This joke was probably written by a Preacher! I just want you to know that my congregation does all these things and I’m still alive, and here to stay!

1. Look him straight in the eye and say “Amen” once in awhile. He’ll preach himself to death within a few weeks.

2. Pat him on the back and brag on his good points. He’ll work himself to death.

3. Start paying him a living wage. He’s probably been on starvation wages for so long he’ll eat himself to death.

4. Rededicate your own life and ask the preacher to give you a job to do. He’ll probably die of heart failure.

5. Get the congregation to unite in prayer for the pastor. He’ll become so effective some larger church will soon take him off your hands.

—–

“I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time. ” – Steven Wright

~~~ Basic Cooking/Food Terms ~~~

Arab coffee: Thick, black, bitter coffee, traditionally served in tiny cups at gunpoint, or found in graduate student’s offices.

Calorie: Basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by the average individual prior to taking a second helping of a particular food.

Frying Pan: Standard instrument of destruction for eggs, pancakes, and various vegatable matter. Remains may be removed from surface with diluted solution of sulfuric acid.

Microwave oven: Space-age kitchen appliance that uses the principle of radar to locate and immediately destroy any food placed within the cooking compartment.

Oven: Compact home incinerator used for disposing of bulky pieces of meat and poultry.

Porridge: Thick oatmeal rarely found on American tables since children were granted the right to sue their parents. The name is an amalgamation of the words “Putrid,” “hORRId,” and “sluDGE.”

Preheat: To turn on the heat in an oven for a period of time before cooking a dish, so that the fingers may be burned when the food is put in, in addition to when it is removed.

Recipe: A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils you don’t own, for a dish you’ll never make.

Tongue: A variety of meat, rarely served because it clearly crosses the line between a cut of beef and a piece of dead cow.

Yogurt: Semi-solid dairy product made from partially evaporated and fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste exactly the same as they sound. The other two are goulash and squid.

—–

A 92 year-old man went to the Doctor to get a physical. A few days later the Dr. saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.

A couple of days later the Dr. talked to the man and said, “You’re really doing great, aren’t you?”

The man replied, “Just doing what you said Doctor, ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.”

The Doctor said, “I didn’t say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful.”

—–

An American, a Canadian, and an Australian were sitting in a seedy bar enjoying a few beers. The American grabbed his beer, knocked it back in one gulp, then he threw the glass into the air and shot it with his handgun. As he set the handgun on the bar, he told the Canadian and the Australian that in the great U.S. of A they had so much money they never drank out of the same glass twice. Next the Australian drank his beer, threw the glass into the air and shot the glass with the American’s gun. As he was setting the gun back on the bar he proclaimed that in Australia they had so much sand that glass was cheap and he too never drank out of the same glass twice. Next the Canadian drank his beer, grabbed the gun off the bar, and shot the American. As he was setting the gun back on the bar, he told the Australian that in Canada we have so many Americans you never have to drink with the same one twice.

—–

A Singapore Ah Beng Joke

Long time ago in the western part of Malaysia, a rich tycoon wanted to know how happy a man can be if you can give him one wish . After many advises from his “Kay-Po” friends, he decided to select 3 people to test out his experiment.

The rules are :

1. The person can only have 1 wish. 2. The person will be put on a deserted island for 30 years. 3. They have to come back after the experiment to tell the world about their experiences. 4. Food (not liquor) will be provided.

After shortlisting 3 person from a possible pool of 3,000,000 ; they were given a press conference to say what they want to bring along to the island for 30 years.

Contestant #1 : Billy Klinton (USA)

“I want to have the 30 prettiest PLAYBOY centrefold girls so that I can make the most beautiful babies in the world” P/S : PLAYBOY is the magazine where beautiful women have no money to buy clothes.

Contestant #2 : Jon Mayjor (UK)

“I want to have 30 years supplies of Booze”

Contestant #3 : Ah Beng (SGP)

“I want Saa-Lim (Salim in English) Cigarettes. 30 years supplies so I can smoke until I song” P/S : Salim is the green packet cigarette cost 5.20 per pack

30 long years later, the 3 heros came back from their long adventure.

The world is eager to hear what the 3 men have to say …

1. Billy was at the press conference with close to 200 children and 30 estranged women. His first remark to the press : “It has been a long sexual experience for me and I am just wondering whether anyone care to buy a child. I will even throw in the Mother for Free”.

2. Jon was still suffering from the hangovers of the booze he had the night before BUT managed to muster enough effort to shout “God save the BEER. The Queen can drink the seawater”.

3. Surprisingly, Ah Beng brought back all his cigarettes and on first sight of the people, his first remarks were “$%^*#?x!! (Very vulgar Hokkien Words) Buay Kee Tua lighter leh !! (I Forget my lighter!)”

—–

A man is having a drink at a bar when he looks over and notices a drunk guy passed out at a table nearby. The bartender tells him the drunk is Mr. Murphy and asks the man if he could drive Mr. Murphy home. Being a good Samaritan, the man agrees. The bartender writes down the address and gives it to him.

The man walks over and tries to wake Mr. Murphy but Mr. Murphy is groggy and quite drunk. The man helps Mr. Murphy to his feet and Mr. Murphy falls to the floor in a heap. “Aarrggghhh,” the man says wondering how anyone could drink so much. He takes Murphy by the arm and practically drags him out to the car. Once there, he leans him against the side of his car while he looks for his keys. Mr. Murphy slides down to the ground. The man finds his keys and manages to get Murphy positioned in the car. He then drives to the address the bartender gave him. He opens the passenger door and helps Mr. Murphy out and the guy falls to the ground. Cursing softly now, the man helps him to his feet and practically drags him to the front door. He lets go of Mr. Murphy to knock on the door and the guy falls down again. He helps him to his feet as Mrs. Murphy answers the door.

“Hi, Mrs. Murphy? Your husband had a little too much to drink tonight so I gave him a ride home.”

“That was nice of you,” she says, looking around, “But….where’s his wheelchair?”

—–

“Food is an important part of a balanced diet.” – Fran Lebowitz

