A boy came home from Sunday school, and his mother asked what he had learned that day.

“I learned a song about a bear,” he said.

Mom thought for a while, but she couldn’t think of a church song about a bear. “What bear?” she finally asked.

“Gladly,” the boy said. “Gladly, the Cross-Eyed Bear.”

…..

When Leah was three, a whole two years ago, she found a spider in her brother’s room. “Keel the pider Daddy, keel the pider, ” she implored. “But Leah,” I said, “spiders are our friends.” She thought about this for two seconds, and then said,

“No, the ants are our friends, they’re blowing in the wind.”

…..

One morning King Lion was strolling through the tall grass when he happened to meet Giraffe. “Good morning, Longneck,’ he greeted his subject. “Tell me, who is the strongest and most beautiful animal of all?”

“Oh, mister Lion, sir, you are the strongest and most beautiful of all,” Giraffe replied.

Lion strolled along, feeling very pleased. Around the next bend he encountered Zebra.

“Good morning, Two-tone. Tell me, who is the strongest and most beautiful animal of all?”

“Well you are,” snorted Zebra.

Lion shook his mane and lifted his head a little higher as he proceeded further. Behind a baobab tree he came across Elephant.

“Good morning, old Floppy-ears. Tell me, who is the strongest and most beautiful animal of all?”

Elephant didn’t even look up. He just grabbed Lion by the scruff of his neck, shook him a few times and then tossed him over his back.

Lion landed with a dull thud, but quickly got to his feet. “Okay, okay!” he exclaimed. “No need to stress just because you don’t know the answer!”

…..

Mary had a little lamb, its fleece was slightly grey, It didn’t have a father, just some borrowed DNA.

It sort of had a mother, though the ovum was on loan, It was not so much a lambkin, as a little lamby clone.

And soon it had a fellow clone, and soon it had some more. They followed her to school one day, all cramming through the door.

It made the children laugh and sing, the teachers found it droll, There were too many lamby clones, for Mary to control.

No other could control the sheep, since their programs didn’t vary, So the scientists resolved it all, by simply cloning Mary.

But now they feel quite sheepish, those scientists unwary, One problem solved, but what to do, with Mary, Mary, Mary…

…..

A missionary gets sent into deepest darkest Africa and goes to with a tribe there. He spends years with the people, teaching them to read, write and the good Christian ways of the white man. One thing he particularly stresses is the evils of sexual sin. Thou must not commit adultery or fornication!! One day, the wife of one of the Tribe’s noblemen gives birth to a white child. The village is shocked and the chief is sent by his people to talk with the missionary. “You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black woman gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man that has ever set foot in our village. It doesn’t take a genius to work out what has been going on!” The missionary replies: “No, no, my good man. You are mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurence – what is called an albino. Look to thy yonder field. See a field of white sheep, and yet amongst them is one black one. Nature does this on occasion.” The chief pauses for a moment then says, “Tell you what, you don’t say anything about the sheep, I won’t say anything about the white child.”

…..

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?” She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, “No, I won’t sleep with you tonight!” Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.

Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a graduate student in psychology and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.”

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, “What do you mean $200?”

…..

A young blonde came home from school and was heard by her mother reciting her homework: “Two plus two, the son of a bitch is four; four plus four, the son of a bitch is eight; eight plus eight, the son of a bitch–”

“Judi!” shouted her mother. “Watch your language! You’re not allowed to use swearwords like ‘son of a bitch'”.

“But, Mom,” replied Judi, “that’s what the teacher taught us, and she said to recite it out loud till we learned it.”

Next day Judi’s mother went to school with her daughter and right into the classroom to complain.

“Oh, heavens!” said the teacher. “That’s not what I taught them. They’re supposed to say, ‘Two plus two, the sum of which is four.’ ”