So far today, I’ve done all right. I haven’t gossiped and I haven’t lost my temper. I haven’t been grumpy, nasty, or selfish.

But in a few minutes, God, I’m going to get out of bed and that is when I’m going to need a lot of help.

Amen

…..

A woman went to the beach with her children. Her 4-yr-old son ran up to her, grabbed her hand, and led her to the shore where a dead sea gull lay in the sand. “Mommy, what happened to him?” the little boy asked. “He died and went to heaven,” she replied.

The child thought for a moment and said, “And God threw him back down?”

…..

Dieting…

The following guidelines will assist your progress in dieting:

1. If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories. 2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, they cancel each other out. 3. When eating with someone else, calories don’t count if you both eat the same amount. 4. Foods used for medicinal purpose have no calories. These include any chocolate used for energy, brandy, cheesecake, and ice cream. 5. Late-night snacks have no calories. The refrigerator light is not bright enough for the calories to see their way into the calorie counter. 6. Cookie pieces contain no calories, because breakage causes the calories to leak out. 7. There are no calories in food eaten from someone else’s plate. 8. Movie related snacks are much lower in calories because they are part of the entertainment, and not one’s personal fuel. 9. If you are in the process of preparing something, food licked off utensils have no calories. Examples: Peanut Butter on a knife and ice cream on a spoon.

…..

A Japanese company and a California company decided to have a canoe race on the Columbia river. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance before the race.

On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.

Afterwards, the California team became very discouraged and depressed. The management of the California company decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A “Measurement Team,” made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.

Their conclusion was that the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the Californians had 1 person rowing and 8 people steering.

So the management of the California company hired a consulting company and paid them incredible amounts of money. They advised that too many people were steering the boat and not enough people were rowing.

To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the rowing team’s management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the “Rowing Team Quality First Program,” with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. “We must give the rower empowerment and enrichment through this quality program.”

The next year the Japanese won by 2 miles. Humiliated, the management of the California company laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. Then they used the money saved by giving a High Performance Award to the steering managers and distributed the rest of the money as bonuses to the senior executives.

…..

I saw a sign outside a restaurant: “Now Serving Food.” It made me wonder what they used to serve.

~~ Yum – I’ll Have Seconds, please! ~~

The following are actual menu items in which people have made incorrect use of English words and created some rather bizarre dishes:

Beef rashers beaten up in the country peoples fashion (Poland) Boiled Frogfish (Europe) Buttered saucepans and fried hormones (Japan) Cold shredded children and sea blubber in spicy sauce (China) Dreaded veal cutlet with potatoes in cream (China) French Creeps (L.A.) French fried ships (Cairo) Fried fishermen (Japan) Fried friendship (Nepal) Garlic Coffee (Europe) Goose Barnacles (Spain) Indonesian Nazi Goreng (Hong Kong) Muscles Of Marines/Lobster Thermos (Cairo) Pork with fresh garbage (Vietnam) Prawn cock and tail (Cairo) Rainbow Trout, Fillet Streak, Popotoes, Chocolate Mouse (Hong Kong) Roasted duck let loose (Poland) Sole Bonne Femme (Fish Landlady style) (Europe) Strawberry cr-p (Japan) Sweat from the trolley (Europe) Teppan Yaki, Before Your Cooked Right Eyes (Japan) Toes with butter and jam (Bali)

….. “If you’ve done six impossible things this morning, why not round it off with breakfast at Milliways, the restaurant at the end of the universe?” – The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

A customer was continually bothering the waiter in a restaurant; First, he’d asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.

Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn’t throw out the pest.

“Oh I don’t care.” said the waiter with a smile. “We don’t even have an air conditioner.”

…..

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and (you know what). Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, “Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you’re not there.” Then she asked, “Did you dance much?”

He replied, “I’ll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I’ll tell you…the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!”

…..

A nice Jewish girl brings home her fiancee to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. He invites the fiancee to his study for schnapps.

“So what are your plans?” the father asks the fiancee.

“I am a Torah scholar,” he replies.

“A Torah scholar.” the father says. “Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she’s accustomed to?”

“I will study,” the young man replies, “and God will provide for us.”

“And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?” asks the father.

“I will concentrate on my studies,” the young man replies, “God will provide for us.”

“And children?” asks the father. “How will you support children?”

“Don’t worry, sir, God will provide,” replies the fiancee. The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the fiancee insists that God will provide.

Later, the mother asks “So? How did it go?”

The father answers, “He has no job and no plans. But the good news is, he thinks I’m God.”