Relationships 101

What makes a relationship between people a good one? Is there a hidden secret? How can you have a close friend?

The secret of good relationships is talking the truth. When we learn the skills of truth talk, we reap the rewards of experiencing close, sweet friendships. Ephesians chapter 4 is the basis of truth talk. Truth spoken in love keeps women connected to one another. Truth spoken in love makes us relate smoothly.

Relationships get into trouble when truth talk isn’t happening. What keeps a woman from truth talk? Fear, ignorance, lack of training, inhibitions, guilt keep a woman from saying truthfully what she doesn’t like, desires to have, needs, doesn’t want to do. As women, we operate out of intricately developed patterns of relating to one another that are not straightforward, forthright and in the long run wounding to our relationships. We deal indirectly, beat around the bush, deny, manipulate, change the subject, use guilt, resort to put-downs, use inappropriate language (You ought to.You should..) and rarely express positive feelings of the heart.

Relationships demand integrity. Don’t leave another woman to try to surmise what the truth is. Truth is revealing what is on the inside on the outside. Women have bought into the lie that it’s more important to look good than to speak the truth in love.

What’s behind it:

 · A critic’s purpose is to expect a response which makes it clear to her that you have been affected emotionally by her criticism.  · When you defend yourself or argue, you underscore that the criticism is significant to you and he has succeeded in getting your total attention  · The critic is seeking unhealthy reassurance of his importance What to do:  · Don’t jump in the critic’s arena  · Surprise the critic by saying she is right  · Assure the critic she is right – in the area that she is right  · That says that she has not shot you down  · That says that her criticism has not hurt or surprised you Ask the critic for more understanding if they speak in vague terms to you – “Your attitude isn’t very good.” You seemed angry. You don’t have a caring spirit. It seems as though you want to hurt me. I was offended by your thoughtless remarks. ” NO CONCRETE MATERIAL.NO EVENT SITED..NO QUOTATIONS.LEFT GUESSING…WONDERING WHAT YOU HAVE DONE

DON’T SAY: Well, I surely haven’t meant to hurt you. I think I’m as caring as you are. You’re too sensitive.

Such defenses are untruthful and ineffective in stopping criticism. Your defensiveness only convinces the critic that she is absolutely right in her negative judgments about you. Proverbs 18:13, “If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame.

DO SAY: What is there about my behavior that makes you say my attitude isn’t good? What did I actually do that seemed angry to you? What actions of mine made you feel I don’t care about you? What did I say or do that made you believe I want to hurt you? Can you tell me what I said that offended you?

WHEN YOU RECEIVE A CONCRETE RESPONSE: Don’t argue. Agree as much as you can, “I guess that does sound a little angry, now that you say it back to me.” “I can see why that might make you think I wanted to hurt you.”

AFTER HEARING ALL CONCRETE RESPONSES: Say: “Would you like to hear how I felt at the time when you judged how my behavior appeared?” “Would you like to hear what I was actually feeling at the time and what I was hoping my actions would mean to you?”