“Well, Mrs. O’Connor, so you want a divorce?” the solicitor questioned
his client. “Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?”

“Oh, no,” replied Mrs. O’Connor. “Shure now, we have a carport.”

The solicitor tried again. “Well, does the man beat you up?”

“No, no,” said Mrs. O’Connor, looking puzzled. “Oi’m always first out of
bed.” Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again. “Well, does he go in for
unnatural connubial practices?”

“Shure now, he plays the flute, but I don’t think he knows anything about the
connubial.”

Now desperate, the solicitor pushed on. “What I’m trying to find out are
what grounds you have.”

“Bless ye, sor. We live in a flat–not even a window box, let alone
grounds.”

“Mrs. O’Connor,” the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, “you need
a reason that the court can consider. What is the reason for you seeking this
divorce?”

“Ah, well now,” said the lady, “Shure it’s because the man can’t hold an
intelligent conversation.”

…..

An elderly gentleman went to see his pastor and announced he and his wife
of almost 40 years are getting a divorce. The pastor was aghast. The
Pastor observed, “You two have raised five children, you have been faithful
supporters of the church, You are pillars of the community, why in the
world after 40 years together would you want to get a divorce?”

The man replied, “I can’t take it any more. It’s just got to the point
where all she ever does it talk, talk, talk, talk, talk.”

Trying to make some headway in discovering the root of the problem the
pastor asked, “Well, what does she talk about?”

The elderly gentleman answered, “I don’t know, she don’t never say.”

…..

Deductive Reasoning

Neighbor 1: Hi, there, new neighbor, it sure is a mighty
nice day to be moving.

New Neighbor: Yes, it is and people around here seem extremely
friendly.

Neighbor 1: So what is it you do for a living?

New Neighbor: I am a professor at the University, I teach
deductive reasoning.

Neighbor 1: Deductive reasoning, what is that?

New Neighbor: Let me give you an example. I see you have a dog
house out back. By that, I deduce that you have a
dog.”

Neighbor 1: That is right.

New Neighbor: The fact that you have a dog, leads me to deduce
that you have a family.

Neighbor 1: Right again.

New Neighbor: Since you have a family, I deduce that you have a
wife.

Neighbor 1: Correct.

New Neighbor: And since you have a wife, I can deduce that you
are heterosexual.

Neighbor 1: Yup.

New Neighbor: That is deductive reasoning.

Neighbor 1: Cool.

Later that day:

Neighbor 1: Hey, I was talking to that new guy who moved in
next door.

Neighbor 2: Is he a nice guy?

Neighbor 1: Yes, and he has an interesting job.

Neighbor 2: Oh, yeah what does he do?

Neighbor 1: He is a professor of deductive reasoning at the
University.

Neighbor 2: Deductive reasoning, what is that?

Neighbor 1: Let me give you an example. Do you have a dog
house?

Neighbor 2: No.

Neighbor 1: Fag.

…..

Haircuts – The difference between men and women

Women’s version:

================

Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That’s so cute!

Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn’t sure when she gave me the mirror.
I mean, you don’t think it’s too fluffy looking?

Woman2: Oh God no! No, it’s perfect. I’d love to get my hair cut
like that, but I think my face is too wide. I’m pretty much stuck
with this stuff I think.

Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you
could easily get one of those layer cuts – that would look so cute I
think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it
would accent my long neck.

Woman2: Oh – that’s funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything
to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder
line.

Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to
have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I
mean, look at my arms – see how short they are? If I had
your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

Men’s version:

=============

Man2: Haircut?

Man1: Yeah.

…..

After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, “It is time for
you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth so I want
you to kiss her.” Adam answered, “Yes Lord, but what is a ‘kiss?'”
So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by the
hand and took her to a nearby bush.

A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, “Thank you Lord, that
was enjoyable.”

And the Lord replied, “Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that and
now I’d like you to caress Eve.” And Adam said, “What is a
‘caress?'” So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam
went behind the bush with Eve.

Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, “Lord,
that was even better than the kiss.” And the Lord said, “You’ve
done well Adam. And now I want you to make love to Eve.” And Adam
asked, “What is ‘make love’ Lord?'” So the Lord again gave Adam
directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time
he reappeared in two seconds.

“Lord, what is a ‘headache?”

…..

The Rabbi, the Protestant Minister and the Catholic Priest were discussing bats
in the belfry and how to get rid of them. The Rabbi said that what you do is
smoke them out or, treat them like pigeons, and a shotgun blast will frighten
them away.

The Protestant Minister said that when you get them out you then nail
everything up and then the blighters won’t get back in again.

The Catholic Priest said that, really, there was a simpler way than that. You
just baptised them, gave them their First Holy Communion, and confirmed them
and then you never saw them again.