During an ecumenical gathering, someone rushed in and shouted, “The building is on fire!” Immediately,

The METHODISTS gathered in the corner and prayed,

The BAPTISTS cried, “Where is the water?”,

The QUAKERS quietly praised God for the blessing that fire brings,

The LUTHERANS posted a notice on the door declaring the fire was evil,

The ROMAN CATHOLICS passed a collection plate,

The EPISCOPALIANS formed a procession and marched out,

The CONGREGATIONALISTS shouted, “Every man for himself….”,

The FUNDAMENTALISTS shouted. “It’s the vengeance of God!”,

The PENTACOSTALS rebuked and bound the fire “In JEEEEsus’ Name!”

The JEWS posted symbols on the door hoping that the fire would pass,

The JEHOVAH’s WITNESSES passed out literature about the fire,

The MORMONS ran late-night T.V. commercials for free videos of the fire,

The CHRISTIAN SCIENTISTS agreed among themselves that there was not a fire,

The SCIENTOLOGISTS charged admission to the fire, and

The PRESBYTERIANS appointed a chairperson who was to appoint a committee to look into the matter and make a written report to the voting assembly.

…at which point the fire cowered and extinguished itself.

~~~ Are You a Man? ~~~

Take This Scientific Quiz to Determine Your Maleness Quotient

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:

a. Present it to the president of the United States.

b. Present it to the secretary general of the United Nations.

c. Take it apart.

2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?

a. Innocence. b. Idealism. c. Cherry bombs.

3. When is it okay to kiss another male?

a. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.

b. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)

c. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.

4. What about hugging another male?

a. If he’s your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.

b. If you’re performing the Heimlich maneuver. (And even in this case, you should repeatedly shout: “I am just dislodging food trapped in this male’s trachea! I am not in any way aroused!”)

c. If you’re a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that: (1) He is legally within the basepath, (2) Both of you are wearing protective cups, and (3) You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to cause fractures.

5. Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to…

a. …remember the deceased and console his loved ones.

b. …reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life.

c. …tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer’s disease and cancer.

6. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:

a. A cat. b. A dog. c. A dog that eats cats.

7. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She’s attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy — you’re watching a football game; she’s reading the papers — when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she’s not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?

a. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don’t want to rush it.

b. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you’ll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don’t want to hurt her by holding out false hope.

c. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen.

8. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her — sharing the joys and the sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the adventures and opportunities that the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?

a. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.

b. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.

c. Tell her what?

9. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:

a. “Do they need to eat or anything?”

b. “They’re in school already?”

c. “There are three of them?”

10. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?

a. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you’re not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.

b. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.

c. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody — and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife — is quietly trying to discard his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her.

11. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?

a. He was being tested.

b. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.

c. He refused to ask directions.

12. What is the human race’s single greatest achievement?

a. Democracy. b. Organized Religion. c. Remote control.

[Rate Your Guyness] was authored by humor writer Dave Barry of the Miami Herald, in one of his books

How to Score: Give yourself one point for every time you picked answer “c.” A real guy would score at least 10 on this test. In fact, a real guy would score at least 15, because he would get the special five-point bonus for knowing the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer’s disease and cancer.

~~~ Extra Baggage ~~~

There once was a rich man who was dying. While on his death bed, he tried to negotiate with God to have God allow him to bring his earthly treasures with him to heaven.

“God, please, I have worked so hard to accumulate all these riches. Can’t I bring them along?”

“This is very unusual,” said God, “but since you have been such a faithful steward, I will allow you to bring one suitcase.”

The man immediately had a servant fill a large suitcase with gold bricks. Shortly thereafter, he died. When he arrived at the pearly gates, he was stopped by St. Peter.

“I’m sorry sir, but you know the rule — ‘you can’t take it with you.’ You may enter, but the suitcase has to stay outside.”

“But God told me I could bring one suitcase,” the man protested.

“Well, if God says it’s O.K. — but I still need to examine the contents before you enter.”

St. Peter took the suitcase from the man, opened it, and, looking very puzzled, said to the man, “You brought pavement?”

~~~ Go Down, Moses! ~~~

“And the Lord God said unto Moses — and correctly, I believe …” – Field Marshal Montgomery, opening a chapel service …but he hadn’t heard the following:

God called down to Moses and said, “I’ve got good news and bad news. Which do you want first?”

Moses replied, “Most awesome God, if I have brought you any favor please give me the good news first.”

“Moses, the good news is that I’ve chosen you to deliver my people from bondage,” God answered. “I will force Pharoah to release my children by causing years of pestilence in Egypt. There will be plagues of locusts and frogs and incredible devastation upon the land. Pharoah’s armies will chase you as you try to leave, but do not fear because I will part the waters of the Red Sea to aid in your escape.”

“And the bad news?” Moses inquired.

“You have to prepare the Environmental Impact Statement,” God replied.

Jennifer Walker

~~~ Church Bloopers! ~~~

This is my compilation of actual Church Bulletin and Service bloopers. – Bertman :o)

* Our next song is “Angels We Have Heard Get High.”

