Clergy/Leaders’ Mail-list No. 1-039 (Family Issues)

(From All About Families)

ENCOURAGEMENT REQUIRES PATIENCE (Encouragement – Part 2)

by Norman and Ann Bales

It’s easy for us to sit in front of a computer and type in these wonderful suggestions. However we know that implementing encouragement is not as easy as it sounds. Let’s suppose you decide, “I really think Norman and Ann have some good ideas. I’m going to try it.”

Let’s construct an imaginary scenario to help you see some of the problems you may run up against. A husband reads our essay on encouragement and decides he’s going to act on our suggestions. On his way home from work, he stops by the flower shop and buys a dozen long stem roses, with a vase, “baby’s breath”, a romantic greeting card – the whole nine yards. If you haven’t priced a dozen long stem roses lately, you need to know this purchase will flatten his wallet considerably. He drives home and gets out of the car with a spring in his step. He’s even whistling, “I Want Some Red Roses for a Blue Lady.” He hands her the roses. In a matter-of-fact tone she says, “Oh, you brought home some flowers. That’s nice.” And he never hears another word of appreciation.

What will be his response? Most likely he’s going to say something like, “Never again. I’m through with this encouraging. My wife just doesn’t respond. She lacks the ability to show appreciation.”

In a completely different context, Jesus taught a principle that has application to our point here. In teaching his disciples to love their enemies, Jesus said, ” . . .do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High because he is kind to the ungrateful and the wicked” (Luke 6:35). Of course the specific application does not involve family relationships, but isn’t there a principle here? If God is kind to the ungrateful and the wicked, then shouldn’t we demonstrate kindness to our spouses who do not immediately express gratitude?

On one occasion Jesus healed ten lepers but only one came back to thank him. Years ago John Haggai suggested that we need to learn how to get our kicks from giving, not receiving. He urged us to do things for other people without expecting to receive a positive response in return. He likened serving others to an ice cream sundae and suggested that gratitude is like the cherry on top of the sundae. He noted that the sundae is still good even if you don’t get the cherry.

Sometimes you have to make allowances for emotional roadblocks that hinder feedback. Some people are not as expressive as other people are. Some people are so focused on their own problems or their inward emotional pain that they don’t readily respond to your efforts to encourage. We also value different things. A romantically inclined husband thought it would be a nice idea to honor his wife with a bouquet of flowers on Valentine’s Day. She was more practically minded and said, “If you wanted to really do something for me, why didn’t you use the money to help pay our bills?” (There are people who reason that way). We have to understand that the same things that encourage us may not encourage others.

Encouragement needs to be given, even when we don’t receive immediate rewards. We’ll probably be disappointed if we give up the first time we fail to get a positive response from our encouragement efforts. According to 1 Corinthians 13:7, “love always perseveres.” Our friend Willard Tate wrote, “I can think of so many people who had a great beginning but never finished, never persisted. It’s a sad thing to see a good beginning but a bad ending.” (Habits of a Loving Heart. p. 119). If you’re not getting a positive response from you attempts to encourage, don’t give up too soon.

Next Part: (3) The Element of Risk

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