He Said (For Husbands)

Gary Smalley is a family counselor, best-selling author and the President of
Today’s Family. Gary Oliver c-wrote How to Get Right After You’ve Gotten It
Wrong with Smalley in 1998. Both have served as pastors and know the stress
ministry can put on marriages. May their comments help strengthen and encourage
your marriage.

I realized what I wasn’t doing was finding out what my wife needed as a wife
and a mother. When her needs were met, filled up, she was satisfied, and then
she pushed me into ministry. . . But I waited to launch out into seminars until
they (wife and children) said, “Let’s do this.”

Recently we planned a vacation together. . . and I said to her before we
went: “What would make this perfect? You tell me.” And she outlined those steps.
Daily she would ask, “What do you want to do?” And I would say: “What makes me
happy is knowing we are doing something you enjoy.” (By doing this, Gary ended
fishing everyday (something he enjoys) at the insistence of his wife! Commenting
on this strange turn of events, Gary said, “What I learned again was: Serve her
needs and then she will desire to serve yours”).

Norma and I had one date night a week . . . time to talk when there was
something special. . . spending at least 20 minutes of nurturing time a day as a
couple maintains marital happiness and fosters intimacy. Ministry couples need
time alone, together and focussed on each other not on ministry, problems or
needs of others.

(As church leaders we need to say to our spouses, “You are more important to
me than the ministry.”) Yes, and saying that doesn’t mean she will take over
your life.

There needs to be days off, vacations and time away with your spouse.

(On talking about your marriage – being transparent) H.B. London, from Focus
on the Family, said, “It’s baloney that you can’t be good friends with people in
your church because you don’t want people to talk about you. They are going to
talk anyway, so you want them to talk about what’s real in your
marriage.”

Strengthening a marriage often begins with encouragement. Harry Truman wrote
his wife 1,300 love letters while he was president. Imagine how busy he was. A
busy [husband] could write love notes, letters, send cards and even leave notes
around the house for a mate.

(Oliver also says that if as a church leader you have to chose between an
important church meeting or a date with your wife, chose your wife) And that
models to the other men that there are boundaries. Otherwise the church can eat
you alive. You have to be able to say no and defer to your family.

If there is one thing that has transformed our marriage relationship it has
been to regularly and faithfully pray together. . . And that has built
trust.

1. Do you find it difficult putting your wife needs first? Why?


2. What do you think about Smalley’s comments on the need for time together
   with your wife?


3. On being transparent about your marriage, would you want church people to
   talk about what’s true about your marriage?


4. How would you rate yourself on efforts to encourage your wife? What do you
   think about the example of President Harry Truman?


5. Would you choose your wife over an important church (or business) meeting?
   Why?


6. Have you prayed regularly and faithfully with your
   wife?