1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to laugh. 2. Multiply this number by 2. 3. Add 5. 4. Multiply it by 50. 5. If you have already had your birthday this year, add 1747. If you haven’t, add 1746. 6. Last step: Subtract the four digit year that you were born.

RESULTS:

You should now have a three digit number: the first digit of this was your original number (i.e. how many times you want to laugh each week). The second two digits are your age!!! It really works. If it didn’t the first time, try again! This is the only year it will ever work.(you’ll have to adjust the numbers)

HAND! Have A Nice Day!

—–

The Psychiatrist’s 23rd Psalm

The Lord is my external-internal integrative mechanism, I shall not be deprived of gratification for my viscerogenic hungers or my need-dispositions. He motivates me to orient myself toward a non-social object with affective significance, He positions me in a non-decisional situation, He maximizes my adjustment. Although I entertain masochistic and self-destructive id impulses, I will maintain contact with reality, for my superego is dominant. His analysis and tranquilizers, they comfort me. He assists in the resolution of my internal conflicts despite my Oedipal problem and psychopathic compulsions. He promotes my group identification. My personality is totally integrated. Surely my prestige and status shall be enhanced as a direct function of time And I shall remain sociologically, psychologically and economically secure forever.

—–

The Programmer’s 23rd Psalm

The Lord is my programmer, I shall not crash. He installed His software on the hard disk of my heart, All of His commands are user friendly, His directory moves me to the right choices for His name’s sake. Even though I scroll through the problems of file, I will fear no bugs, for You are my backup; Your password protects me; You prepare a menu before me in the presence of my enemies; Your help is only a key away. Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life, And my file will be merged with His and saved forever.

—–

A Variety of Wisdoms

* If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

* A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

* Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

* For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

* He who hesitates is probably right.

* Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

* No one is listening until you make a mistake.

* Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

* The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

* The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

* The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

* To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

* To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

* Two wrongs are only the beginning.

* Work is accomplished by those employees who have not reached their level of incompetence.

* The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

* Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

* The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.

* The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an approaching train.

—–

-= Top Ten Signs You Work in a Bad Office =-

10. Bathroom key tied to an angry ferrett. 9. Christmas bonus is a swig from the company thermos. 8. Office intercom is two soup cans and a piece of string. 7. Hard to concentrate with all those “60 Minutes” reporters hanging around. 6. Boss walks around wearing nothing but a Post-It note. 5. Every week, each cubicle is subdivided into four smaller cubicles. 4. Instead of Wite-Out, you’re encouraged to use mayonnaise. 3. After a few hours on your desk, the people in your family photos stop smiling. 2. Cafeteria lunch special is whatever got caught in the glue trap. 1. No desk chairs — everybody squats. —–David Letterman

—–

Genie

A MAN WAS WALKING ALONG THE BEACH WHEN HE CAME UPON A BOTTLE HALF BURIED IN THE SAND. HE PICKED IT UP, AND WHEN HE STARTED TO CLEAN IT A GENIE POPPED OUT AN TOLD HIM THAT HE WOULD RECEIVE THREE WISHES. BUT THAT THERE WAS A CATCH. EVERY THING HE WISHED FOR, HIS WORST EMENY WOULD RECEIVE DOUBLE. THE MAN THOUGHT ABOUT IT AND FIGURED THAT WOULD BE O.K. FOR HIS FIRST WISH THE MAN SAID. “I WISH FOR ONE MILLION DOLLARS IN CASH.” THE GENIE SAID, “YOUR WISH IS GRANTED, AND YOUR WORST ENEMY WILL RECEIVE TWO MILLION DOLLARS.” FOR HIS SECOND WISH THE MAN SAID, “I WISH FOR A LUXURIOUS APARTMENT ALONG THE COAST OF A TROPICAL ISLAND.” THE GENIE SAID, “YOUR WISH IS GRANTED, NOW YOUR WORST ENEMY WILL GET TWO LUXURIOUS APARTMENTS ON THE COAST OF A TROPICAL ISLAND.” THE GENIE SAID “MASTER, YOU HAVE ONE MORE WISH. REMEMBER, WHATEVER YOU WISH FOR YOU WORST ENEMY WILL RECEIVE DOUBLE.” THE MAN THOUGHT ABOUT IS FOR A BIT, THEN SAID, “GENIE, I WISH TO BE BEATEN HALF TO DEATH.”

