Clergy/Leaders’ Mail-list No. 0-009

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by Norman Bales

Do you want your children to love the church when they are grown? Would you like them to be in regular attendance when you no longer wake them up on Sunday mornings? Do you visualize the time when your sons and daughters will become Bible teachers, youth workers, ministers, and church leaders? Would you like for them to build Christ centered homes? Do you want them to adhere to Biblical values in adulthood?

If I knew a magic formula to make that happen, I would have shared it with you long ago. However, I do know one thing that discourages our children and one thing that encourages them. Prolonged negative family conversation about the church potentially fosters a cynical attitude toward the Lord’s body. On the other hand, constant, positive family comments about the church will improve the likelihood that our children will be excited about the church in adulthood.

It would be wonderful if all our church experiences were positive and uplifting, but as every church member knows, it isn’t always that way. People aren’t perfect and imperfection seems to be magnified when it shows up in Christians. For some reason, some of our most thoughtless remarks are sometimes spoken to one another at church. If you’ve been on the receiving end, you can come home feeling unappreciated.

When I was doing full time pulpit work, I usually received more than my fair share of complimentary remarks about my sermons, but if one church member found fault with my grammar, my appearance or my content, I really had a hard time staying positive the rest of the day. There’s a great temptation to take that kind of disappointment home with you. When the shoe is on the other foot, you sometimes come away disappointed at the quality of the service so you have “fried preacher” and “roast deacon” for dinner. Impressionable ears take in every negative comment, whether they say anything or not.

I recall a time when a man filed suit against the church. He didn’t want us to build a facility near his house. He was a lawyer and he had the means to fight us. For quite a while we had some pretty unkind things to say about that lawyer. Then one day my 5- year-old son said, “I hope he dies.” I said, “Son, you shouldn’t talk that way.” He said, “Well if he’s trying to stop God’s work, God shouldn’t let him live.” I realized we had gone too far with our negative talk. Little ears had picked up on our comments and come to a conclusion we never dreamed about.

I don’t know all of our reasons for turning family conversations into church bashing sessions. An enterprising social researcher ought to look into it sometime. I only know that a lot of us do it. We do it regularly. We do it in front of our children. And it’s not a good thing. When children hear negative talk about the church year after year, they often reach adulthood and make a conscious decision not to have anything to do with such an evil institution. They do what their parents would never dream of doing. They get rid of the offending church by refusing to attend it.

Several years ago, we were sitting at the dinner table one day and got caught up in critical talk about the church. Our teenage daughter said, “I wonder what this would sound like if someone turned on a tape recorder beneath the table.” That stopped us dead in our tracks. From then on, every time the conversation got out of hand, someone would say, “The tape recorder is running.”

The converse is also true. When children hear about wonderful things that are happening in the church, they want to be part of it. Children usually have humanitarian instincts. If they know the church is helping the poor, the downtrodden, the discouraged, the forgotten, they will appreciate what is being done. They will do more. They will want to help do those same things. Good things go on in most churches. We need to talk about those good things and celebrate them.

Family conversation alone does not determine a child’s spiritual values in adulthood, but it is a very important factor. In Philippians 4:8, Paul wrote, “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things.” He might well have added, “talk about such things.” Many years ago, we used to sing a song with our children that included the following lyrics. “Oh be careful, little tongue what you say.” It applies to parents too.