Romantic love is the single greatest energy system in the Western

psyche. In our culture it has supplanted religion as the arena in

which men and women seek meaning, transcendence, wholeness,

and ecstasy.

As a mass phenomenon, romantic love is peculiar to the West. We

are so accustomed to living with the beliefs and assumptions of

romantic love that we think it is the only form of ‘love’ on which

marriage or love relationships can be based. We think it is the only

‘true love’. But there is much that we can learn from the East about

this. In Eastern cultures, like those of India or Japan, we find that

married couples love each other with great warmth, often with a

stability and devotion that puts us to shame,, But their love is not

‘romantic love’ as we know it . They don’t impose the same ideals

on their relationships, nor do they impose such impossible demands

and expectations on each other as we do…

For romantic love doesn’t just mean loving someone; it means being

‘in love’. This is a psychological phenomenon that is very specific.

When we are ‘in love’ we believe we have found the ultimate

meaning of life, revealed in another human being. We feel we are

finally completed, that we have found the missing parts of

ourselves. Life suddenly seems to have a wholeness, a super-human

intensity that lifts us high above the ordinary pain of existence. For

us, these are the sure signs of ‘true love’. The psychological

package includes an unconscious demand that our lover or spouse

always provide us with this feeling of ecstasy and intensity.

With typical Western self-righteousness we assume that our notion

of ‘love’, romantic love, must be the best. We assume that any other

kind of love between couples would be cold and insignificant by

comparison. But if we Westerners are honest with ourselves, we

have to admit that our approach to romantic love is not working

well.

Despite our ecstasy when we are ‘in love’, we spend much of our

time with a deep sense of loneliness, alienation, and frustration over

our inability to make genuinely loving and committed relationships.

Usually we blame other people for failing us; it doesn’t occur to us

that perhaps it is we who need to change our unconscious attitudes –

the expectations and demands we impose on our relationships and on

other people.

Robert A. Johnson, The Psychology Of Romantic

Love, London:Arkana, 1983, pp.xi,xii

~~~

Christian marriage counselors usually define love more in terms of

actions and decisions than feelings. We know God’s love because he

did something, not because he felt something. We are exhorted to

love our spouses whether we feel like it or not. People who report

that they no longer love their mates are urged to engage in a series

of loving behaviors with the implicit promise that feelings will

follow.

The correct assumption behind this thinking is that the truth of

God’s Word is to be the basis for our actions. We are not to be led

by our erratic emotions, but are to follow biblical instruction

whether our feelings agree or rebel.

Larry Crabb, The Marriage Builder , Homebush

West, N.S.W.:ANZEA, 1992, p.113

~~~

People fall in love, but they decide to stay in love. Emotions change

like the weather, but love must be a determined commitment.

‘Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church’

(Eph. 5:25). ‘Encourage the young women to love their husbands’

(Titus 2:4). We must commit to love in a self-sacrificial way

whether or not the love is reciprocated.

Jerry White, The Power of Commitment, Colorado

Springs,Colorado:NavPress, 1985, p.88

~~~

Though some readers will disagree with me, love at first sight is a

physical and emotional impossibility. Why? Because love is not

simply a feeling of romantic excitement; it goes beyond intense

sexual attraction; it exceeds the thrill at having ‘captured’ a highly

desirable social prize. These are emotions that are unleashed at first

sight, but they do not constitute love. I wish the whole world knew

that fact. These temporary feelings differ from love in that they

place the spotlight on the one experiencing them. ‘What is

happening to Me? This is the most fantastic thing I’ve ever been

through! I think I am in love!’

You see, these emotions are selfish in the sense that they are

motivated by our own gratification. They have little to do with the

new lover. Such a person has not fallen in love with another person;

he has fallen in love with love! And there is an enormous difference

between the two…

Real love, in contrast to popular notions, is an expression of the

deepest appreciation for another human being; it is an intense

awareness of his or her needs and longings for the past, present and

future. It is unselfish and giving and caring. And believe me these

are not attitudes one ‘falls’ into at first sight, as though he were

tumbling into a ditch.

James Dobson, Emotions – Can You Trust Them?,

London:Hodder & Stoughton, 1980, pp.55-57