—–

TIME

Imagine there is a bank which credits your account each morning with $86,400; carries over no balance from day to day, allows you to keep no cash balance, and every evening cancels whatever part of the amount you had failed to use during the day. What would you do? Draw out every cent, of course! Well, everyone has such a bank. Its name is TIME. Every morning, it credits you with 86,400 seconds. Every night it writes off, as lost, whatever of this you have failed to invest to good purpose. It carries over no balance. It allows no overdraft. Each day it opens a new account for you. Each night it burns the records of the day. If you fail to use the day’s deposits, the loss is yours. There is no going back. There is no drawing against the “tomorrow”. You must live in the present on today’s deposits. Invest it so as to get from it the utmost in health, happiness and success!

—–

In The News

Hot Stuff: US agricultural officials say consumers would use a thermometer to check whether hamburger meat is done. “or in the case of a Big Mac, a sledgehammer.” (Earl Hochman)

“So if you go to McDonald’s and you think your burger’s not done enough, to be on the safe side just dip it in your hot coffee.” (Jay Leno)

States’ Rights: Money magazine named Nashua, N.H., as the best place to live. It was due to the low crime rate. “Criminals never go near the place except when they’re running in the New Hampshire primary.” (Argus Hamilton)

—–

Open Spaces Cranial

Did you hear about the two Blondes that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater? They went to see “Closed for the Winter”.

—–

An English Professor wrote the words, “woman without her man is a savage” on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: “Woman, without her man, is a savage.”

The women wrote: “Woman: Without her, man is a savage.”

—–

Memory

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, “Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?”

“Outstanding,” Fred replied. “They taught us all the latest phychological techiniques-visulization, association-it made a huge difference for me.”

“That’s great! What was the name of the clinic?”

Fred went blank He thought and thought, but couldn’t remember.

Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, “What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?”

“You mean a rose?”

“Yes, that’s it!” He turned to his wife. . .”Rose, what was the name of that clinic?”

—–

Funny One Liner

What has three teeth and sixty feet? The front row at a Willy Nelson concert.

———

Cops and Robbers

These are actual events that took place in our bizarre world. Enjoy!

Custom officials in Peru became suspicious of a man and asked him to open a suitcase he had checked on a flight to Prague. Inside, they found 17 monkeys, 10 turtles, five dwarf crocodiles, two snakes and a lizard.

——————–

A Pensacola, Florida woman called police and indignantly complained that the two rocks of crack she’d bought were fake and, in fact, tasted just like baking soda. A helpful officer tested the drugs and determined it was real crack-so the woman was arrested for possession. The assistant to the police chief said, ” I guess stranger things have happened, but I personally have never seen them.”

——————–

A Buenos Aires police officer was hanging out with his girlfriend when a man on horseback approached and asked for a match. “I’m sorry, but I don’t have one,” said the officer. The guy on horseback must have really wanted a cigarette because he took out a gun and shot the officer in the chest.

——————–

A man armed with a beer bottle abducted a cat and demanded a Tickle Me Elmo Doll as ransom. The suspect picked up the cat from the front lawn and banged at the front door of the house. A woman opened the door and was shocked to see her cat being held hostage. “I had never seen this man,” the cat owner later said, “and I told him I don’t have his doll.”

The man then took the cat to his car and yelled: “If you want your cat back, gimme Elmo.” The abductor and the cat are still missing.

——————–

Cops in Allentown, PA discovered that a man who was arrested at the bus station with 280 small bags of heroin in his luggage had chewed the skin off of seven of his fingertips after being jailed. A police sergeant noted that, “this is certainly a strong indication that somebody somewhere is looking for him.”

—–

Thermos Flask

Paddy is walking across a building site and sees the foreman pouring coffee from a Thermos flask.

“What’s that you’ve got there foreman” says Paddy.

“A Thermos Flask” says the foreman.

“And what does that do?” says Paddy.

“Well”, says the foreman, “if you put anything hot in it then it stays hot, and if you put anything cold in it then it stays cold”.

“**********” says Paddy, “I must get myself one of those.”

Next days Paddy is sitting having his lunch when in comes Mick.

“What’s that there Paddy” says Mick.

“A Thermos Flask” says Paddy.

“And what does that do?” says Mick.

“Well”, says Paddy, “if you put anything hot in it then it stays hot, and if you put anything cold in it then it stays cold”.

“That’s marvellous”, says Mick, “and what have you got in there?”

