THE SHAME OF IT ALL!

SCRIPTURE: ‘Let us fix our eyes on Jesus..who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at..the throne of God. Consider him…so that you will not grow weary and lose heart’ From Hebrews 12:2,3

My older sister Charlene remembers clearly the times I was first sexually abused by my father, whilst I was still in a cot! She and I were sharing a room at that time. Because the abuse began so early, I simply accepted it as a normal part of my life – just as sure as having a bath every night, cleaning my teeth before bed, etc. I had no idea what was happening to me, but as I grew older, I knew this was terribly, terribly wrong.

As a pre-teen I first began to identify the shame of it all – I felt used, isolated, resentful, anxious, guilty and totally valueless. I grew to hate myself, and was sure it must be my fault, although I had no idea why. I wished desperately that I had been a boy, because I assumed that in that case it might not have happened ( although I know now that boys are also sexually abused).

Like Jesus, I had to ‘endure my cross’ – I had no other choice. Many years passed where I felt such excruciating, debilitating shame, that I felt I could not even tell my husband! We had been married for twelve years, until one night, I trusted him enough to face the humiliation I had feared. His reaction was not one of blame, which I had thought, but of incredible gentleness. A new understanding developed between us which I had never dreamed of. I had believed that no one would ever accept me if they knew this terrible truth.

My father, a Church clergyman, had always told me no-one would believe ‘little me’, whereas so many people, but especially – and most importantly to me – my mother, of whom I was terrified – would totally accept HIS more important, authoritative word. I had been deceived by that lie all those years! I firmly assumed he was correct – that my word would never stand up against his. I envisaged my whole world would erupt if I ever whispered the words, ‘sexual abuse’! Even more so, if I tried to explain that the perpetrator was my father, a person so many folk revered as a Godly vicar.

Finally I realised my child-formed reasoning was all wrong. I became aware of God’s complete acceptance of me: that I was born a girl for a good reason. I realised, gradually, that the sexual abuse had never been my fault, but the result of my father’s own choice, and his deviant behaviour was not something I had to bear any longer. It was something over which I had no control, nor even did God. I was so precious to God, who had called me by name. God was my true Father, and had never violated or used me for any selfish reason. I was, and still am, a gleam in the eye of God, who accepts me totally and values me highly.I am God’s child who is loved unconditionally.

PRAYER: Thank you, dear God, that you made me unique, you see me as special, and you love me dearly. You give me hope and a future, and all your plans for me are good. Give me a glimpse today of my worthiness and my true value, which I can only, but always, find in You. Amen.

TODAY: Take a long, good look at yourself in a mirror. Smile at yourself. Look for all your best features, then affirm out loud, ‘ God is my true Perfect Parent, who loves me more than I can ever tell. I am a treasure to God, and I am learning to love myself too, because God made me as I am, and will use all of my life experiences, even the pain, for the Ultimate Good – not only to myself, but to those I know and live with’.

2002. Copyright. Julie-Anne Wingate. All rights reserved.