The European Commission just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty’s Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase in plan that would be known as "EuroEnglish".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump for joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing enthusiasm in the second year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptance of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach a stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"’s in the languag ar disgracful and should go away.

By the 4th year peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". Furzermor, vords ending in "y" vil now end in "i".

During ze fifz year, ze unesesari "o" kan be droped from vords kontaining "ou". Similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kobinations of leters. For exampl, a singl "e" vuld replas "ea" and "u" vuld replas "oo".

After ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a rel sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand.

Ze drem vil finali kum tru!

GOLF

Israel announces that it will host an international, inter-faith golf tournament for clergy. When word of the tournament reaches the Vatican, the Pope calls in his curia and said, "Who’s representing us at this tournament?" "No one," they respond. "We have no world class golfers." The Pope thinks for a few moments and says, "What about Greg Norman? Why don’t we get him to represent us?" One of the Cardinals says, "Greg Norman? He isn’t a clergyman! He isn’t even Catholic!" "Ask him," the Pope answers, "I’ll make him a Bishop."

Norman agrees, plays the tournament and later visits the Vatican. "How did it go, Bishop Norman?" the Pope asks. "Great," Norman replies, "We came in second." "Second?" the Pope exclaims, obviously disappointed. "Who came in first?" Norman responds, "Rabbi Tiger Woods!"

CULT REPS

Having trouble with cult representatives? Try this strategy: When you see them approach, carefully bolt all windows shut. Open front and back doors and deadlock them so they can’t be opened from inside next time they’re shut. Invite them in, shut the door and sit down. Say you just have to go to the toilet, and will be back in a moment. Leave by the back door, locking them in. Catch a movie and return a few hours later, apologising for forgetting about them. If they still want to talk, say you just have to go to the toilet, and will be back in a moment.

CAR CRASH

A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it’s a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of the clerics is hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest’s collar and says, "So you’re a priest. I’m a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There’s nothing left, but we are unhurt. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."

The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God."

The rabbi continues, "And look at this. Here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Kedem wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then he hands the bottle to the priest. The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi.

The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest. The priest asks, "Aren’t you having any?" The rabbi replies, "No…I think I’ll wait for the police."

HEAVEN’S POPULATION

A man dies, and finds himself in heaven. St. Peter offers to give him the tour. They walk around a little, and the man sees Baptists worshiping God in a Baptist way, and Anglicans worshiping in an Anglican way, and Lutherans worshiping in an Lutheran way, and so on, till at one point they come to an enormous stone fortress with no windows or doors. Dimly, from within, they can hear the sound of wild partying. "Shhh," says St. Peter. "Be very quiet." The two tiptoe past the fortress in utter silence, and when they have left it a way behind, the man turns to St. Peter and says, "Why did we have to be so quiet back there? What’s in the fortress?" St. Peter answers, "Oh, those are the Catholics. They don’t know anyone else is here."