“Yes” said the barman.

“Well give the man a Guiness” he said.

A little while later an American walked in, sat down beside the Irisman and ordered a bourbon. “Is that Jesus over there?” he asked.

“Yes” said the barman.

“Give the man a bourbon” he said.

A little while later a Canadian Postal Worker walked in, sat down beside the American and ordered a beer. “Is that Jesus over there?” he asked.

“Yes” said the barman.

“Well give the man a beer” he said.

After He had finished His drinks, Jesus walked up to the Irishman, touched him on the shoulder and thanked him for the drink. The Irishman’s withered arm was immediately cured.

Jesus then walked over to the American, touched him on the head and thanked him for the drink. “Thanks” said the American “I’ve had a blinding migraine for the last 20 years and instantly it’s gone”.

Jesus then walked toward the Canadian Postal Worker.

“Don’t touch me ” he said ” I’m on workers compensation”.

Three monks decided to practise meditation together. they sat by the

Side of a lake and closed their eyes in concentration. Then suddenly, the first one stood up and said, “I forgot my mat.” He steeped miraculously onto the water in front of him and walked across the lake to their hut on the other side.

When he returned, the second monk stood up and said, “I forgot to put my other underwear to dry.” He too walked calmly across the water and returned the same way.

The third monk watched the first two carefully in what he decided must be the test of his own abilities. “Is your learning so superior to mine? I too can match any feat you two can perform,” he declared loudly and rushed to the water’s edge to walk across it. He promptly fell into the deep water.

Undeterred, the yogi climbed out of the water and tried again, only to sink into the water. Yet again he climbed out and yet again he tried, each time sinking into the water. This went on for some time as the other two monks watched.

After a while, the second monk turned to the first and said, “Do you think we should tell him where the stones are?”

“All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors.” – – Unknown

At the first bug of Christmas, the Help Desk said to me

1. See if you can do it once again.

At the second bug of Christmas, the Help Desk said to me

1. Tell us how you did it . . . and


2. See if you can do it once again.

At the third bug of Christmas, the Help Desk said to me

1. Read the users manual


2. Tell us how you did it . . . and


3. See if you can do it once again.

At the fourth bug of Christmas, the Help Desk said to me

1. Check your ini files


2. Read the users manual


3. Tell us how you did it . . . and


4. See if you can do it once again.

At the fifth bug of Christmas, the Help Desk said to me

1. Reinstall the software


2. Check your ini files


3. Read the users manual


4. Tell us how you did it . . . and


5. See if you can do it once again.

At the sixth bug of Christmas, the Help Desk said to me

1. Find a way around it


2. Reinstall the software


3. Check your ini files


4. Read the users manual


5. Tell us how you did it . . . and


6. See if you can do it once again.

At the seventh bug of Christmas, the Help Desk said to me

1. Wait for the next upgrade


2. Find a way around it


3. Reinstall the software


4. Check your ini files


5. Read the users manual


6. Tell us how you did it . . . and


7. See if you can do it once again.

At the eighth bug of Christmas, the Help Desk said to me

1. Use a different program


2. Wait for the next upgrade


3. Find a way around it


4. Reinstall the software


5. Check your ini files


6. Read the users manual


7. Tell us how you did it . . . and


8. See if you can do it once again.

At the ninth bug of Christmas, the Help Desk said to me

1. That app. is not supported


2. Use a different program


3. Wait for the next upgrade


4. Find a way around it


5. Reinstall the software


6. Check your ini files


7. Read the users manual


8. Tell us how you did it . . . and


9. See if you can do it once again.

At the tenth bug of Christmas, the Help Desk said to me

1. Try a different PC


2. That app is not supported


3. Use a different program


4. Wait for the next upgrade


5. Find a way around it


6. Reinstall the software


7. Check your ini files


8. Read the users manual


9. Tell us how you did it . . . and


10. See if you can do it once again.

At the eleventh bug of Christmas, the Help Desk said to me

1. Better get new hardware


2. Try a different PC


3. That app is not supported


4. Use a different program


5. Wait for the next upgrade


6. Find a way around it


7. Reinstall the software


8. Check your ini files


9. Read the users manual


10. Tell us how you did it . . . and


11. See if you can do it once again.

At the twelfth bug of Christmas, the Help Desk said to me

1. That’s a program feature


2. Better get new hardware


3. Try a different PC


4. That app is not supported


5. Use a different program


6. Wait for the next upgrade


7. Find a way around it


8. Reinstall the software


9. Check your ini files


10. Read the users manual


11. Tell us how you did it . . . and


12. See if you can do it once again.

In the movies:-

• All monitors and hand-held devices display 2 inch high letters whenever you need to see what the operator is typing.


