Hi Rowland,

Well, you always give people lots to think about, I have been for my early morning praying, keeping fit and thinking walk and now have an hour before I start work. thankyou for suggesting I hear your talk last night, it was very helpful as this is what I had written in my journal only on Saturday……

“Today has been a challenging day for me, God, when will I ever get over being so tough and down on myself and really feel that I have forgiven myself. So many people knew [my ex-husband] and myself and it is hard to get away from that, first there was the phone call this morning from a lady I hadn’t seen for some years and during the conversation she said, “And is there any hope for [—] and you?” I told her No and that we had been apart almost 4 years and I needed to move on but after the conversation I still felt fragile inside. Then I went to see a wedding and when I hear those talks on commitment, forgiveness, unconditional love, divorce statistics etc I cringe inside and feel such a failure especially when you are sitting amongst so many Christian couples who somehow got it right. I feel a failure in my own eyes and in their eyes and I somehow know in my heart that God forgives me but then I really hope I am sure of that. Is it the unforgiveable sin to quite your marriage? Will God forgive me, can I forgive myself, can I move on or will I be eternally responsible for breaking a covenant? I would rather die than go back to that marriage. Does God think I am ever free to move on? The church seems so against remarriage anyway.

If that wasn’t enough I then went out for a quiet coffee with a friend, the night was going really well until I was just about to leave and she mentioned in the course of conversation that people tell her [my ex] would come back to me tomorrow but I just won’t have him. Well that is true but I feel I have to be held ever responsible for that while he is the poor guy , but that is only half of the story and it seems he gets people feeling sorry for him and I hate it so much. How many years will it take for people to stop asking questions about us. This day has sent me spiralling down when I have been doing really well for a while, I come unstuck and then have to take time to get back up again. I want God to help me find the way out of this continuous circle.I look forward to hearing Rowland’s talk tomorrow night to see if that will help me. Every day my Quiet times with God have this same theme – that ALL IS WELL, and that there are joys ahead for me from God’s heart of love. I want to be done with this guilt thing forever, to put closure to the past and move on and God I really need your help.”

So your talk was very helpful for me, I am really interested in this absolution idea, maybe I will talk to you about that. Things are pretty hard here with [my daughter] at the moment, her wounding is very deep and she is now thinking of going to Queensland, she had a week up there with [her brother] and there is a lot of work being done in his church with drug addicted kids, so they are trying to sort something out for her there. She needs a new start away from all the stuff that happened to her. She has come home to live till she leaves, has quit her job, she finds everything in her life so hard, a lot of the time she just manages. She is a beautiful girl but it is heart breaking to see her life always such an effort. I love her dearly and am so committed to her but I find it very wearing and this has been going on for 7 or so years now, just pray for us, I would really appreciate that. You are really a blessing and so encouraging to me, I will overcome all these things I know Love [—]