Clergy/Leaders’ Mail-list No. 2-218 (Family Issues)

CLEVER PUT DOWNS WON’T HELP YOUR MARRIAGE

by Norman and Ann Bales (from All About Families)

For many years we’ve read the comics section of the daily newspaper. It’s amazing how a cartoonist can give the reader a slice of life in four panels. Recently, we found ourselves frowning instead of smiling at one of our favorite strips. A wife was encouraging her husband to do something more productive than watching reruns of high-speed police chases. She suggested carving decoys as a hobby. He couldn’t see the point in sitting in one spot for endless hours trying to shape a piece of wood. Here’s the one liner put down from the wife, “You’ve already perfected the sitting part.”

[The next day, in the same “comic”(?) strip the husband was again the recipient of another put-down. Apparently the writer thought another was needed to get the point across, whatever the point is.]

Clever line huh? Well yes, it is. And we’ll admit that it did seem funny when we first read it, but the more we thought about it, her one liner was really an attack on her husband, which she attempted to soften under the guise of good natured humor. You’re probably wondering, “What’s wrong with you two? Did you have sour pickles for breakfast?” We love a good laugh as well as anyone. That’s probably the reason we’ve been reading the comics all our lives. We’ve followed the funnies all the way from “Lil Abner” to “Zits.”

But think about it. Most punch lines are funny because it makes someone else look dumb, inept or lacking in understanding. Humor is often used as a weapon and a cowardly weapon at that. You can throw your barb at the other person with impunity. If someone takes offense, you excuse yourself by saying, “I was just teasing. Can’t you take a joke?” Granted we sometimes trade good-natured barbs with friends, but they are usually friends with whom we have built a mutual trust and it’s sort of a good-natured contest. We also make sure that we regularly affirm our high regard for our friends.

A lot of husband/wife humor comes out in the form of one-line put- downs. We congratulate ourselves on being able to put our spouses in their place. One person attempts to better his or her position by making the other person the brunt of a negative joke. That’s really not funny. Rarely does anyone ever criticize this practice. Sitcoms thrive on it. It’s an accepted way of life.

What’s wrong with it?

* In the first place, it violates the Golden Rule. The next time you throw one of those clever one-liners in the direction of your spouse, ask yourself, “How would I like this if I were on the receiving end of the same remark?” If you wouldn’t like it, you can be sure you’re not living up to the Golden Rule.

* Secondly, it isn’t kind. Scripture counsels, “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” (Ephesians 4:32). Someone has said that our words ought to pass three tests: (1) Is it kind? (2) Is it true? (3) Is it necessary? Clever putdowns fail all of these tests.

* Thirdly, it isn’t wholesome. In Ephesians 4:29, Paul wrote, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” How can put downs build others up?

We love the cliche, “Sticks and stones may break by bones, but words can never hurt me.” But we also know it isn’t true. Many of us remember negative remarks directed our way many years after they were spoken. If we teach a class or present a seminar, a hundred people can tell us how wonderful it is, but one negative remark makes a much stronger impression, especially if we thought it was unjustified.

Nobody’s going to banish one liner put-downs from the comics. Nasty insult swapping is not likely to disappear from television sitcoms very soon. But neither does anyone force husbands and wives to adopt these models of communication. Your marriage will be happier without them.

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