[From one of my clients. Rowland Croucher].

Divorce Shame and Healing.

Divorced people not only heap feelings of guilt, failure and shame upon themsleves, they are also very sensitive to, and acutely aware of, the suspicion and judgement of others. It is either, “Why did they do that terrible thing?” or “What did they do to deserve that terrible thing?” A no-win situation.

Single people are also stereotyped as being desperate, leading to isolation. Pastors are instructed at Seminary to avoid single women (I was once married to a pastor so I know this to be true of his pastoral training). Yet personally I know of six pastors, Baptist, Anglican, Presbyterian and a Brethren Theological College lecturer, who had to leave the ministry because they all had affairs – with married women! These pastors simply had no control of their egos or hormones – no moral strength.

It is very old fashioned to always blame the women; as I remember, it takes two to tango. Single people don’t need this isolation and stereotyping. In the absence of female pastoral workers, male pastors need to get on with spiritual nurturing, professionally and in full self-control. Then maybe single people would be less vulnerable to suicide and other desperate acts.

The isolation of divorce and sole-parenting is agonising. I cannot overstate that. I have been on my own with my four children for nine years, with no child support and no respite (my husband left for a new life in South East Asia). My marriage experiences have left me content to be single, not because I do not long for an intimate relationship with a man, but because fear is by far the overriding emotion.

It takes years to get over the pain of divorce. I would say it took me two years before I even started to recover, and a further two before I really found myself again. Today my main problems are associated with the fact that church activities are generally built around the traditional view of a family (i.e. two parents, two children and at least one ful-time income) so church activities are often costly. Also “families” tend to befriend “families” and couples tend to befriend couples. If you are missing a member and you are too old for the youth fellowship then you just don’t qualify. The isolation is shocking.

But I have discovered that no matter how bad things are or have been, billions of people in this world have it a lot worse. I have learnt to take my eyes off myself. I have learnt the value of prayer in spiritual warefare. Satan wishes to disable us, God wishes to use us for his glory. We cannot go back, we can only go forward.

I have re-discovered the preciousness of an intimate personal relationship with God my compassionate Father with “everlasting arms”, Jesus my “friend who sticks closer than a brother”, and the Holy Spirit who is always with me, guiding me and ministering to my soul.

[Name withheld]