Clergy/Leaders’ Mail-list No. 3-086 (Practical Christian Living)

SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO TAKE THE HIT

by Mikal Frazier, LMFT, LPC

Has your child ever said something that only borders on disrespectful, but it really knocks you the wrong way? Has your spouse ever said that one nearly innocent remark that triggered your ‘fight or flight’ response? Or maybe you remember the escalating quarrels depicted in the classic WHO’S AFRAID OF VIRGINIA WOOLF? If just one of them could have decided to take a hit and let them both cool down, what a difference it could have made.

I am talking about the little verbal jabs we have all given and received on occasion. They are like little arrows intended to pierce the heart or push our buttons.

There are several responses I can think of when a verbal arrow has been delivered. One would be to ignore it. Sometimes that is healthy and sometimes it is not. Another would be to let the one sending the hit calm down and wait until an appropriate time to discuss the comment. A third way would be to calmly address the verbal arrow at the time it is delivered. When a child delivers the verbal jab to an adult, it might even be appropriate to calmly give a consequence.

A last way of reacting is to become angry and lash back. This would certainly not be a healthy response. Often there is then an escalating war of words with one jab after another. The receiver was not able to take the hit. The receiver who cannot take the hit is revealing his/her own inner pain.

When you are taking the hit and not having to respond in kind, you are being a container for the sender’s pain. When you can do this, the sender then must face his/her own pain and his/her failure to manage it in a healthy way. If you respond in kind, then the sender has accomplished his/her goal and the only purpose then is to win. No one learns anything. There is no growth.

Jesus addressed taking a hit in Matthew 5:39. He said, “Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also.” Again, Jesus has the answer.

Take the hit. It will be growth for you. Your response will give the sender the opportunity to grow and you will be acting in a Christ-like manner.

– Mikal Frazier: <>

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