1. You think barbecue is a verb meaning “to cook outside.”


2. You think Heinz Ketchup is SPICY.


3. You don’t have any problems pronouncing “Worcestershire sauce” correctly.


4. For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits.


5. You don’t know what a moon pie is.


6. You’ve never had grain alcohol.


7. You’ve never, ever, eaten Okra.


8. You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.


9. You’ve never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you’ve seen are on road trips.


10. You have no idea what a polecat is.


11. You don’t see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.


12. You don’t have bangs.


13. You would rather vacation at Martha’s Vineyard than Six Flags.


14. More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of the same prep school in Connecticut.


15. You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.


16. Instead of referring to two or more people as “y’all,” you call them “you guys,” even if both of them are women.


17. You don’t think Howard Stern has an accent.


18. You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-and-knife show.


19. You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.


20. You don’t have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.


21. The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on an on-ramp on the highway.


22. You don’t have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.


23. The farthest south you’ve ever been is the perfume counter at Neiman Marcus.


24. You call binoculars opera glasses.


25. You can’t spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping.


26. You would never wear pink or an applique sweatshirt.


27. You don’t know what applique is.


28. Most of your formative high school sexual experiences took place within


29. the context of a football game.


30. You don’t know anyone with two first names (i.e. Joe Bob, Billy Bob, Kay Bob, Bob Bob)


31. You don’t have doilies, and you certainly don’t know how to make one.


32. You’ve never been to a craft show.


33. You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.


34. You can’t do your laundry without quarters.


35. None of your fur coats are homemade.

These are the names of well-known Christmas songs, rewritten in

PC (pretty convoluted). If you like puzzles, try to decipher them.

If not, just get a chuckle from matching up the translations!

Example: Heavenly beings at extreme altitudes my associates and I

perceved auditory stumulus emanating from.

Translation: “Angels we have heard on high”

1. Sir Lancelot with severe laryngitis

2. Boulder of the tinkling metal spheres

3. Vehicular homicide was committed on Dad’s mom by a

precipitous darling

4. Wanted in late December: top forward incisors

5. The apartment of two psychiatrists

6. The lad is a diminutive percussionist

7. I exclaim, a member of the round table with missing areas

8. Decorate the entryways

9. Cup-shaped instruments fashioned of a whitish metallic element

10. Oh small Israel urban center

11. Far off in a hay bin

12. Kong, Lear, and Nat Cole …that’s us!

13. Duodecimal enumeration of the passage of the yuletide season

14. Leave and broadcast from an elevation

15. Our fervent hope is that you thoroughly enjoy your

yuletide season

16. Listen, the winged heavenly messengers are proclaiming

tunefully

17. As the guardians of the woolly animals protected their

charges in the dark hours

18. I beheld a trio of nautical vessels moving in this direction

19. Jubilation to the entire terrestrial globe

20. Do you perceive the same vibrations which stimulate my

auditory sense organ?

21. A joyful song of reverence relative to hollow metallic vessels

which vibrate and bring forth a ringing sound when struck

22. Parent was observed osculating a red-coated unshaven teamster

23. May the Deity bestow an absence of fatigue to mild male humans

24. Rose-colored uncouth dolf is aware of the nature of

precipitation, darling. (Tricky)

Translations:

1. Silent Night

2. Jingle Bell Rock

3. Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer

4. All I Want for Christmas is my Two Front Teeth

5. Nutcracker Suite

6. The Little Drummer Boy

7. Oh, Holy Night

8. Deck the Halls

9. Silver Bells

10. O Little Town of Bethlehem

11. Away in a Manger

12. We Three Kings

13. 12 Days of Christmas

14. Go Tell It On the Mountain

15. We Wish You A Merry Christmas

16. Hark the Herald Angels Sing

17. As Shepherds Watched Theit Flocks By Night

18. I Saw 3 Ships on Christmas Day

19. Joy to the World

20. Do You Hear What I Hear

21. The Bells of Christmas Are Ringing

22. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus

23. God Rest You Merry Gentlemen

24. Rudolph (rude) the Red Nosed Reindeer (knows rain, dear)

– As modified by

– Original source unknown

 

Karl Barth, Paul Tillich, Reinhold Niebuhr and James Cone found themselves all at the same time at Caesarea Philippi. Who should come along but Jesus, and he asked the four the same Christological question, “Who do you say that I, the Son of Man, am?”

Karl Barth stands up and says: You are the totaliter aliter, the vestigious trinitatum who speaks to us in the modality of Christo-monism.

Not prepared for Barth’s brevity, Paul Tillich stumbles out: You are he who heals our ambiguities and overcomes the split of angst and existential estrangement; you are he who speaks of the theonomous viewpoint of the analogy of our being and the ground of all possibilities.

Reinhold Niebuhr gives a cough for effect and says, in one breath: You are the impossible possibility who brings to us children of light and children of darkness, the overwhelming oughtness in the midst of our fraught condition of estrangement and brokenness in the contiguity and existential anxieties of our ontological relationships.

Finally James Cone gets up, and raises his voice: You are my Oppressed One, my soul’s shalom, the One who was, who is, and who shall be, who has never left us alone in the struggle, the event of liberation in the lives of the oppressed struggling for freedom, and whose blackness is both literal and symbolic.

And Jesus writes in the sand, “Huh?” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~