Part 6 "You’ve Got to Have the Right Parts

By Norman and Ann Bales

INTRODUCTION

Marriages, like people, come in all colors, shapes and personality styles. It is the
quality of the bond between the two partners, and whathappens on the basis of that bond,
that matters. Can we look at a couple and predict that they will have a healthy marriage?

Dr. Truman Esau in his book Making Marriage Work says that over the years he has come
to realize four elements that characterize a healthymarriage. They are: empathy, valuing,
loyalty and sexuality. According to Easu, the presence and quality of these four factors
determine the essential quality of the marriage.

Let’s look at each of these elements and see how and why they are vital to a healthy
marriage.

 · Empathy

1. What is empathy? (Synonyms-compassion, fellow feeling) Empathy is feeling what the
other person feels or at least it’s an approximation of feeling what the other person
feels. Esau called it "temporary identification – a process that takes far longer to
describe than to occur. When you’re watching American football games on television this
fall, take a good look at a field goal play – especially one that’s extremely long when
the game’s on the line. After the kick is over, viewers often see a replay of the coach’s
reaction. If his player has been successful, the coach will break out in a grin. He may
throw his arms up in the air in joyous celebration. Let’s say the kick just hits the
crossbar and bounces back. This time the camera focuses on the anguish of the coach. He
doesn’t participate in either play, but he feels the emotions of his players.

That’s empathy.

We practice empathy in dozens of ways. We all send out non-verbal signals to indicate
our feelings and the empathetic person learns to read them – a blush, a frown, a tight
lip, folded arms, even tears. We respond to those cues even when we are unaware of what we
are responding to. Some people call this recognition intuition or gut-level feelings and
want to dismiss it as unreliable. Of course we can misread those subtle forms of
communication, but we are apt to lie more with our lips than we do with our non-verbal
signals.

It is this kind of empathy that enables a mother to understand her child. Even the
newborn infant communicates inner experiences and feelings both vocally and through body
language. If you don’t believe this just spend some time watching the different ways a
baby let’s the parents know what they need. The mother can know  the difference
between an "ache" cry, a "hungry" cry and a "mad" cry. You
probably won’t be able to do that, but she is empathetic toward her child. It is
interesting to note that God uses this illustration to describe his empathy toward us. In
Isaiah 66:19 he says, "As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you."
As the infant develops physically and emotionally, the empathy becomes a two way street.

In marriage, partners learn to read each other’s non-verbal signals and respond to each
other on the basis of those readings. Each partner learns to feel with the other and
arrive at an educated guess as to what he or she is experiencing. Many husbands and wives
can tell from the sound of a footstep, the way the front door is closed, or how a coat is
hung up (or not hung up) what kind of day a spouse had. We have been married almost 40
years. It would be difficult to say when we first noticed we could pick up on one
another’s cues and  respond accordingly. One of us can start a sentence and the other
might finish it. We might even be thinking something and the other one respond to what was
being thought. It is spooky sometimes,  but neat. That is what is meant by empathy in
the deepest sense.

What we’ve just talked about is really only the first step in using empathy
effectively. The second step is to use communication to clarify what you are only guessing
is the other partners feelings.

Many times trouble occurs as a result of the couple stopping at the first stage and not
moving on to the verbal communication stage. You’ve got to check out those gut-level
feelings.

  · Valuing

Esau wrote, "Empathy is powerful. It can be used as a tool or a weapon. It can
either build trust or instill fear, depending on how it is used. We can use our reading of
another either to gain advantage over that person or to discover how I might best help him
or build a friendship with him."

When I truly consider my spouse’s feelings as important as my own, I will use empathy
to support the relationship rather than wound it. It was this kind of valuing that the
Apostle Paul was recommending when he wrote, "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or
vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should
look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others"
(Philippians 2:3-4).

When empathy is communicated in positive ways and care is demonstrated toward spouse
relationship, it fosters trust. Both partners need this. No matter how much in love we are
when we marry, we enter the relationship with a sense of mistrust and a vulnerability that
frightens us when we learn that the other partner might know what is going on inside of
me.

If we respect our mates and take the time to communicate and handle feelings with care
then we can feel safe. This grants a freedom to explore our inner feelings and trust that
we won’t  be judged by intuition and that it is safe to just be "me."

Empathy is a skill that grows as it is used and as each partner takes the risk both of
checking out assumptions and of letting the other in on what actually is going on inside.
When a husband and wife use it in a way that treasures and cares for each other’s
personhood, it strengthens the bond between them as it clears up areas of misunderstanding
and mistrust.

 · Loyalty

Loyalty is vital to any successful marriage. With the exception of God, your marriage
partner is the most important person in your life. That’s inherent in the marriage vows
when we promise to "forsake all others." Unfortunately we don’t always do it. If
loyalty is measured in terms of priority, sometimes a husband’s golfing buddies are more
important to him than his wife. Sometimes children are more important to a wife than her
husband. Some husbands are treated like drones. They are made to feel they have no
practical value after birth has taken place. 

We all have an urgent need to believe that no matter what happens,  we hold the
distinction of having top priority in the minds of our spouses. After serveral years of
marriage and being put on the "back burner" so to speak, while Norman spent many
hours teaching others, helping others with their problems and rarely being around to help
with the children and be involved in their activities, Ann did not feel like she had
priority in his life. She didn’t feel important at all.

At some point in our marriage relationship, we will probably test each other’s loyalty.
Testing may take place in a confrontation in which we can get our mistrust out in the
open. Sometimes it takes a painful experience of airing hurt feelings, doubts, and
misunderstandings, and there is always the risk that in the end we will be misunderstood
and rejected. Many times, though, it is more painful and frightening to confront, so we
run away or do unwise things, which makes the problem worse. But if a husband and wife
really have priority with each other, that truth will become evident to both parties and
there shouldn’t be the need for a major confrontation. Remember that "an ounce of
prevention is worth a pound of cure" and that is true in every area of life, but
especially in the marriage relationship.

When conflicts and problems arise, there is no substitute for a husband and wife
plumbing the question of their importance to each other. When one or the other is inclined
to give their first allegiance to someone or something else, they need to go back and look
at how important their spouse really is to them.

  · SEXUALITY

A lifelong marriage with sexual faithfulness to one spouse is the Christian norm, and
for good reason. Sexuality flows naturally from the question of loyalty; the sexual
relationship is the tangible statement that each is Number One with the other. And there
can be no other. This is the fourth element of a healthy marriage. We will discuss the
ramifications of the sexual bonds in a separate study toward the end of this series.

CONCLUSION

Good marriages don’t just happen. They are the result of constant attention to those
dynamics which make it grow. There is no way to short cut around these "right
parts." All satisfactory married couples will work on developing empathy, valuing,
loyalty and their sexual bond throughout their mutual lifetimes.