• High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, have easy-to-understand graphical interfaces.


• Those that don’t will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.


• Corollary: You can gain access to any information you want by simply typing “ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES” on any keyboard.


• Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing “UPLOAD VIRUS.” Viruses cause temperatures in computers, just like they do in humans. After a while, smoke billows out of disk drives and monitors, explosions may result.


• People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data. However, the files are found fully intact upon returning.


• Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function.


• Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. Modems transmit data at two gigabytes per second.


• No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it’ll be readable by any system you put it into. All application software is useable by all computer platforms.


• The more high-tech the equipment, the more unlabelled buttons it has.


• Laptops always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilities (through their built-in satellite up-link) and the performance of a CRAY-T3E.


• Computers NEVER crash during key, high-intensity activities. Humans NEVER make mistakes while operating computers under stress.


• Any photograph can have minute details digitally pulled out of it; you can zoom into any picture as far as you want to.

– Additions by

– Original source unknown

** For MORE computer movie facts, visit the website today! **

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A student visited his old school, 20 years after his graduation, and met an old Economics professor of his. The professor happened to be grading exam papers, and the student was surprise to notice that the questions were exactly the same as they were two decades ago. He asked the professor about the possibility of the leakage of the exam paper such that the students would have known the questions in advance.

The professor smiled wryly and answered, “Don’t worry about that, my dear boy. I’ve changed the answers every year.”

– As told by

A Jewish man moves into a Catholic neighbourhood. Every Friday the Catholics go crazy because, while they’re morosely eating fish, the Jew is outside barbecuing steaks. So the Catholics work on the Jew to convert him.

Finally, by threats and pleading, the Catholics succeed. They take the Jew to a priest who sprinkles holy water on the Jew and intones:

…..”Born a Jew

……Raised a Jew

……Now a Catholic.”

The Catholics are ecstatic. No more delicious, but maddening smells every Friday evening. But the next Friday evening, the scent of barbecue

Wafts through the neighbourhood. The Catholics all rush to the Jew’s house to remind him of his new diet. They see him standing over the cooking steak.

He is sprinkling water on the meat and saying:

…..”Born a cow

……Raised a cow

……Now a fish.”

A Protestant Minister and a Catholic Priest enjoyed teasing their Rabbi friend, continually asking him when he was going to convert to their religion.

When the Holidays rolled around, the Rabbi sent them the following card:

“Season’s Greetings! Roses are reddish, Violets are bluish; When the Messiah comes, you’ll wish you were Jewish!!”

One sunny day a rabbit came out of her hole in the ground to enjoy the fine weather. The day was so nice that she became careless and a fox snuck up behind her and caught her.

“I am going to eat you for lunch”, said the fox.

“Wait”, replied the rabbit, “You should at least wait a few days.”

“Oh yeah? Why should I wait?”

“Well, I am just finishing my thesis on ‘The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'”

“Are you crazy? I should eat you right now! Everybody knows that a fox will always win over a rabbit.”

“Not really, not according to my research. If you like, you can come into my hole and read it for yourself. If you are not convinced, you can go ahead and have me for lunch.”

“You really are crazy!” But since the fox was curious and had nothing to lose, it went with the rabbit. The fox never came out.

A few days later the rabbit was again taking a break from writing and sure enough, a wolf came out of the bushes and was ready to set upon her.

“Wait!” yelled the rabbit, “you can’t eat me right now.”

“And why might that be, my furry appetizer?”

“I am almost finished writing my thesis on ‘The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'”

The wolf laughed so hard that it almost lost its grip on the rabbit.

“Maybe I shouldn’t eat you; you really are sick … in the head. You might have something contagious.”

“Come and read it for yourself; you can eat me afterward if you disagree with my conclusions.” So the wolf went down into the rabbit’s hole … and never came out.

The rabbit finished her thesis and was out celebrating in the local lettuce patch. Another rabbit came along and asked, “What’s up? You seem very happy.”

“Yup, I just finished my thesis.”

“Congratulations. What’s it about?”

“‘The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'”

“Are you sure? That doesn’t sound right.”

“Oh yes. Come and read it for yourself.”

So together they went down into the rabbit’s hole. As they entered, the friend saw the typical graduate abode, albeit a rather messy one after writing a thesis. The computer with the controversial work was in one corner. And to the right there was a pile of fox bones, on the left a pile of wolf bones. And in the middle was a large, well-fed lion.

The moral of the story:

The title of your thesis doesn’t matter. The subject doesn’t matter. The research doesn’t matter. All that matters is who your advisor is.