About 9 years ago I discovered one of the most shocking things that a mother could know….that her beautiful, only daughter had been a victim of childhood sexual abuse. It had been her secret for many years, only brave enough to reveal it at about age 15. All I knew was that I believed her – I couldn’t have denied it as her behavior indicated that something was terribly wrong in her life. I felt shocked, angry, confused, alone and afraid. I didn’t know what to do or where to go. I knew very little about sexual abuse, but I was determined to find out and I was going to do everything I could to stand with her as she recovered.

Back then I feel I was very naive, especially about sexual abuse within the church. Who did I know who could help me??? Somewhere vaguely in my memory I recalled an acquaintance telling me (ever so vaguely as we watched our sons play basketball one day) that she counselled victims of sexual abuse. It meant nothing to me at the time but now it seemed my life saver. I called her almost frantically and drove miles to her office in a blur of tears and shock. I hardly knew what I was saying as I seemed dazed and in a state of grief but I was sure that she understood and we met many times after that. She always understood even when friends didn’t. She was such a strength to us.

I do recall her telling me that my daughter would recover but it would take time, a very long time. I am glad that I didn’t realise that night how long. So far it has been 9 long years but I can now confidently say that I can see her recovering well and moving from victim to survivor. They have been nightmarish and hellish years, but can I also just now see some beautiful moments as we have been drawn closer due to the pain we have shared together.

Abuse was bad enough but I was so unprepared for the misunderstanding, the comments, (sometimes cruel, often just thoughtless) that became a part of our journey over the years. Her abuse occurred within the church. To me the church was always a safe place and I naturally thought that if I approached them that they would at least understand and offer support. Wrong, very wrong! Not only does sexual abuse happen within a church, so also does spiritual abuse. It is more expedient often to protect the institution than stand with the powerless victim.

The first sensible move seemed to be to approach Church Council. While they appeared to listen, they also commented, “Be careful what you say as you may just be charged for slander”. Seemed hardly reasonable when we were just sharing our honest story. Let’s be real about who could be charged here. They pushed the need for forgiveness VERY quickly. I am sure they felt it would be best to deal with it quickly and sweep the whole story under the carpet and then there was no possibility of “nasty stories” coming out within their structure. Codes of silence are very strong. I can now see why it takes a very brave person to tell their story. My daugher commented, “Sexual abuse was bad enough but when I had enough courage to tell my story and it was minimised by my church that felt almost as bad.”

There were other comments, probably too many to tell here but I will share just a few…

“She took until 15 to share her story???? It couldn’t have been that bad or she would have told it a long time ago. Don’t worry it happened such a long time ago after all. Just get over it.”

“It wasn’t really sexual abuse, the guy was only just experimenting with his sexuality.”

“You can’t really take too much notice of her anyway, after all she isn’t in a good way. She is rebellious and is on drugs and alcohol.”

“What EXACTLY did happen anyway? What did he do to her? If she is still a virigin it couldn’t have been sexual abuse.”

These were comments we heard over time from people and caused us SO much pain.

Then there were those misinformed counsellors within the church who without any training or knowledge of sexual abuse felt they held all the answers to her healing . By this time I had become much wiser in my own understanding. I had spent time reading, attending seminars, speaking to counsellors and victims. Often we encountered those who felt with one prayer and speaking out forgiveness, the pain of sexual abuse would disappear, recovery would be instant and the matter would never need to be addressed again. My daughter was discouraged by one counsellor from ever journalling or writing her feelings down, it was suggested it was better to forget everything.

Fortunately in all of this “seeming mess” and pain God did bring across our lives informed and caring people who would walk this long journey with us. I now see that healing almost always takes time, often a very long time. Forgiveness is important, but never instant; it is a process and not one act. It is not the first thing that should be suggested to a victim but rather after they have been validated, believed and grown stronger. The victim needs to be empowered ; it will take courage and commitment to forgive. It is so important to journey with a very specialised counsellor who really knows sexual abuse issues.

To be the mum of a victim has been a very painful journey, a lonely road ridden with loneliness and confusion, but I now consider it a privilege to have been called to support such a brave and beautiful young woman. To see a recovering soul brings deep joy, the feelings are bittersweet. I still am recovering from the pain caused by the minimisation from the church but I know that my God is a God of faithfulness and without injustice and that he is totally committed to us.