Part One

1. Require a minimum of four (4) months between the calendaring date and the wedding date (except in unusual circumstances). OUR COMMENTS: While we know of people who built long-term, successful marriages after having known one another only a few days, those stories are few and far between. Communication skills and conflict management abilities can only be developed with the passage of time. Four months is probably not long enough and should be viewed only as a minimal waiting period.

2. Require a minimum of six premarital counseling sessions. OUR COMMENTS: About twenty years ago, we began requiring a minimum of six hours of counseling prior to weddings. Prior to that time, many of the couples we dealt with eventually divorced. Since we initiated the premarital counseling requirement, we know of only three couples who have divorced.

3. Require completion of pre-marital inventory or test (such as FOCCUS or PREPARE). OUR COMMENTS: These inventories require training before they can be offered. However, the expense is minimal and training can be received at various locations around the country.

4. Promote abstinence before marriage and fidelity within marriage. We will encourage all singles – both teenagers and adults – to make a commitment to refrain from sexual activity and not to live together outside the marriage relationship. OUR COMMENTS: In Mike McManus’ home church, sexually active couples who are contemplating marriage are asked to make a commitment to remain chaste until after the wedding. Seventy-five percent of them agree to the request.

5. Identify and train couples with solid marriages to mentor and support couples preparing for marriages and couples whose marriages are in trouble. OUR COMMENTS: McManus believes that most churches have not tapped into the resource of their own successfully married couples. If they are properly trained, they can make a huge difference in the lives of the young married couples and the lives of those who are dealing with problems.

(continued next week)

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ON SELECTING A MATE

PART 1

“Falling In Love”

by Mikal Frazier, LMFT, LPC

“You made me love you. I didn’t wanna do it; I didn’t wanna do it. You made me feel blue, and all the time I guess you knew it . . . You made me happy; you made me glad. And there were those times, dear, you made me feel so sad . . . Gimme gimme gimme what I cry for; you know you got the kind of kisses that I’d die for. You know you made me love you,” proclaims the singer from several decades ago. Wow, there is blame and pain and dependency and victimization, but we want it. Kingdoms and fortunes have been traded for it.

The phenomenon called “falling in love” is the “it” in the above paragraph. What creates the intense emotions in this state of being? What is really going on with us in this process? In a pamphlet titled “So Your Happily Ever After Isn’t,” the following criteria for romance are identified:

1. Somewhat insecure – unsure of the absolute love and devotion of the other. 2. Love object is a little bit strange or unpredictable. 3. There are barriers to your encounters. 4. There are limits on the time you can spend together.

The above criteria are the ingredients for the ecstasy and intensity of romantic love. Compare these to a list of characteristics of successful long-term marriages compiled by Francine Klagsbrun, author of _Married People: Staying Together in the Age of Divorce_.

1. An ability to change and to tolerate change 2. A willingness to live with the things one cannot change 3. An assumption of permanence in the relationship 4. Trust between the partners 5. A balance of depending on one another 6. A balance of power 7. Enjoyment of each other 8. A shared history that is cherished

There is no mention of the ecstasy and intensity of romantic love. Yet, for most of us, it is the first set of descriptions which lure us to the altar though none of us would describe our relationships in that manner.

Another thought on the matter is that we “fall in love” with potential. I have a cartoon displayed in my office. In it are two women, a blonde and a brunette, sitting at a table. They are discussing the date the brunette had the night before. The blonde asks, “So how did your date go last night?” The brunette replies, “Well, we didn’t have much in common and he slugged the waiter, but I think it’s got potential.”

Or is it the opportunity for us to marry someone through whom we can master old fears? Perhaps, as other theorists allege, our attraction is based on a “need to wipe out old pains or to settle old scores.” (_Systemic Family Therapy_ by W.C. Nichols and C.A. Everett, p. 155)

Genesis 26:34-35 and Genesis 28:6-9 paint another picture of the motivation to choose a mate. Esau married a Canaanite woman to anger his parents.

Whatever is behind this euphoric event of “falling in love,” for all of us it is short-lived. There must be more to the selection of a mate than the desperation described at the beginning of this writing. A responsible approach to selecting a mate will be the topic of my next few articles.

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PERCEPTIONS

“Dear God, Bless Bill, Amen”

by Jim Howard

Prayer is an enormously powerful resource. James wrote, “The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective” (James 5:16). Sometimes we get so caught up with our busy schedules that we “pray on the run.” There’s nothing wrong with that. After all Peter prayed pretty fervently when his walk on the water turned into a “sinking experience.” Jim Howard calls our attention to the temptation to make prayer a flippant experience. You can read his thoughts

at

http://www.allaboutfamilies.org/sh/percep2000243.html

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If you have questions about marriage and family relationships, you can “ASK THE COUNSELOR.” Address your questions to Mikal Frazier. Her address is <>