GODSHOME
Date: Thu, 4 Sep
From: Adrian Gilbert <>
This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise.
When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi.
As they “oohed and aahed” the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
“It’s free,” Peter replied, “this is Heaven.”
Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.
The old man asked, “what are the green fees?”.
Peter’s reply, “This is heaven, you play for free.”
Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.
“How much to eat?” asked the old man.
“Don’t you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!” Peter replied with some exasperation.
“Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?” the old man asked timidly.
Peter lectured, “That’s the best part…you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven.”
With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly.
Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, “This is all your fault. If it weren’t for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!”
…..
TOURIST IN D.C.
Date: Thu, 4 Sep 1997
From: Mark Desborough http://www.epix.net/~mdesboro/
Source: Unknown
A foreign visitor was being given a tour of Washington, D.C. one day by an American friend of hers. She was amazed at the size of the Monuments, the Congressional Buildings, and so forth. Finally she gazed upon the White House itself.
“My, that’s an incredibly large building!” she remarked.
“Yes, it’s pretty big, alright.” said her friend.
“Big? It’s huge!! About how many people work in there?” she asked.
“Oh…about half.”
…..
THE PRIEST AND THE PENGUINS
Date: Wed, 3 Sep 1997
From:
A priest was driving down the freeway with two penguins sitting in the back seat of his car. A police officer pulled the priest over for speeding & upon seeing the penguins said to the priest “what do you think you’re doing with those penguins, take them to the zoo right away.” The officer then let the priest go with a warning. The next day the officer saw the priest drive by in his sedan with the penguins. The officer pulled the priest over & he saw that this time the penguins had sun glasses on. He said to the priest “I told you yesterday to take those penguins to the zoo.”
The priest said “I took them to the zoo yesterday today we’re going to the beach.”
…..
4 POINTS
From: Kyelon Finley
1 666.000 the exact # of the beast
2. 666-6666 the pager number of the beast
3. the e-mail adress of the beast.
4. I would go to alcoholics anonymous meetings- but hey my mother didnt raise a quitter.
…..
THE GYNECOLOGIST
Date: Fri, 5 Sep 1997
From: Adrian Gilbert <>
A gynecologist, tired of his profession and wanting less responsibility, decided a career change was in order. After some serious thought he decided that being an engine mechanic, something he had enjoyed up to the time he entered college, would be a good profession.
However, it had been a long time since he had tinkered with an engine and he knew that to work on any of the newest engines and be able to compete with the younger work force, he would have to go to school. So he enrolled in a technical institute that specialized in teaching auto mechanics and pretty much aced the course.
The final exam however, required each student to completely strip and reassemble a complete engine. So it was with some trepidation he took on the task.
At completion, he turned the engine over to his instructors for evaluation and awaited his final grade. When the grades were handed out he did a double take at the 150% grade he received.
Rather confused, he asked his instructor how it was possible to have a grade like this. The instructor replied that it was really quite simple. He gave him 50% for correctly disassembling the engine, 50% for correctly reassembling the engine and an additional 50% for doing it all through the muffler.
…..
CONFESSION
Date: Fri, 5 Sep 1997
From: Adrian Gilbert <>
There once was a young Irish woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional she said, “Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.” The priest said, “Confess your sins and be forgiven.”
The young woman said, “Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.”
The priest thought long and hard and then said, “Take seven lemons and squeeze them into a glass and then drink it.”
The young woman asked, “Will this cleanse me of my sins?” the priest said “NO, but it will wipe the smile off of your face.”
…..
MORE BUMBER STICKERS 72. I bet you I could stop gambling. 73. I can resist anything but temptation. 74. I feel like a fugitive from the law of averages. 75. I hate to repeat gossip, so I’ll only say this once… 76. Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before. 77. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check. 78. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in laboratory rats. 79. We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated. 80. Time is what keeps everything from happening at once. APHORISMS
Date: Sat, 30 Aug 1997
…..
Date: Mon, 1 Sep 1997
From: Casey0
1. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
2. What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary.
3. Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
4. The graduate with a science degree asks, “Why does it work?”
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, “How does it work?”
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, “How much will it cost?”
The graduate with a liberal arts degree asks, “Do you want fries with that?”
5. Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.
6. A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
7. There’s so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?
8. Lazlo’s Chinese Relativity Axiom: No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats–approximately one billion Chinese couldn’t care less.
9. 668: The neighbor of the beast
10. Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.
11. Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
12. Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.
13. As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not important that you understand what I’m doing or why you’re paying me so much money. What’s important is that you continue to do so.
14. Boundary, n. In political geography, an imaginary line between two nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights of another.
15. May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
16. Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.
17. Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove.
18. My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
19. Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
20. For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.
21. My initial response was to sue her for defamation of character, but then I realized that I had no character–Charles Barkley, on hearing Tonya Harding proclaim herself “the Charles Barkley of figure skating”
22. The dumb are abused by the smart, and the smart destroyed by their own cunning.
23. The small are tortured by the large, and the large destroyed by their own momentum.
24. We are able to walk on air, but only as long as our illusion supports us.
25. On one occasion a student burst into his office. “Professor Stigler, I don’t believe I deserve this F you’ve given me.” To which Stigler replied, “I agree, but unfortunately it is the lowest grade the university will allow me to award.”
26. The mind is not a vessel to be filled but a fire to be kindled.
27. What a distressing contrast there is between the radiant intelligence of the child and the feeble mentality of the average adult.
28. I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they’ve always worked for me.
29. Some people are always forgetting that they don’t know anything.
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