“Well”, says Paddy, “Two cups of tea and an ice-cream”

—–

Hugs

*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~* HUGGING *~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~* It’s wondrous what a hug can do. A hug can cheer you when you’re blue A hug can say, “I love you so,” Or, “I hate to see you go.” A hug is “Welcome back again.” And “Great to see you! Where ‘er you been?” A hug can soothe a small child’s pain And bring a rainbow after rain. The hug, there’s just no doubt about it — We scarcely could survive without it! A hug delights and warms and charms; It must be why God gave us arms. Hugs are great for fathers and mothers, Sweet for sisters, swell for brothers; And chances are your favorite aunts love them more than potted plants. Kittens crave them, puppies love them, Heads of states are not above them. A hug can break the language barrier And make your travel so much merrier. No need to fret about your store of ’em; The more you give, the more there’s more of ’em. So stretch those arms without delay And give someone a hug today!

—–

Backwood Rules of Etiquette

PERSONAL HYGIENE…

– While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one’s OWN truck keys.

– Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

– Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman’s jewelry and alter the tastes of finger foods.

DINING OUT…

– When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to “bruise” the fruit of the vine.

– If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME…

– A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

– Do not allow the dog to eat at the table. . . no matter how good his manners are.

DATING (Outside the Family)

– Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date.

– Be aggressive! Let her know you are interested: “I’ve been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men’s bathroom wall two years ago.”

– Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say “Monday.” If the latter is the answer, it is the boy’s responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE…

– Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.

– Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can’t hear you.

WEDDINGS…

– Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

– Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

– For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.

– Though uncomfortable, say “yes” to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE…

– Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.

– When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

– Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.

– When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

– Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.

– Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS…

– Never take a beer to a job interview.

– Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

– It’s considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

– If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

– Even if you’re certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

—–

Watering Holes

A bloke goes into a pub, takes a seat at the bar, and orders five pots.

The barman gives him an odd look since the bloke’s all by himself, but he serves up the five pots and lines them up on the bar. The bloke downs them…. One, Two, Three, Four, Five. He finishes the last one and calls to the barman, “Four pots, please, mate!”

The barman serves up four pots and lines them on the bar. The bloke downs them…. One, Two, Three, Four. Then he belches loudly, sways slightly on the stool, and orders three more pots. And one after the other, he knocks them back…. One, Two, Three.

“Two potsh, mate!” he calls, and the barman places two pots in front of him. Down they go…. One, Two. As the bloke slams the last one down on the bar, he says, “One pot, mate.” So the barman fills the glass.

The bloke sits there, staring at it for a moment, trying to focus. Then he looks at the barman and says, “Y’know, it’sh a funny t’ing, but the less I drink, the drunker I get…”

—–

HOW TO ARGUE EFFECTIVELY

I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don’t even invite me.

You too can win arguments. Simply follow these rules:

*Drink liquor.

Suppose you are at a party and some hotshot intellectual is expounding on the economy of Peru, a subject you know nothing about. If you’re drinking some health-fanatic drink like grapefruit juice, you’ll hang back, afraid to display your ignorance, while the hotshot enthralls your date. But if you drink several large martinis, you’ll discover you have STRONG VIEWS about the Peruvian economy. You’ll be a WEALTH of information. You’ll argue forcefully, offering searing insights and possibly upsetting furniture. People will be impressed. Some may leave the room.

*Make things up.

Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to prove that Peruvians are underpaid, a position you base solely on the fact that YOU are underpaid, and you’ll be damned if you’re going to let a bunch of Peruvians be better off. DON’T say: “I think Peruvians are underpaid.” Say instead: “The average Peruvian’s salary in 1981 dollars adjusted for the revised tax base is $1,452.81 per annum, which is $836.07 before the mean gross poverty level.”

NOTE: Always make up exact figures.

If an opponent asks you where you got your information, make THAT up too.

Say: “This information comes from Dr. Hovel T. Moon’s study for the Buford Commission published on May 9, 1982. Didn’t you read it?” Say this in the same tone of voice you would use to say, “You left your soiled underwear in my bathroom.”

*Use meaningless but weighty-sounding words and phrases. Memorize this list:

Let me put it this way In terms of Vis-a-vis Per se As it were Qua So to speak

You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as “QED”, “e.g.”, and “i.e.” These are all short for “I speak Latin, and you don’t.”

Here’s how to use these words and phrases. Suppose you want to say, “Peruvians would like to order appetizers more often, but they don’t have enough money.”