* Don’t let worry kill you–let the church help.

* Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

* For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

* Weight Watchers will meet a 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

* Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday nights. She’s use the program herself and has been growing like crazy!

* The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

* This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

* Tuesday at 4:00 P.M. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

* Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing “Put me in my little bed” accompanied by the pastor.

* Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mother’s Club. All ladies wishing to become “Little Mothers” will meet with the Pastor in his study.

* This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

* The service will close with “Little Drops of Water.” One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

* Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the carpet will come forward and do so.

* The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.

* Thursday night–Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

* The Lutheran men’s group will meet at 6 p.m. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.

* A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

* 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

* The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

* At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

* The preacher will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, “Break Forth With Joy.”

* Today… Christian Youth Fellowship Sexuality Course, 8 p.m. Please park in the rear parking lot for this activity.

* During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A.B. Doe supplied our pulpit.

* The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.

* The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.

* The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s “Hamlet”: in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

* The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

* Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

* Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.

* Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

* The associate minister unveiled the church’s new giving campaign slogan last Sunday: “I Upped My Pledge–Up Yours.”

~~~ God Wins! ~~~

GOD MAY ALREADY BE A WINNER! (Actual story.)

BUSHNELL, Fla. – The other 20 million finalists might as well give up – one of the gold-sticker-laden sweepstakes entry forms and magazine sales pitches that show up almost weekly in most Americans’ mailboxes has been sent to God.

American Family Publishers sent its form, whose addresses and letters are computer-generated, to “God of Bushnell” at the Bushnell Assembly of God, a church in Central Florida.

“God, were searching for you. You’ve been positively identified as our $11,000,000 mystery millionaire,” the form read.

The fine print showed the Creator was merely a finalist but a letter with the entry form lured Him to try his luck. “Imagine the looks you’d get from your neighbors … but don’t just sit there, God, come forward now and claim your prize,” it read.

Bill Brack, the church’s pastor, read some of the letter to his congregation last Sunday. “I knew He was around here, but this, well, it was a surprise,” Brack told the Tampa Tribune.

He said he had not yet decided whether the church would enter the sweepstakes. “God has $11 million,” he said.

~~~ Kid’s Answers to questions on Marriage ~~~

What exactly is marriage? (Too many adults can’t answer this!)

“Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don’t have to give her back to her parents!” – Eric, 6

“When somebody’s been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her, ‘I’ll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get divorced, but you got to do one particular thing for me.’ Then she says yes, but she’s wondering what the thing is and whether it’s naughty or not. She can’t wait to find out.” – Anita, 9

Picky! Picky! How does a person decide whom to marry?

“You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one.” – Kally, 9

“My mother says to look for a man who is kind….That’s what I’ll do….I’ll find somebody who’s kinda tall and handsome.” – Carolyn, 8

We have a wide range of opinion on the proper age to get married;

“Eighty-four! Because at that age, you don’t have to work anymore,and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom.” – Carolyn, 8

“Once I’m done with kindergarten, I’m going to find me a wife!” – Bert, 5

So tell us, how did your Mom & Dad meet?

“They were at a dance party at a friend’s house. Then they went for a drive, but their car broke down…It was a good thing, because it gave them a chance to find out about their values.” – Lottie, 9

“My father was doing some strange chores for my mother. They won’t tell me what kind.” – Jeremy, 8

What Do Most People Do on a Date?

“On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.” – Martin, 10

“Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about love.” – Craig, 9

Smoochers! When is it okay to kiss someone??

“You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, cause she’ll want to have videos of the wedding.” – Allan, 10

“Never kiss in front of other people. It’s a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you….If nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours.” – Kally, 9

From a kids’ perspective, is it better to be single or married??

“You should ask the people who read Cosmopolitan!” – Kirsten, 10

“It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them!” – Anita, 9

“It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I’m just a kid. I don’t need that kind of trouble.” – Will, 7

– Source Unknown, edited by Bert Pasquale

~~~ Building Secure, SIR! ~~~

One reason the Armed Services have trouble operating jointly is that they have very different meanings for the same terms;

The Joint Chiefs once told the Navy to “secure a building,” to which they responded by turning off the lights and locking the doors.

The Joint Chiefs then instructed Army personnel to “secure the building,” and they occupied the building so no one could enter.

Upon receiving the exact same order, the Marines assaulted the building, captured it, and set up defences with suppressive fire & amphibious assault vehicals, established reconnaissance and communications channels, and prepared for close hand-to-hand combat if the situation arose.

But the Air Force, on the other hand, acted most swiftly on the command, and took out a three-year lease with an option to buy.

– As told by Bert Pasquale

~~~ Playing Chicken, Navy Style ~~~

Setup:

The chief of United States naval operations has released the following transcript of a radio conversation between a US Navy ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.

US ship: Please divert your course 0.5 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

Canadian reply: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

US ship: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert your course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert your course!

US ship: This is the aircraft carrier USS Missouri; we are a large warship of the US Navy. Divert your course now!!

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

The above story (and the 35 other variations I’ve heard of it) are verified URBAN LEGENDS i.e., never happened, made up, fictional.

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