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Humor

Lawyer Doubletalk


The following questions from lawyers were taken from official court records nationwide…

* Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

* Now, doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn’t know anything about it until the next morning?

* Q: What happened then?

A: He told me, he says, ‘I have to kill you because you can identify me.’

Q: Did he kill you?

* Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

* The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

* Were you alone or by yourself?

* How long have you been a French Canadian?

* Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

* Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.

A: That’s me.

Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?

* Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

* Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?

A: By death.

Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

* Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?

A: I’ll be three months on November 8.

Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?

A: Yes.

Q: What were you doing at that time?

* Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?

A: I used to be.

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

* So you were gone until you returned?

* Q: She had three children, right?

A: Yes.

Q: How many were boys?

A: None.

Q: Were there girls?

* You don’t know what it was, and you didn’t know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

* Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?

A: Yes.

Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

* Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?

A: Not yet.

* A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, “Your Honor, I’d like to strike the next question.”

* Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the Rose Chapel?

A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.

Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct?

A: No, you stupid, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!

* Q: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the man’s pulse?

A: No.

Q: Did you listen for a heart beat?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?

A: No.

Q: So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?

A: Well, let me put it this way. The man’s brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere.

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