The old geezer lived many more years, but unfortunately he kept telling everyone how he survived the Ohio River floods until they were bored to tears. Finally the old geezer died and went up to heaven. St. Peter met him at the Pearly Gates and said, “Welcome to Heaven! We’d like you to be eternally happy, so if there’s anything you’d like to do, anything at all, just tell me and we’ll fix it up for you.”

“Thanks,” said the old geezer. “I’d sure like to tell a bunch of folks about how I survived the Ohio River floods.”

“No problem,” said St. Peter. “I’ll make the arrangements and get back to you.”

A few days later, St. Peter contacted the old geezer and took him to the lecture hall where he was to give his talk. They both waited backstage while the audience got settled, and the geezer was pleased to see that it was rather a large crowd. The St. Peter grabbed the old geezer’s arm. “Now, I don’t want to make you nervous, but I’ve just spotted Noah in the crowd.”

A Joke: Q. How many egocentrics does it take to change a light bulb? A. 1. He stands under the lamp and expects the world to turn around him.

Q. What did the egocentric say after spending an evening telling some poor sucker how marvellous he is? A. “Well, that’s enough about me. So tell me, what do you think about me?”

“Today, I had a near death experience that has changed me forever. It all started when I went horseback riding. Everything was going fine, then the horse starts bouncing out of control. My cries of “Whoa!” and pulling back on the reigns went unheeded. I tried with all my might to hang on, but was thrown off. Just when things could not possibly get worse, my foot gets caught in the stirrup, causing me to fall head first to the ground. Unable to free myself, my head continued to bounce harder, as the horse did not stop or even slow down. Just as I was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Walmart manager came and unplugged it.”

“Human reason is like a drunken man on horseback; set it up on one side, and it tumbles over on the other.” – Luther

When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it.

The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.

Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, “Ah, yes, that’s Mozart’s Ninth Symphony, being played backwards.” He listened a while longer, and said, “There’s the Eighth Symphony, and it’s backwards, too. Most puzzling.” So the magistrate kept listening; “There’s the Seventh…the Sixth…the Fifth…”

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, “My fellow citizens, there’s nothing to worry about. It’s just Mozart decomposing.”

A man trying to understand the nature of God and asked him: “God, how long is a million years to you?” God answered: ” A million years is like a minute.” Then the man asked: “God, how much is a million dollars to you?” And God replied: “A million dollars is like a penny.” Finally the man asked: “God, could you give me a penny?” And God said, “In a minute.”

The price of giving all the items bestowed by the “true love” of the song “The Twelve Days of Christmas” may be a little beyond most people’s budget. The following costs were calculated for 1997, based upon a report issued in 1994 by PNC Bank Corp., assuming an annual rate of inflation of 2.5 percent:

(1) Partridge in a pear tree $38 (2) Turtle doves 54 (3) French hens 16 (4) Calling birds 302 (5) Gold rings 485 (6) Geese-a-laying 162 (7) Swans-a-swimming 7,538 (8) Maids-a-milking 37 (9) Pipers piping 2,807 (10) Ladies dancing 3,245 (11) Lords-a-leaping 1,194 (12) Drummers drumming 1,293

Total to give gifts once: $17,170 Total to give as in song*: $78,986

* Singing the song in its entirety results in 364 presents: The partridge is given 12 times, two doves 11 times (22 total), etc…