My dear special friends,

There are some aspects of this case study (from a female colleague-counselor here in Melbourne) which might resonate with some aspects of your situation…

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Steve’s moving out was a long-considered decision. But he said he did it primarily for the sake of his children. His coming to see me was merely an attempt at staving off the inevitable.

He and his wife Amanda came to see me together. Steve’s list of problems included no warmth, no sense of being loved and appreciated, being taken for granted, and hardly anything he did was ever good enough or ‘right’. He felt his only value lay in what he provided, what Amanda could use him for. She refused to be accountable or consultative in what she spent money on; and she was disinclined to work to earn any of the income she spent.

Amanda’s response? She spoke heatedly about why Steve didn’t deserve any of the above, and ending with the complaint that he was a wimp, he couldn’t relate to her in the way she wanted, but preferred to play golf than be with her. Steve’s facial expression said, ‘Why wouldn’t I?’

This is a classic tactical error women make in these circumstances. They sense male guilt and/or shame and go for the jugular. They think that if they can succeed in making him feel enough of a bastard, he’ll come to heel. So, they give vent to their stored-up pain and rage.

This manoevre succeeded in making Steve feel terrible about himself. There was nothing he wanted more than to escape from the way Amanda made him feel. He couldn’t wait to get back to the peace and quiet of his new quarters in the back half of a friend’s large house.

As time went on, Steve became more and more immune to Amanda’s manipulation. She told him the children thought he was a monster and that they would never forgive him. He gradually learnt that this wasn’t true and began to feel secure in his relationship with them.

I saw Amanda separately. I explained that it would be a good strategy to deal with her rage and not use her husband as a lightning-rod for it, so that Steve might perhaps drop his defences. That might enable him to listen and to start addressing issues.

‘You mean, I’m supposed to calmly allow him to walk out of my life?’ Well, I told her, it would be good if she could fake it until she was on firmer ground.

As therapy progressed, Amanda’s self-esteem started to improve. She was losing her victim look. She was also figuring out where the rage came from – previous encounters with some of the men in her life (starting with her father) which had left her wounded.

Steve eventually decided to take Amanda out to dinner to talk about reconciliation. Before he had a chance to speak, she socked it to him. ‘There’s nothing wrong with me,’ she said. ‘You’re the bastard who left. You’re the one with the commitment problem.’ Steve told me he was glad she felt better about herself, but if she thought he would find that approach helpful, she had it all wrong.

I saw Amanda and asked if she still wanted Steve. She said she did, but she wasn’t in any immediate danger of allowing him to win at anything. She refused to hear that her inability to be wrong or to stop criticizing or judging Steve could prove fatal.

In the end, Steve gave up. Having tried his best he closed the door and moved on.

There’s a big difference between being right and winning. Amanda lost her marriage and Steve, but she got to stay in the ‘right’.