You never win arguments talking like that. But you WILL win if you say, “Let me put it this way. In terms of appetizers vis-=E0-vis Peruvians qua Peruvians, they would like to order them more often, so to speak, but they do not have enough money per se, as it were. QED”

Only a fool would challenge that statement.

*Use snappy and irrelevant comebacks.

You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevant phrases to fire back at your opponents when they make valid points. The best are:

You’re begging the question. You’re being defensive. Don’t compare apples to oranges. What are your parameters?

This last one is especially valuable. Nobody (other than engineers and policy wonks) has the vaguest idea what “parameters” means.

Here’s how to use your comebacks:

You say: As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873… Your opponent says: Lincoln died in 1865. You say: You’re begging the question.

You say: Liberians, like most Asians… Your opponent says: Liberia is in Africa. You say: You’re being defensive.

*Compare your opponent to Adolf Hitler.

This is your heavy artillery, for when your opponent is obviously right and you are spectacularly wrong. Bring Hitler up subtly. Say, “That sounds suspiciously like something Adolf Hitler might say,” or “You certainly do remind me of Adolf Hitler.”

So that’s it. You now know how to out-argue anybody. Do not try to pull any of this on people who generally carry weapons.

———

The Smiths were shown into the dentist’s office, where Mr. Smith made it clear he was in a big hurry.

“No fancy stuff, Doctor,” he ordered, “No gas or needles or any of that stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with.”

“I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you,” said the dentist admiringly. “Now, which tooth is it?”

Mr. Smith turned to his wife… “Show him, honey.”

—–

Moses, Jesus, and an old man are golfing. Moses steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Moses parts the water and chips the ball onto the green.

Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Jesus just walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green.

The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and heads for the water trap. But just before it falls into the water, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in its mouth. As the fish is falling back down into the water, an eagle swoops down and grabs the fish in its claws. The eagle flies off over the green, where a lighting bolt shoots from the sky and barely misses it. Startled, the eagle drops the fish. When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out of its mouth and rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one.

Jesus then turns to the old man and says, “Dad, if you don’t stop fooling around, we won’t bring you next time.”

—–

A man is talking to the family doctor. “Doc, I think my wife’s going deaf.” The doctor answers, “Well, here’s something you can try on her to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn’t answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. Then you’ll be able to tell just how hard of hearing she really is.” The man goes home and tries it out. He walks in the door and says,”Honey, what’s for dinner?” he doesn’t hear an answer, so he moves closer to her. “Honey, what’s for dinner?” Still no answer. He repeats this several times, until he’s standing just a few feet away from her. Finally, she answers, “For the eleventh time, I said we’re having CHICKEN!”

—–

This Week’s Theme: The Internet!

~~~ You’re Hooked! ~~~

You know you’re addicted to the internet when…

Surfin’

* Your bookmark list takes 15 minutes to scroll top to bottom. * Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them. * You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to search. * When looking at a pageful of someone else’s links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple. * Your dog has its own home page. * You’ve already visited all the links at Yahoo and you’re halfway through Lycos. * You leave the modem speaker on after connecting because you think it sounds like the ocean wind…the perfect soundtrack for “surfing the net”. * You are so familiar with the WWW that you find the search engines useless.

Staying Connected!

* You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity or phone lines. * You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a cellular modem and a laptop. * All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net: 28.8…ISDN…cable modem…T1…T3. * When you turn off your modem, you get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one. * You can’t call your mother… she doesn’t have a modem. * You have comandeered your teenager’s phone line for the net and even his friends know not to call on his line anymore. * You laugh at people with 2400 baud modems. * Actually, you secretly distain them. * Even though you died last week, you’ve managed to retain OPS on your favorite IRC channel. * You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed to call 200 hours per month “unlimited.” * You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP… because you never log off. * Your friends no longer send you e-mail; they just log on to your IRC channel. * Your modem isn’t working, and after a few minutes you begin to sweat, your hands start to tremble… * You pick up the phone and hum modem signals to communicate with your ISP * You succeed.

Walk the Walk

* You find yourself typing “com” after every period when using a word processor.com * E__ven your night dreams are in HTML. * Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you’ve never had heart problems before. * You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives. * You check your mail. It says “no new messages.” So you check it again. There were 84 new ones …last hour. * Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box. * You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL. * You name your children Eudora, Mozilla and Dotcom. * As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your 1st instinct is: search for the “back” button. * You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom–and check your e-mail on the way back to bed. * You tell people you live at http://123.elm.street/bluetrim.html * You actually tred that 123.elm.street address. * You get a tatoo that says “This body best viewed with Netscape 1.1 or higher.” * You buy a Captain Kirk chair with built-in keyboard & mouse. * When channel surfing the informercials, you grab a remote control and double-click.

…and Talk the Talk

* You refer to going to the bathroom as “downloading.” * You start introducing yourself as “Jim at I-I-Net dot net dot au.” * You refer to your age as 3.x. * You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

Serious Warning Signs!

* You kiss your girlfriend’s home page. * You spend half of a plane trip with your laptop on your lap… and your child in the overhead compartment. * You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don’t have a clue when it happened. * You realize there is not a sound in the house and you have no idea where your children are. * Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like. * Your son tells you he’s had the beard for 2 months. * You miss more than five meals a week downloading the latest games from Apogee. * Your wife or husband says communication is important in a marriage… so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat. * You forget what year it is. * You ask your doctor to implant a gig in your brain. * You move into a new house & decide to Netscape before you landscape. * You tell the kids they can’t use the computer because “You’ve got work to do” and you don’t even have a job. * You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet. * Your spouse’s new rule: “The computer cannot come to bed.” * You don’t know what gender over three of your closest friends are because they have neutral nicknames. * You email this message to your friends on the net. You think about printing it out to show it to your others and… what others?!? – Compiled from various sources by Bert Pasquale

—–

This Week’s Theme: The Internet!

