or the other.

It’s not our place to lay out a precise formula for negotiating the differences between
“what we expect” and “what we won’t allow,” but one thing is  absolutely certain. Reconciliation will not take place until forgiveness takes place. Who  needs forgiveness in these situations? Most of the time everybody does.

GUILT FELT BY PARENTS

Most parents feel a sense of shame and guilt when children stray from the way their
parents have attempted to guide them. The common response to guilt is self-pity, concern  for what others will think and say. Self-pity becomes a vicious whirlpool that sucks us  deeper and deeper into its black hole. Sometimes parents resort to the defense mechanism  of attempting to transfer their own feelings of guilt to the wayward child. Some parents  attempt to create retaliatory guilt in the child who has hurt them.. When this occurs a  real danger is created. Most of the straying children have enough guilt of their own. If  more additional guilt is imposed on them they may never return to the family unit.

One must determine if the guilt is false or justified. There is no need to be paralyzed
by false guilt. The greatest need is to get on with the business of love and accepting the
child. On the other hand, feelings of real guilt serve a positive purpose. They call our
attention to wrongdoing. These feelings should not be discounted or ignored. We need to
ask God for forgiveness and change our behavior (1John 1:9). Forgiveness is the cure for
all guilt. If we can acknowledge our wrongs, accept God’s forgiveness and forgive
ourselves, we can genuinely say to our child “your are my son/daughter, no matter
what.” When we say it, the child will recognize our genuineness. Our relief from
guilt is directly related to our own attitudes of forgiveness. God forgives us as we
forgive others. We cannot be stingy with forgiveness. No “ifs, ands or buts.” It
must be unconditional like God’s (Romans 5:8). Another trait of God’s forgiveness is that
it is all encompassing – no matter what the sin or hurt.

HOW DO WE AS HURTING PARENTS EXHIBIT GOD’S BRAND OF FORGIVENESS?

* Recognize that forgiveness starts, not as an emotion, but as a deliberate act of the
will.

* Be willing to accept your share of the responsibility – admit personal wrongs.

* Forget what is in the past.

* Take all of these steps and apply them all to every party involved.

* Parents must forgive each other.

* Forgive yourself.

* Forgive God. That may sound strange but we sometime question God by asking “Why
did this happen to us?” We blame God for our problem.

God hasn’t done anything wrong. He doesn’t need our forgiveness. But we need to forgive  Him and release Him from any blame if we are going to be totally forgiving.   When an  individual can do all of these things, then it can be said forgiveness occurred with  “no strings attached.” You must decide whether your child’s profession of
penitence is genuine, but when you offer forgiveness, it must not be “until” or
“contingent upon.” Nor can you say, “If you ever do that again, I’m through
with you.” Jesus taught the seventy times seven principle.

Refuse to give in to despair. The dictionary defines despair as a loss of confidence,
an absence of expectation or hope.   Despair becomes the logical outgrowth of any or
all of the common negative reactions hurting parents’ experience. Dwelling on attitudes of  shame, rejection, anger or guilt is as dangerous as clinging to a log in the upper Niagara
River. Especially if you know that Niagara Falls is where that log is headed. Just as
sure, these emotions will drag one over the precipice of despair. Despair contributes to
the sinking sensation of helplessness and inadequacy which results in a sense of distance
either emotional or geographic or both. Any distance from our children narrows our options  in relating or reacting to them.

Another factor that adds to parental despair is the gravity of a son or daughters
actions. The more serious the problem and the consequences, the greater the possibility of  despair.

Parents who get backed into a corner with no easy way out are also prime candidates for
dejection. That occurs when we find ourselves confronting situations in which we don’t
know what to do. We feel disappointed with God. We pray for our children and God doesn’t  seem to act or He doesn’t do what we ask. We want Him to fix things but they just get  worse. When we begin to feel completely helpless, we need to remember this: God’s ability  to work in the lives of our children doesn’t depend on our resources. God can use anything  he chooses and he knows what is best.

Time is another great discourager. God is oblivious to time. He is working all the time
whether we see it or not. Read Psalm 139 and claim this scripture for the straying child.
There seems to be major progress and a solution to the problem and then there is a serious  setback. This may bring about a sense of finality where there seems to be nothing more  that the parent, or God, can do. It may seem to us that our children have taken an  irrevocable path and there is nothing anyone can do. This is the time to remember that  “all things are possible with God” and our Lord is the God of the second chance.  That is what the parable of the prodigal son teaches.

Despair is probably the most dangerous, most difficult emotion to overcome. Its cloud
of darkness can deprive a person of the light needed for emotional, physical and spiritual
health. Its continued shadow can eventually cripple a person in any one, or all three
areas of life.

The book of Habbakuk speaks to despair. So does Hebrews 6:19 where we are told that
“hope is an anchor for the soul, firm and secure.”   Hope is the salvation  for despair. Our God is a persistent God. He never quits. Knowing that should give parents  enough faith and hope to keep doing our part. He is our greatest example of  “parenting.” For further study on straying children, we recommend three books.

1. Margie M. Lewis with Gregg Lewis, The Hurting Parent (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan  Corporation, 1980).

2. Charles R. Swindoll, Growing Wise in Family Life (Portland, OR: Multnomah Press,
1988).

3. Guy Greenfield. The Wounded Parent – Hope for the Hurting Parent.

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All About Families Newsletter

Web: http://www.allaboutfamilies.org/

Previous articles in this series: http://jmm.org.au/articles/5038

http://jmm.org.au/articles/5039

http://jmm.org.au/articles/5040

http://jmm.org.au/articles/5041

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