HUMOUR

From: “Sometimes I really wish I could be what I was when I wanted to

be what I am now.” <>

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A pirate comes walking into a dockside tavern. He has a wooden leg, a

hook instead of a hand, and a glass eye. He sits down at the bar and

orders a beer. The curious young man sitting next to him asks the

pirate how he came to have a wooden leg.

The pirate replies, “Well, I was standing on the deck of me ship one day

and a wave washed me overboard, then a shark came along and bit me leg

off.”

The young man then asks, “Well then, how did you lose your hand?”

To this the pirate answered, “Many years ago, I was fighting the

Brittish and one of the dastards cut me hand off! They couldn’t find a

hand, so they put this hook on me.”

The young man then asked, “How did you get the glass eye?”

The pirate replies, “I was standing on the deck of me boat, and a bird

crapped in me eye.” The young man, now completely confused says,

“That’s it? No fantastic story? A bird crapped in your eye and you

lost it?” The pirate says, “Well, it was me first day with me hook…”

…..

> Thought for today: Did you know that computers run on smoke? You can

> tell because if the smoke escapes the computer stops working…

*** Did you know that birthdays must be good for people? You can

tell because people who have had the most birthdays live longest.

*** Veni, vidi, velcro… I came, I saw, I stuck around…

…..

QUOTES ON THE NATURE OF THE UNIVERSE

Carl Zwanzig: “Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a

dark side, and it holds the universe together….”

Douglas Adams: “There is a theory which states that if ever anybody

discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will

instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and

inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already

happened.”

Albert Einstein: “Only two things are infinite, the universe and human

stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.”

Unknown: “Astronomers say the universe is finite, which is a comforting

thought for those people who can’t remember where they leave things.”

Edward P. Tryon: “In answer to the question of why it happened, I offer

the modest proposal that our Universe is simply one of those things which

happen from time to time.”

John Andrew Holmes: “It is well to remember that the entire universe,

with one trifling exception, is composed of others.”

Max Frisch: “Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that

man doesn’t have to experience it.”

Kilgore Trout: “The universe is a big place, perhaps the biggest.”

Woody Allen: “I’m astounded by people who want to ‘know’ the universe

when it’s hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.”

Douglas Adams: “In the beginning the Universe was created. This has

made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.”

William J. Broad: “The crux… is that the vast majority of the mass

of the universe seems to be missing.”

Rich Cook: “Programming today is a race between software engineers

striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe

trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is

winning.”

Fred Hoyle: “There is a coherent plan in the universe, though I don’t

know what it’s a plan for.”

Ray Bradbury: “We are an impossibility in an impossible universe.”

Christopher Morley: “My theology, briefly, is that the universe was

dictated but not signed.”

Edward Chilton: “I’m worried that the universe will soon need

replacing. It’s not holding a charge.”

Calvin and Hobbes (Bill Watterson): “The surest sign that intelligent

life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact

us.”

…..

“Well, Mrs. O’Connor, so you want a divorce?” the solicitor questioned

his client. “Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?”

“Oh, no,” replied Mrs. O’Connor. “Shure now, we have a carport.”

The solicitor tried again. “Well, does the man beat you up?”

“No, no,” said Mrs. O’Connor, looking puzzled. “Oi’m always first out of

bed.” Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again. “Well, does he go in for

unnatural connubial practices?”

“Shure now, he plays the flute, but I don’t think he knows anything about the

connubial.”

Now desperate, the solicitor pushed on. “What I’m trying to find out are

what grounds you have.”

“Bless ye, sor. We live in a flat–not even a window box, let alone

grounds.”

“Mrs. O’Connor,” the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, “you need

a reason that the court can consider. What is the reason for you seeking this

divorce?”

“Ah, well now,” said the lady, “Shure it’s because the man can’t hold an

intelligent conversation.”

…..

An elderly gentleman went to see his pastor and announced he and his wife

of almost 40 years are getting a divorce. The pastor was agast. The

Pastor observed, “You two have raised five children, you have been faithful

supporters of the church, You are pillars of the community, why in the

world after 40 years together would you want to get a divorce?”

The man replied, “I can’t take it any more. It’s just got to the point

where all she ever does it talk, talk, talk, talk, talk.”

Trying to make some headway in discovering the root of the problem the

pastor asked, “Well, what does she talk about?”

The elderly gentleman answered, “I don’t know, she don’t never say.”