~~~ Highway “I” ~~~

“Information Superhighway?” Whew, lucky for us, highways are NOT like the ‘net. Hummm, what would “Highway Internet” be like?

* A highway hundreds of lanes wide. Most with pitfalls for potholes. * Privately operated bridges, overpasses, and intersections. * Each lane’s highway patrol has no jurisdiction in any other lane. * A couple of rent-a-cops on bicycles with broken whistles. * 500-member vigilante posses with nuclear weapons. * No signs. * Lost? Holler out the window at a passing truck to ask directions. * Ad Hoc traffic laws. * Some lanes would vote to make use by a single-occupant-vehicle a capital offense on Monday through Friday between 7:00 and 9:00. * Other lanes would just shoot you without a trial for using a car phone. * Spammers would be giant diesel-smoking buses with hundreds of ebola victims throwing dead wombats and rotten cabbage at the other cars. * Most cars have been assembled at home from kits. * Some are 2.5 horsepower lawnmower engines with a top speed of 9 mph. * Others burn nitroglycerine and idle at 120. * No license tags. * 237 onramps at every intersection. * No Offramps. Just cliffs.

– Compiled from various sources by Bert Pasquale —–

The Seven Deadly Sins of Gilligan’s Island

The Seven Deadly Sins of Gilligan’s Island theory is quite simple. Each of the seven characters on the island represents each of the seven deadly sins. Now, this theory seems to fit upon initial inspection, there are technical difficulties then you get down to THE MAN himself, Gilligan. Run with me on this one… Most obvious is the Professor, who fits PRIDE to a T. Any man who can make a ham radio out of some wire and two coconuts has to be pretty cocky. (His character was later revised and given a series of his own, called MacGyver.) For the sin of ENVY we need look no further than Maryann, who may have worn those skimpy little tops, but could never achieve Ginger’s glamour. (As an interesting and completely irrelevant side note, a nationwide survey of college students a few years ago revealed that the Professor and Maryann were voted the most likely couple to have ‘done it’ on the island.) And who could doubt for a moment that Ginger is LUST incarnate? Sure, the kids were supposed to think she was ACTING, but we all know what being deprived episode after episode was doing to her. You know and I know that glazed look wasn’t boredom, my friends. What kind of person takes a trunk full of money on a three-hour cruise? Mr. Howell gets my vote for GREED. We are now left with three characters and three Deadly Sins. We have Gilligan, the Skipper and Mrs. Howell to whom we must match SLOTH, GLUTTONY, and ANGER. You can already see, there is a Gilligan problem here about to emerge. Certainly we can further eliminate Mrs. Howell from this equation by connecting her with SLOTH. She did jack shit during her many years on the island and everybody knows it. This leaves ANGER and GLUTTONY, either of which the Skipper had no shortage. He was, after all, a big guy with the tendency to hit Gilligan with his hat at least once an episode. After much consideration, I have decided that he can easily do double-duty, covering the two remaining Deadly Sins. So here we have the Seven Deadly Sins trapped in an endlessly recurring Hell, hope always followed immediately by denial and despair, forced to live with each other in our TVs until the last re-run ends. And who is their captor? What keeps them trapped there, in this state of constant Hell? Gilligan. Gilligan must be SATAN. Think about it. One final thought… Gilligan always wore red.

