Capitalism — He who dies with the most toys, wins.

Liberalism – I feel good playing with toys, don’t you. That is why I know I am going to heaven

Republicans – If you don’t repeal this tax on all toys, you will go to hell.

Hare Krishna — He who plays with the most toys, wins.

Judaism — He who buys toys at the lowest price, wins.

Catholicism — He who denies himself the most toys, wins.

Anglican — They were our toys first.

Greek Orthodox — No, they were OURS first.

Branch Davidians — He who dies playing with the biggest toys, wins.

Polytheism — There are many toy makers.

Evolutionism — The toys made themselves.

Church of Scientology — We are the toys.

Communism — Everyone gets the same number of toys, and you go straight to hell if we catch you selling yours.

Baha’i Faith — Let’s play with our toys together.

Amish — Toys with batteries are surely a sin.

Taoism — The doll is as important as the dumptruck.

Mormonism — Every boy can have as many toys as he wants.

Voodoo — Let me borrow that doll for a second.

Hinduism — He who plays with bags of plastic farm animals, loses.

7th Day Adventist — He who plays with his toys on Saturday, loses.

Church of Christ — He whose toys make music, loses.

Baptist — We have played with this toy this way for years, and we are not going to change.

Jehovah’s Witnesses — He who sells the most toys door-to-door, wins.

Pentecostalism — He whose toys can talk and jump, wins.

Confucianism — Once a toy is dipped in the water, it is no longer dry.

Non-denominationalism — We don’t care where the toys came from, let’s just play with them.

Hinduism — Hang the rule book! Let’s play!

Metaphysics — Toys are a figment of your imagination.

Agnosticism — It is not possible to know whether toys make a darn bit of difference.

Atheism — There is no toy maker.

Presbyterian – These toys were chosen for you to play with and these were chosen for me to play.

Apostolic Faith (Oneness Movement) – There is only one toy, and it is in our church.

Crystal Cathedral – There are no bad toy, and no bad toy players.

Methodist – Toys are toys are toys.

Assembly of God -It doesn’t matter how you play with the toys as long as more people join in with you.

Name-it-Claim-it – I have toys. I have toys. I have toys. I have toys. I have toys. I have toys. I have toys.

Word of Faith – Send me $100 and I will tell you “How you TOO can have more toys.”

Witchcraft – Toy making is killing our Earth Goddess.

     To Compute…

     Or Not To Compute…

     That Is The Question…

     Whether ‘Tis Nobler In The Memory Bank..

     To Suffer The Slings And Circuits Of Outrageous Functions…

     … Or To Take Up Arms Against A Sea Of… Transistors,

     Or Rather Transponders…

     Transcondu–

     Trans…

     Er…           Oh, To Hack With It.

~~~  The COBOL Programmer  ~~~

    Jack was once a COBOL programmer in the late 1990’s who (after

 years of being taken for granted and treated as a technological

 dinosaur by all the UNIX programmers and Client/Server programmers and

 website developers, etc.) was finally getting some respect.  You see,

 he’d become a private consultant specializing in Year 2000

 conversions.  He was working short-term assignments for prestige

 companies, traveling all over the world on different assignments.  He

 was working 70 and 80 and even 90 hour weeks, but it was worth it.
    However, several years of this relentless, mind-numbing work had

 taken its toll on Jack.  He had problems sleeping and began having

 anxiety dreams about the Year 2000.  It had reached a point where even

 the thought of the year 2000 made him nearly violent.  He must have

 suffered some sort of breakdown, because all he could think about was

 how he could avoid the year 2000 and all that came with it.
    By the end of 1997 Jack decided to contact a company that

 specialized in cryogenics.  He made a deal to have himself frozen

 until 2001 through their totally automated (and very expensive)

 process.  He was thrilled.  The next thing he would know is he’d wake

 up in the year 2001; after the New Year celebrations and computer

 debacles; after the leap year, and the dust had settled. Nothing else

 to worry about except getting on with his life.
    He was put into his cryogenic receptacle, the technicians set the

 revive date, he was given injections to slow his heartbeat to a bare

 minimum, and that was that.
    The next thing that Jack saw was an enormous and very modern room

 filled with excited people.  They were all shouting “I can’t believe

 it!” and “It’s a miracle” and “He’s alive!”.  There were cameras

 (unlike any he’d ever seen) and equipment that looked like it came out

 of a science fiction movie.
    Someone who was obviously a spokesperson for the group stepped

 forward. Jack couldn’t contain his enthusiasm.  “It is over?” he

 asked.  “Is 2001 already here?  Are all the millennial parties and

 promotions and crises all over and done with?”
    The spokesman explained that there had been a problem with the

 programming of the timer on Jack’s cryogenic receptacle, it hadn’t

 been year 2000 compliant.  It was actually 8,000 years later, not the

 year 2001.  But the spokesman told Jack that he shouldn’t get excited;

 someone important wanted to speak to him.
    Suddenly a wall-sized projection screen displayed the image of a

 man that had a striking resemblance to Bill Gates.  This man was Prime

 Minister of Earth.  He told Jack not to be upset.  That this was a

 wonderful time to be alive.  That there was world peace and no more

 starvation.  That the space program had been reinstated and there were

 colonies on the moon and on Mars.  That technology had advanced to

 such a degree that everyone had virtual reality interfaces which

 allowed them to contact anyone else on the planet, or to watch any

 entertainment, or to hear any music recorded anywhere.
    “That sounds terrific,” said Jack. “But I’m curious.  Why is

 everybody so interested in me?”
    “Well,” said the Prime Minister.  “The year 10000 is just around

 the corner, and it says in your files that you know COBOL…”