“One for you, one for me…. One for you, one for me…” went one of them as he divided the nuts one by one.

The bucket was so full that as he pulled out a nut, several specimens would roll out towards the fence, but there were so many to go that the boys didn’t mind.

Cycling down the road by the cemetery was this young fella on his newly-acquired bike. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery, and slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he did hear a voice “One for you, One for me…. One for you,…..” but could not trace where it was coming from. Then suddenly, he realised what it was. “Oh my!” he shuddered, “It’s Satan and St.Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery!”. “Quick, I must find someone else to listen to this, otherwise no one else would believe me.”. So he cycled down the road a bit, and to his relief there was an old man with a walking stick, hobbling his way towards the town.

“Sir, sir, come quickly please. ” he said, “You won’t believe what I heard. Satan and St.Peter are down at the cemetery dividing the souls. I heard them myself – come with me, I’ll show you. Shoo off ya young brat you! Ya know no end of ya silly practical jokes, you do.” the man said. “Having the noive to ask me to walk back all the woi to the cemetery – Can’t ya see I’m finding it difficult to walk as it is!. Now shoo off before I whack ya one with moi walking stick! Young folk my day treated elders with respect, you hear me, RESPECT!”

However, after several belated pleas, the young fellow finally talked the old man into hobbling his way back to the cemetery, and sure enough, they heard the mysterious voice from somewhere inside, “One for you, one for me… One for you, one….”

“Egad, laddie you’s been speakin’ the throot all thees toime.” Whispered the old man.

“Let’s see if we can catch a glimpse of the Devil heemself.” And shivering with fear, edged toward the cemetery fence along with the young lad. Peeking in from just outside the fence, they still couldn’t see anything, but sure enough, still heard –

“One for you, one for me…. One for you, one for me…. And one last one for you. There, that’s all. Now let’s go get those nuts by the fence and we’ll be done.”

(It was later revealed that the old man with the walking stick made it to the town several minutes before the young lad on the bike!)

The scene is a newspaper office. The editor says to one of his reporters: There’s a fire raging out of control west of town and I want you to get out there fast. And above all, get some good shots. If that means you have to hire an aeroplane, just do it. Don’t worry about the expense.

So, the reporter calls the local FBO and orders a plane. He rushes out to the airport, spots a small aircraft with a young pilot in it, pulls open the door, jumps in and says to the pilot:

Let’s go, take off. As directed, the pilot takes off, gets up to altitude, and the reporter then tells him: See that fire raging to the west? I want you to fly over that and get down as close as you can. Incredulous, the pilot says: You want me to fly over that fire? Sure, the reporter says, I am a photojournalist and that’s why I am here–to take dramatic shots of the fire! The pilot looks over with a quizzical look on his face and says: “You’re not the flight instructor?”

When Rev. H.J.Dick of Whitewater, Kansas came to the end of a very long day at the New Year’s Eve midnight service, he announced to the gathered, “Let us now stand and sing ‘Another Dear is Yawning.'”

John and Mary, who have been married for a few years, live on the 23rd floor of a high rise apartment building. They were looking forward to hosting their first New Year’s Eve party in their home that evening. Late that afternoon, these two were returning from shopping, having picked up all the necessary items for the soiree. After unloading their car – each carrying two arm loads of groceries and arty items – they discovered the elevator was out of order. Of course, they had to take the stairs.

To amuse themselves and to make their task a bit easier, they told jokes to each on the way up. As they reached the 23rd floor, John turns to Mary and says:

“Honey, I have the BEST joke of all! “What’s that, Dear?” she asks. “I left the keys in the car!”

Three contractors were touring the White House on the same day. One was from New York, another from Missouri, and the third from Florida. At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. when they each replied that they were contractors, the guard said, “Hey we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don’t you guys take a look at it and give me your bids.”

First, the Florida contractor took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, “I figure the job will run about $900 — $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.”

Next was the Missouri contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick calculations and said, “Looks like I can do this job for $700 — $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.”

Finally, the guard asks the New York contractor for his bid. Without batting an eye, the contractor says, “$2,700.”

The guard, incredulous, looks at him and says, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?”

“Easy,” says the contractor from New York, “$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Missouri.”

– from Office Systems 97 magazine, December 1997, “Online Humor!” –

Then the Chief of the Programmers came to Jesus with a complete and documented list of all grievances. They were accusing Jesus of many inappropriate practices:

1. Incorrect use of the programming languages. This included not using the commands the way they were supposed to be used and interpreting them in ways the Chief Programmers did not like. It took hundreds of years to take the simple commands and expand them into the complex commands they are today. These commands should be strictly adhered to.


2. Not washing His hands before He programmed. The programmer’s handbook, which is an essential addition to the basic rules of programming, requires that a programmer wash his hands in a specific and detailed manner before touching the keyboard. Any variation from this rule would simply be inappropriate as well as unsanitary.


3. Programming on the Sabbath. It does not matter that you might be programming free or for the good of a helpless person in need of care. You should never program on the Sabbath, but if you do program on the Sabbath, you should at least charge double time plus per diem.


4. Programming with tax collectors and prostitutes. The programmer’s guild has worked long and hard to insulate itself from persons that might damage the reputations of the programmers and erode the basic salary structure. There are specific people with whom the programmers can associate, and this social structure must be maintained. And Jesus responded by saying:

“Woe to you, you evil programmers. You walk through the cubicles of the user groups carrying large heavy manuals in an effort to look wise and superior, but yet you steal code off the internet to develop your own WebPages. You screen calls and dump work on junior programmers and spend most of the day playing Solitaire, FreeCell, or worst yet, Mine Sweeper. You break the rules you quote, you dismiss the people you serve, and you have a drawer at home full of pens and pencils you took from the company. And the programmers gasped in horror because they wondered how he knew about the pens and pencils. Then they fled to their cubicles and plotted to create a virus that would stop Jesus before the user groups heard his words of truth, which would put them out of a job. “And they tie up heavy loads, and lay them on men’s shoulders; but they themselves are unwilling to move them with so much as a finger. But they do all their deeds to be noticed by men…” Matthew 23:4-5

“But the greatest among you shall be your servant.” Matthew 23:11

A horse walks into a bar. The Bartender asks “why the long face?”

This guy rides into town on his horse and heads straight for the saloon. He goes to the bartender, hands him a pail, and says, “I’d like a martini that’ll fill this bucket.”

The bartender says, “You could never drink a martini that size!.” The man says, “Oh, it’s not for me, it’s for my horse.” “Well, this I’ve got to see!,” says the bartender, and he mixes the huge drink. The two then go out to the horse, and the horse consumes the entire beverage in one long, loud sip. The bartender says, “That was one of the most incredible things I’ve ever seen! How about I mix ~you~ a drink, on the house?”

“Oh my, no,” says the man. “I never drink and drive!”