Jones is driving past the state mental hospital when his left rear tire suffers a flat. While Jones is changing the tire, another car goes by, running over the hub cap in which Jones was keeping the lug nuts. the nuts are all knocked into a nearby storm drain.

Jones is at a loss for what to do and is about to go call a cab when he hears a shout from behing the hospital fence, where one of the inmates has been watching the whole thing.

“Hey, pal! Why don’t you just take one lug nut off each of the other three wheels? That’ll hold your tires on until you can get to a garage or something.”

Jones is startled by the patient’s seeming rationality, but realizes the plan will work, and installs the spare tire without incident. Before he leaves, he calls back to the patient. “You know, that was pretty sharp thinking. Why do they have you in there?”

The patient smiles and says, “I’m in here because I’m crazy, not because I’m stupid.”

Four expectant fathers were in Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor.

The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, “Congratulations sir, You’re the father of twins.”

“What a coincidence” the man said with some obvious pride. “I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team.”

The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man, “You sir, are the father of triplets.”

“Wow, That’s really an incredible coincidence ” he answered.

“I work for the 3M Corporation.” My buddies at work will never let me live this one down.

An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the nurse came back, this time she turn to the 3rd man – who had been quiet in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets.

Stunned, he barely could reply. “Don’t tell me another coincidence?” asked the nurse. After finally regaining his composure, he said “I don’t believe it, I work for the Four Seasons Hotel.”

After hearing this, everybody’s attention turned to the 4th guy, who had just fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side and after some time, he slowly gained back his consiousness.

When he was finally able to speak, you could hear him whispering repeatedly the same phrase over and over again.

“I should have never taken that job at 7-Up “I should have never taken that job at 7-Up “I should have never taken that job at 7-Up…

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.), but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, “I’d like to try the bet.”

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, “What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?”

The man replied, “I work for Revenue Canada.”

WIFE: “There’s trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor.” HUSBAND: “Water in the carburetor? That’s ridiculous.” WIFE: “I tell you the car has water in the carburetor.” HUSBAND: “You don’t even know what a carburetor is. I’ll check it out. Where’s the car?” WIFE: “In the pool.”

An attorney was asked to make a contribution to a worthwhile charity. His response was, “I guess you hadn’t heard, my mother is sufferring from a terminal illness and she has medical bills which far exceed her income. My brother is a disabled combat veteran. He is not only blind, but is in a wheelchair and he has to take ten different medicines a day. My sister is an only parent of three children since her huband died without life insurance. She has no college and scrubs floors for a living while moonlighting by taking in ironing. My wife is in a mental ward, and may never get out. My only child is in a drug rehabilitation program, but he left and no one can find him.”

Before he could get his breath and continue on, the fund raiser thought it wisest to end this and let the poor man alone. “You are correct, sir. I had no idea of your problems. Of course we can’t expect you to make a contribution with so many demands already on your income.”

The attorney nods and replies, “Exactly– why should I contribute to your organization when I don’t even give to my own family?”

A drunk decides to go ice fishing, so he gathers his gear and goes walking around until he finds a big patch of ice. He heads into the center of the ice and begins to saw a hole. All of sudden, a loud booming voice comes out of the sky. “You will find no fish under that ice.”

The drunk looks around, but sees no one. He starts sawing again. Once more, the voice speaks, “As I said before, there are no fish under the ice.”

The drunk looks all around, high and low, but can’t see a single soul. He picks up the saw and tries one more time to finish. Before he can even start cutting, the huge voice interrupts. “I have warned you three times now. There are no fish!”

The drunk is now flustered and somewhat scared, so he asks the voice, “How do you know there are no fish? Are you God trying to warn me?”

“No”, the voice replied. “I am the manager of this hockey arena!

————-

Teaching Math in 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1970: A logger exchanges a set “L” of lumber for a set “M” of money. The cardinality of set “M” is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set “M”. The set “C”, the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set “M”. Represent the set “C” as a subset of set “M” and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set “P” of profits?

Teaching Math in 1980: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math in 1990: By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question? How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers.

Teaching Math in 1996: By laying off 402 of its loggers, a company improves its stock price from $80 to $100. How much capital gain per share does the CEO make by exercising his stock options at $80. Assume capital gains are no longer taxed, because this encourages investment.

Teaching Math in 1997: A company outsources all of its loggers. They save on benefits and when demand for their product is down the logging work force can easily be cut back. The average logger employed by the company earned $50,000, had 3 weeks vacation, received a nice retirement plan and medical insurance. The contracted logger charges $50 an hour. Was outsourcing a good move?

From an article in this Tuesday’s Wall Street Journal, about the Dutch firm that has been hired to manage the International Arrivals Building at New York’s John F. Kennedy Airport:

The tile under the urinals in the Arrivals Building has that familiar lemony tinge; rubber soles stick to it. Over in Amsterdam, the tile under Schiphol’s urinals would pass inspection in an operating room. But nobody notices. What everybody does notice is that each urinal has a fly in it. Look harder, and the fly turns into the black outline of a fly, etched into the porcelain.

“It improves the aim,” says Aad Kieboom. “If a man sees a fly, he aims at it.” Mr. Kieboom, an economist, directs Schiphol’s own building expansion. His staff conducted fly-in-urinal trials and found that etchings reduce spillage by 80%. The Dutch will transfer the technology to New York.

“We will put flies in the urinals yes,” Jan Jansen says in a back office at the Arrivals Building. He is the new Dutch general manager, the boss as of noon today. “It gives a guy something to think about. That’s the perfect example of process control.”

A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, “How does this boat float?

The father replied, “Don’t right know son.”

A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked, “How do fish breath underwater?”

Once again the father replied, “Don’t right know son.”

A little later the boy asked his father, “Why is the sky blue?”

Again, the father repied. “Don’t right know son.”

Finally, the boy asked his father, “Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?”

The father repied, “Of course not, you don’t ask questions, you never learn nothin’.”

A man goes out and buys the best car available in the US or Europe, a 1998 Turbo Roadster. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it runs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light.

An old man on a moped, both looking about 90 years old, pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”

The dude replies “A 1998 Turbo Roadster. They cost $500,000.”

“That’s a lotta money!” says the old man, shocked. “Why does it cost so much?”

“Cause this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!” states the cool dude proudly.

The old man asks “Can I take a look inside?”

“Sure” replies the owner.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says “That’s a pretty nice car, alright!”

Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 15 seconds the speedometer reads 320.

Suddenly, the guy notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! Suddenly, Whhhoooooooooossssshhhhhh! Something whips by him, going 2, maybe 3 times as fast!

The guy wonders, “What on earth could be going faster than my Turbo Roadster?” Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whooooooooooosh! Goes by again! And it almost looked like the old man on the moped! “Couldn’t be,” thinks the guy. How could a moped outrun a Turbo Roadster?

Again, he sees a dot in his rearview mirror! WhoooooooshhhhhhhhKa-BbbbblaMMMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end.

The guy jumps out and it is the old man! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurt for certain. The guy runs up to the dying old man and asks “You’re hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?”

The old man replies “Yeah. Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!”