~~~ Chicken Little ~~~

Mrs. Fleshman goes to the butcher shop to buy a chicken for the Sunday meal. The butcher has only one scrawny chicken left. He puts it on the scale.

“Three pounds,” he says.

“That’s too scrawny; don’t you have something bigger?” Mrs. Fleshman asks.

He pretends to rummage around, and then puts the same chicken back on the scale, while pressing with his thumb.

“Three and a half pounds,” he says.

“That looks better,” says Mrs. Fleshman. “I’ll take them both.”

—–

Conducting a press conference, the super-star quarterback announced that he was retiring at the end of the season. Naturally, the press went into a frenzy, and there were many shouted requests of “Why ????”

The fading star said, “Oh I don’t know. As I looked in the mirror the other day at my nose which has been broken several times, I took several asprin for my headaches due to constant concussions & then looked down at my knees, bent and scared from four operations, and I just decided there and then that there must be a better way to meet some more congenial people more my own age.”

—–

There was once two French Legionnaires in the desert; they’ve been separated from their unit and are lost. They’ve been wandering for several days without food and water, and are nearly resigned to the fact that they will soon die from dehydration, when as they reach the top of a sand dune, they see a big, bustling market laid out before them. Naturally, they can’t believe their eyes and think it’s a mirage, but as they draw closer, they can hear the stallholders’ cries, and they eventually reach the market and realise that it’s really there.

So the legionnaires rush up to the first stall they can and cry to the stallholder, “Stallholder, we have been travelling in the desert for many days, and have had no food or water. We shall surely die soon unless you have some you can sell us – tell us, do you have any sustenance for us?” The stallholder shook his head and replied “I’m sorry, French legionnaire type people, but all I have to sell is a load of bowls full of jelly, topped with custard and cream, and lovingly sprinkled with hundreds and thousands.”

The legionnaires look at each other, mildly surprised, and move on to the next stall, where they ask the stallholder, “Mr purveyor of fine foodstuffs and the like, we have been travelling through the desert for days, deprived of the necessary beverages and foodstuffs which are required for survival. We shall surely die soon, unless you can sell us some skins of water.” The stallholder looked at them embarrassed, and confessed “Gentlemen, tragic as I admit it is, I have none of the ingredients necessary to life for which you ask me…all I have to sell is this large bowl of jelly topped with custard and cream and sprinkled with hundreds and thousands, with a little cocktail cherry in the middle at the top – there,” he said, pointing out the glace cherry. “I cannot help you..”

The legionnaires look at each other in desperation, and run on to the next stall, where they demand of the stallholder, “Look mate,” (cos they’d stopped talking funny all of a sudden) “we need water or we’ll die. We’ve been travelling without water for days and need some now. Do you have any you can sell us?” The stallholder looked at his curl-ended shoes in shame as he confessed, “Sorry, fellas, all I have to sell you is a bowl of jelly, with custard, cream and hundreds and thousands. I can’t help you. I’ll have to condemn you to a long and lingering death through dehydration.”

The legionnaires were really worried by this point, and they went through the market, stall by stall, asking each stallholder whether they had any water they could sell them, and thus save their lives, but each stallholder gave the same reply, all they had to sell was a bowl of jelly with cream, custard and hundreds and thousands.

Dejected and resigned to their grim fate, the legionnaires left the desert market and walked off into the setting sun. As they did so, one turned to the other and said, “That was really odd – a big market in the middle of nowhere, and all they sold was bowls of jelly with custard, cream and hundreds and thousands.”

The other turned to face his companion and replied, “Yes, it was a trifle bazaar.”