—–

Three Pastors in the south were having lunch in a diner.

One said “Ya know, since summer started I’ve been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I’ve tried everything–noise, spray, cats–nothing seems to scare them away.

Another said “Yea, me too. I’ve got hundreds living in my belfry and in the narthex attic. I’ve even had the place fumigated, and they won’t go away.”

The third said, “I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church… Haven’t seen one back since!!!”

—–

Birth Control Pills

Mrs. Smith, an elderly woman, went into the doctor’s office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, “I’d like to have some birth control pills.”

Quite surprised, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, “Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you’re 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?”

The woman responded, “They help me sleep better.”

The doctor thought some more and continued, “How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?”

The woman said, “I put them in my granddaughter’s orange juice and I sleep better at night.”

—–

ONE-LINERS

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty. Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t. I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe. He’s not dead, He’s electroencephalographically challenged. She’s always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you. I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges. Honk if you love peace and quiet. Pardon my driving, I am reloading. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular? Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool. Diplomacy is saying “nice doggy” until you find a rock. A day without sun shine is like, you know, night. Save the whales. Collect the whole set. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. On the other hand, you have different fingers. Change is inevitable. Except from a vending machine.

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~~~ The “Dark Side” of Email Groups ~~~

Many of you have participated in “open forum” email lists or newsgroups, and will all-too-sadly recognize the truth here:

Q: How many internet mail list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: 1,392:

1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the light bulb has been changed…

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently, 4 to complain that they were happy with the old one, 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs, 27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs, 53 to flame the spell checkers, 156 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list, 41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames, 109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb, 203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped, 111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts **are** relevant to this mail list, 306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty, 27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs, 14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs, 12 to flame the AOL users for violating netiqutte and blame them for starting this whole thing, 3 to post about links they found from the URLs that “are relevant to this list, which makes light bulbs relevant to this list,” 45 posts about weather or not AOL should even be allowed to exist, 33 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then add “Me Too,” 12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversey, 19 to quote the “Me Too’s” to say, “Me Three,” 4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ, 1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup, 47 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for, leave it here, and 143 votes for alt.lite.bulb.

– Original source unknown

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“Every week here at headquarters we get thousands of pieces of email, asking questions like ‘How do I get online?'”

– Heard on cable TV show (Think about it!) —–

“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” – Bob Hope

~~~ Good Business Sense ~~~

Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown NY City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer was quite taken aback, and requested collateral. “Well, then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce”, the man said. The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank’s underground parking for safe keeping, and gave him $5,000.

Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank’s doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. The loan officer checked the records and told him, “That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest.” The man wrote out a check, thanked the loan officer, and started to walk away.

“Wait sir,” the loan officer said, “while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow

The man smiled. “Where else could I securely park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?”

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~~~ When *I* was a Newbie ~~~

Parents always tell their children how rough they had it when they were kids. How will we tell the next generation about our early days on the Net?

Things to tell our children about the “golden age” of the Internet:

1. We were so poor, we had to read our email by candlelight.

2. Our town was so small, the electronic superhighway was a Japanese transistor radio.

3. Times were very tough for us. We could only afford “Internet-in- a-Bag.” And we were grateful!

4. We were at such a remote site, our hardwiring was battery jumper cables connected to a CB radio.

5. Our gopher had fur.

6. Our connection was so slow, it took weeks to upload every new Yanoff’s guide, which was out of date faster than we got it.

7. Our web site was in the top left corner of the kitchen cupboard, but at least it caught most of the flies.

8. “FIDO” was what chewed the cables.

9. “Prodigy” was the Sears Catalogue Outlet in town.

10. We were so poor, our IRC host was Mrs. Finebaum, the switchboard operator.

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BULLETIN BLOOPERS

1) Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

2) The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

3) The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

4) Evening massage – 6 p.m.

5) The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

6) The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.

7) Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.

8) Ushers will eat latecomers.

9) The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.

10) For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

11) The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.

12) The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, “Break Forth Into Joy.”

13) During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

14) Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on “It’s a Terrible Experience.”