And Joseph went up from Galilee to Bethlehem with
Mary, his espoused wife, who was great with child. And she brought
forth a son and wrapped him in swaddling clothes and laid him
in a manger because there was no room for them in the inn. And
the angel of the Lord spoke to the shepherds and said, "I
bring you tidings of great joy. Unto you is born a Savior, which
is Christ the Lord."

"There’s a problem with the angel," said
a Pharisee who happened to be strolling by. As he explained to
Joseph, angels are widely regarded as religious symbols, and the
stable was on public property where such symbols were not allowed
to land or even hover.

"And I have to tell you, this whole thing looks
to me very much like a Nativity scene," he said sadly. "That’s
a no-no, too." Joseph had a bright idea. "What if I
put a couple of reindeer over there near the ox and ass?"
he said, eager to avoid sectarian strife.

"That would definitely help," said the
Pharisee, who knew as well as anyone that whenever a savior appeared,
judges usually liked to be on the safe side and surround it with
deer or woodland creatures of some sort. "Just to clinch
it, throw in a candy cane and a couple of elves and snowmen, too,"
he said. "No court can resist that."

Mary asked, "What does my son’s birth have to
do with snowmen?" "Snowpersons," cried a young
woman, changing the subject before it veered dangerously toward
religion.

Off to the side of the crowd, a Philistine was painting
the Nativity scene. Mary complained that she and Joseph looked
too tattered and worn in the picture. "Artistic license,"
he said. "I’ve got to show the plight of the haggard homeless
in a greedy, uncaring society in winter," he quipped. "We’re
not haggard or homeless. The inn was just full," said Mary.
"Whatever," said the painter.

Two women began to argue fiercely. One said she objected
to Jesus’ birth "because it privileged motherhood."
The other scoffed at virgin births, but said that if they encouraged
more attention to diversity in family forms and the rights of
single mothers, well, then, she was all for them. "I’m not
a single mother," Mary started to say, but she was cut off
by a third woman who insisted that swaddling clothes are a form
of child abuse, since they restrict the natural movement of babies.
With the arrival of 10 child advocates, all trained to spot infant
abuse and manger rash, Mary and Joseph were pushed to the edge
of the crowd, where arguments were breaking out over how many
reindeer (or what mix of reindeer and seasonal sprites) had to
be installed to compensate for the infant’s unfortunate religious
character.

An older man bustled up, bowling over two merchants,
who had been busy debating whether an elf is the same as a fairy
and whether the elf/fairy should be shaking hands with Jesus in
the crib or merely standing to the side, jumping around like a
sports mascot. "I’d hold off on the reindeer," the man
said, explaining that the use of asses and oxen as picturesque
backdrops for Nativity scenes carries the subliminal message of
human dominance. He passed out two leaflets, one denouncing manger
births as invasions of animal space, the other arguing that stables
are "penned environments" where animals are incarcerated
against their will. He had no opinion about elves or candy canes.

Signs declaring "Free the Bethlehem 2"
began to appear, referring to the obviously exploited ass and
ox. Someone said the halo on Jesus’ head was elitist. Mary was
exasperated. "And what about you, old mother?" she said
sharply to an elderly woman. "Are you here to attack the
shepherds as prison guards for excluded species, maybe to complain
that singing in Latin identifies us with our Roman oppressors,
or just to say that I should have skipped patriarchal religiosity
and joined some dumb new-age goddess religion?" "None
of the above," said the woman, "I just wanted to tell
you that the Magi are here."

Sure enough, the three wise men rode up. The crowd
gasped, "They’re all male!" And "Not very multicultural!"
"Balthasar here is black," said one of the Magi. "Yes,
but how many of you are gay or disabled?" someone shouted.
A committee was quickly formed to find an impoverished lesbian
wise-person among the halt and lame of Bethlehem. A calm voice
said, "Be of good cheer, Mary, you have done well and your
son will change the world." At last, a sane person, Mary
thought. She turned to see a radiant and confident female face.
The woman spoke again: "There is one thing, though. Religious
holidays are important, but can’t we learn to celebrate them in
ways that unite, not divide? For instance, instead of all this
business about ‘Gloria in excelsis Deo,’ why not just ‘Season’s
Greetings’?" Mary said, "You mean my son has entered
human history to deliver the message, ‘Hello, it’s winter’?"
"That’s harsh, Mary," said the woman. "Remember,
your son could make it big in midwinter festivals, if he doesn’t
push the religion thing too far. Centuries from now, in nations
yet unborn, people will give each other pricey gifts and have
big office parties on his birthday. That’s not chopped liver."
"Let me get back to you," Mary said.

by John Leo, US News & World Report columnist
& author of a new book, "Two Steps Ahead of the Thought
Police."